Hadley Freeman: My sons ask if a man has ever hurt me. Not really, I lie

[EmbarrassingAdmissions]

A recent YouGov survey found that 86% of women aged 18-24 in the UK have been sexually harassed. This statistic shocked me: did the other 14% not understand the question? To live in fear of harassment or assault is such a universal female experience that many of us don’t even think about it, having learned to accept it from an absurdly early age. It doesn’t break you but it shapes you, like a rock face getting battered by strong waves. This is my own story, in 10 parts.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/mar/27/my-sons-ask-if-a-man-has-ever-hurt-me-not-really-i-lie-hadley-freeman

My SIL went to an all girls school and recently told me a catalogue of horror stories about being harassed at/ near/ on the way home from school in uniform, unlike anything I have ever experienced. I mentioned it this week to a colleague who turns out to have gone to the same school and had the same experiences ten years before SIL.
Anyway, I was then discussing this with another colleague, and she said she had been lucky and never been harassed by any men, until I reminded her of someone she worked with years ago who got her number from her personel file and called and text her for months. Then she remembered many other stories of catcalls, being touched up, sent offensive messages by ex-boyfriend etc. She hadn't considered them to be wrong.
It's really depressing.

Thanks @MistressoftheDarkSide
It’s true I felt like it was my failing when really the person in the wrong was the weirdo in the car.

I have always being wary to strike a balance between making my kids aware there could be danger from strangers and at the same time knowing they would need to trust strangers.

Men clearly need to start cleaning their own act. They are victims of the same violent men but often act as it’s not their problem.

I also did my own list when #metoo was trending (didn't publish it). But I remembered two more reading her article. And these were noticeable instances of sexual assault or crimes to that effect (flashing, stalking) without even considering the gropes, arse pinching, nice tits, suck us off love etc...

all girls school and recently told me a catalogue of horror stories about being harassed at/ near/ on the way home from school in uniform

Yes. And our stupid gym kit (tiny skirt and the days when special sports bras had not even been imagined) that attracted a certain audience every day of the week that we participated in the 'school country run' in the adjacent park. And a lot of that park was quite isolated and there were times when we were quite strung out around the perimeter.

Looking back on it, they must have known but they decided to expose us to the perving-in-plain-sight anyway. Did any of the companion teachers run in a skirt rather than leggings and did they wear a voluminous top that went some way to conceal any bouncing? I think you can answer that for yourselves.

We were only allowed to play certain sports in the skirt. Things like athletics had to be done in gym knickers which were horrendous. Literally wearing underpants in front of everyone. It was a mixed sex school.

I have been raped, sexually assaulted and stalked by 3 different men on 3 different occasions
All the other low level behaviour flashing, catcalling, unwanted touching I just took to be normal par for the course behaviour.
I am weirdly reassured that it's such a common experience as for many years I tried to figure out what I had done wrong to have these things happen to me. Am I too friendly? Give off the wrong signals? Look like an easy target? It took me years to figure out that it was their fault not mine.

As a baseline assumption I don't like or trust men. Might be unfair but my life experience tells me that's a reasonable place to start from. I know that NAMALT as I have a husband and a son and some nice male friends and colleagues but they have earned my trust over time by consistently decent behaviour.

I really struggle what to say to my son and to my daughter especially. I have never told her about my experiences as I don't want to scare her but I do think I was woefully ill equipped and innocent as a young woman and I want her to know better. I had no idea that there were so many men out there who could not care less about your consent if they can get their desires met. I really thought they must all have believed I consented and was 'leading them on' despite this being a patently ridiculous belief as all 3
were decades older than me and in power over me in work situations.

I hope that greater awareness and discussion is going to help young women and men and that things will be better in the future.

@EmbarrassingAdmissions I do think you could have included your stalker, if you wanted to. Awful to have happened at work, too.

One of the things I found in maki g even a half arsed list is that a day or two later, I'm suddenly remembering long forgotten incidents with a sense of shock. One or two quite serious, too.

I also want to say that I think that many of the men who carry out these assaults will be sitting in their homes and agreeing with anyone decrying this type of behaviour. Outraged, even. They cope by compartmentalising, and denying to themselves what they did.

@picklemewalnuts

Those on this thread who thought they hadn't (bar a stalking incident and catcalling/obscene comments- which I would count), have you never had your bum pinched or slapped? Never had someone standing too close on the bus, breathing down your neck?

No, I haven't.