Ex-husband's views re our boys

[Oldat40]

Very long story short...

I left my abusive and controlling ex-husband seven years ago when the boys were just 3 and 6. He took me to court and it was ruled exactly 50/50 shared care.

Today I attended an online mediation session with him as once more he is applying for further custody (three more days per week).

One of his main arguments is that it is "natural" that both boys should want to spend more time with him as he is male and so are they. So he can do "man stuff" with them like watch and play football which, "being a woman", I don't enjoy. He then went on to say if we'd have had girls they'd naturally have wanted to spend more time with me...and I quote..."clothes shopping and hanging around in coffee shops."

He's always been incredibly sexist (e.g. it is wrong for women with children to work) but surely this blatant gender stereotyping won't hold weight when we go to court?

My sons both have incredibly positive male role models when with us - my fiancé (whom I live with), his grandad, my brother-in-law etc. They do not share ex's sexist (or for that matter also racist) views.

I can't imagine they are grounds for changing custody arrangements?

@nitsandwormsdodger I hope not. He's told my youngest it's "gay" to like bath bombs and going for cake in Costa (when rules allowed).

I would be counter-arguing with the court that it's detrimental for the boys to spend time with a man of such predjudiced views and that you shall be requesting more time with them instead.

yTry

@renallychallenged But the issue is proving it?

Wa the mediation session recorded ( I assume it was online)

Does he still pay his bills by cheque? Write with a quill pen? Think Jim Davidson is funny?

That actually is being kind to say his views are that recent.

@nitsandwormsdodger We had to sign a disclaimer saying none of the sessions could be recorded and what is said cannot be used in court evidence sadly.

@peak2021 Yes to Jim Davidson ha ha! He believes women are there to serve men. My kids tell my fiancé is a "simp" because he does the cooking and changes our baby daughter's nappies of an evening.

My boys also once asked if they could get ill from touching things. When I asked what they meant they said they'd found a bangle in our old home from the previous owners and their dad had told them "Don't touch thst or you'll get p* (racist word) AIDS." My fiancé (who is a social worker for vulnerable adults) spent ages unpicking that one and we both had to explain and reassure. They still hsve to remind themselves not to use the n word when with us. It's appalling.

Well surely the examples above are good examples of why spending more time with this racist, sexist man is a bad idea for your children?

I'm not sure how mediation works but I assume that at the end of it, there was no suggestion that either of you was willing to change your mind, in which case he's going to have to go to court. And at that point I'd have thought you can emphasise that of course the children still need their mother etc and IF he starts spouting the ridiculous racist/sexist stuff you then counter at that point?

God, your poor children. To have this kind of person in their lives. I'm sorry OP.

Omg
At least they have you and your fiance.
I'd really think it extremely unlikely that your ex is going to get awarded more time with the children due to them being the same gender as him.. that sounds frankly insane.
Thered have to be an extremely good reason why he should get more contact than you.

I'm so sorry, OP. My understanding is that the courts are very much in favour of protecting children's rights to have a relationship with both parents, so hopefully you can firmly argue that any reduction their time with you would be detrimental to their relationship with their mother.

Are you working with legal representation?

Respond in detail about all the things that you and your sons enjoy doing together then pile it on about how you are an open listening mum who is prepared to share any activity that your sons enjoy and that you are pro active in making suggestions that are not bounded by gender stereotypes.

He has chosen to play the sexist card, counter it by playing the non sexist card.

That's a really tough situation OP.

Sounds like you are doing all you can to counter his awful rhetoric though.

Being a good parent nowadays is to allow our children, as much as humanly possible, to develop their interests without forcing them into any stereotypical strait-jackets. So if a child likes to play football, good, and if they like ballet, good, irrespective of whether they are male or female.