Lesbian / Bi - coming out?

[jaydereilly]

Hi, hope this is the right place for this.

I am currently coming out (very slowly!) as Bi, and wondered what everyone else's experiences are or much like me is it to scary an idea?

Mostly found that no one really cares aside from one friend who wasn't very supportive.

Hello OP

No experience personally I wonder if you would get more responses on the LGBT parents board? You can report the thread and ask Mumsnet to move it.

Unless you want it here which is fine obviously!

What do you mean by nobody cares? Tbh the way I see it, who somebody else is sexually attracted to is of no interest to me, so I could probably come across as a bit 'meh'.

I "came out" as lesbian around a year ago when I met my now gf. I put come out in quotations as I just basically said to my family that I had met someone and it was a girl. Luckily we have that kind of relationship and they were extremely supportive. I know not all experiences are like that. I think some people come across as not caring as they maybe feel it doesn't change anything. You like who you like! As for telling my daughter (10) she was very understanding and supportive and asked lots of questions which were answered honestly. Although it is scary, you will probably find the majority of people will be completely supportive and in the long run you'll be happier to live the life you want to. I honestly feel like a different person and a weight has been lifted and my daughter is sporting a lovely pride flag above her bed :)

Congratulations, OP.

I'm an older lesbian, been out for getting on for 40 years. It's less scary when you have other people like you around for support. Have you found an LGB social group in your area? Unfortunately, a lot of LGB groups have gone underground because of issues with transpeople and so it can be quite difficult to locate the right group for you. If you know any lesbians, ask them for suggestions. Building up a solid LGB support network is the key, in my opinion.

I think it's rather fabulous that no one really cares that you've come out. I know it's a big thing for you, but it's not something other people will be that bothered about. When I came out a couple of my female friends dropped me because they thought I fancied them. I didn't. People can show you a side of themselves you wish you hadn't seen. But then they do that about an awful lot of things, not just sexuality.

I hope you find contentment and fulfilment.

A friend (who had been heterosexual to that point) recently started dating a mutual female friend. No-one from our wider friendship group made any comment to them except to congratulate them on the relationship. It would seem odd and intrusive to comment on the fact she was now dating a woman instead of a man. It's entirely irrelevant to our relationship.

Hello jaydereilly, I've been sort of out as bisexual for only a few years. It's been quite late in my life (mid thirties). I've found it quite isolating as there isn't much support around for adults who are figuring out their sexuality. Everything is geared for very young people.

However, it's a good thing for 'coming out' to be unremarkable, although I can understand wanting close friends to be supportive and sympathetic and feeling a bit sad when they aren't.

I tried various LGBT spaces and social circles but it's so steeped in the whole gender and queer stuff that it started to put me off. There are no bisexual spaces that respect attraction for the same and opposite sexes. It's all about gender. So yeah, feels very isolating.

I'm hoping that LGB Alliance might put on events as pandemic restrictions are lifted. It will be good to meet other like minded people and maybe some other bisexuals that I can find a supportive network with.

Happy to discuss further if you'd like.

Thanks @NonnyMouse1337 some good advice and great to hear that there are happy and diverse spaces out there!

I agree with comments about support networks being important. I only found the courage after being open with a small circle for a long time and then gradually feeling stronger to open up. Life is complicated and sexuality isn't a performance, so don't feel obligated to make a huge thing of it, just be who you are. Hopefully as lockdown eases and groups like LGB Alliance gain more traction, it will be possible for the underground lesbian groups I'm part of, for example, to be more visible once more without harassment and attempted infiltration by males. I'm feeling quite optimistic today. It won't last.

I know people whose marriages ended, and their next partner was the same sex. No one seemed particularly interested or talked about it much. I assume they spoke to closer friends, or agonised about it at some point. In the wider community it wasn't that big a deal.

I have a young relative who's questioning their identity. They were a bit taken aback when I pointed out how many of the parents at their junior school had gone on to have same sex relationships. I think they expected more shock. I pointed out that when you are older, you've seen it all before and stopped being surprised.

I suppose I'm saying it's understandably a big deal to you, and other people won't necessarily recognise that.

OP, I am not a lesbian, but just wanted to comment on your statement that “no one really cares”.

If my daughter would come out as bi or lesbian, I wouldn’t really care. I might be slightly worried about her finding good lesbian spaces to hang out, but that would be it and I probably wouldn’t show that worry to her.

She will always be my darling girl and I honestly couldn’t care less about her sexuality as long as she was happy.

Please don’t mistake a neutral response as “no one really cares”.

I mean, yes, no one really cares, but in a good way iyswim?

I must admit that I haven't reacted at all really when colleagues at work have told me they're bi.

It was always in passing rather than anything else and I just thought ok.

It's not a big deal to me so that was that really.

What would be an appropriate response to somebody telling you they are bisexual?

Op what kind of response did you want? One of my children came out to me years ago now and I just said ok, want a cup of tea? Apparently I did it all wrong too and said child wanted a fanfare.

For those asking, It was a nice response. I come from a Catholic background, which is why it has taken me so long.

I was in your shoes in my 30s. Everyone just took it in their stride, even my ultra-religious parents. Except one friend, who was the one who reacted by saying "anyone who treats you badly over this isn't a friend" and then proceeded to slag me off to everyone and cut me out of her life. Weird!

I know quite a few people who I now know are bi. I guess it's only visible when they change partners and the new one is quite different to the previous.
Generally I think it's much more significant to you than to your wider circle of friends/co-workers. It might be a bit of a surprise to people who have never given any thought to your sexuality. But there again, I don't really give much thought to my friends and colleagues sex lives - because that would be a bit weird.

That's understandable jaydereilly. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and I'm from an Indian background. So lots of issues to unpack there. Which is why it has taken me so long to come to terms with my sexuality too. It's not an easy journey.

Pleased it was a nice response. Most people are perfectly comfortable with different sexual orientations. Hopefully the time will come (perhaps it has already) when people won't need to come out, as such. I imagine it is harder if you come from certain backgrounds.
All the best OP

@Truthlikeness

A friend (who had been heterosexual to that point) recently started dating a mutual female friend. No-one from our wider friendship group made any comment to them except to congratulate them on the relationship. It would seem odd and intrusive to comment on the fact she was now dating a woman instead of a man. It's entirely irrelevant to our relationship.

ditto me too

im 55 male been married two children ended.. i never once cheated tho i couldn't stop myself struggling about my real inside feelings eg sexuality.. am i gay bi straight bla bla i denied i found men .. eg not all men lol attractive .. now i know im gay not bi gay... am i a freak.. because im attractive to another man.. i don't know.. has society made me feel ashamed.. had been heterosexual to that point ditto.. until that point.. society says only woman can be attracted to men because its a normal inner sexual feeling for a woman.. i fancy man in the same way as a woman why.. because i just do... does it really bother and matter to anyone .. i wanted just a woman all my life.. now i want a guy sounds really odd

Are you perhaps misinterpreting “it doesn’t make a difference” as “they don’t care”?
I’m not sure what you were expecting them to do.
If they ask questions, they might think you think it’s prying about something that’s not any of their business.
They might not want to make a big deal out of it, because, in a way, it isn’t (although for you it is, I don’t mean in a bad way).
They probably just feel that it doesn’t alter their relationship with you, which is good, right?

Could it be that they're just accepting and not that they dont care Any?
Any of my friends who came out, I already knew so it wasn't a surprise but was delighted they were at a point they could freely speak about it and imagined a weight must've been lifted from them.
Some people's reactions were a bit more subdued due to them already accepting and probably wanting them to feel comfortable as possible and not making it into a big shocking thing.

Just to say OP asked for others experiences, so great that a lot people say wouldn't bother me, but that doesn't quite mean you have had the experience!

And yes at any age if most people around you are and sort of assume everyone is heterosexual it can be scary. And also, with the whole trans issue it does mean that there are fewer places where you can start to go and feel comfortable about meeting up with others like you.

But if as you say most of your friends are just its not an issue, it may mean that in fact you find more in your immediate circle who are also thinking or know they are bisexual.

Have you been able to be open with your family? If not I hope so in time.

I hope that from this point on you do feel more at ease with yourself.

PS I think posting on FWR is the obvious place to post!!

I came out a year and a bit ago, after a heterosexual marriage. I married young, in a religious environment, a never allowed myself to acknowledge I was lesbian. My friends were supportive, but it wasn't a huge deal. I'm with a lovely woman now, and they are happy that I'm happy. 😊

One of my best friends recently left her heterosexual marriage and started a relationship with a woman (the events were not really related).

When she told me she was clearly very nervous about it but of course I offered her my wholehearted support. However it came as no surprise to me, in fact I think I was less surprised than she was!

The fact she has found happiness with a woman rather than a man is neither here nor there to me but I do love, love, love how happy she is with her new partner after years of making do in an unfulfilling relationship.

It's not that I don't care about her being in a lesbian relationship . Maybe she was expecting a bigger reaction from me - but it really was as simple as I'm happy that she's happy if that makes sense?