Schools and trans pupils changing their name - who decides?

[requiredwriting]

Hello, this is a personal question but I know that you lot will know.

We have entered into Gender Hell and our daughter is now non-binary. She emailed all her teachers to ask to change her name and pronouns, and they did. Before they told us, or she told us.

For about the last week I have accepted this, and now that the dust has settled, I am furious. What are the guidelines on this, does anyone know? I've looked and I can't find any at all. I need to know before I set their collective arses on fire.

For obvious reasons I have name changed, but have been around here before, on and off.

I don't know about guidelines but our secondary school rang me when did did the same, and said it either had to be officially changed in the register with parent's permission or not at all. At the time we managed to persuade her not to insist on it being changed.

Hand hold for you, we are struggling with this too.

I think the school is very much in the wrong here but I don’t know the guidelines and if it changes from school to school, try Transgender Trend for information from other parents going through the same.

I am not sure if it works the same in every school but I know in mine like pp said if can't be changed offically on the register without parents permission, but in contrast we are expected to respect the wishes of the child in terms of calling them their preferred name even if it is not on the register

Legal name or preferred name?

We would not make a change to a legal name on our systems without proof - deed poll, birth cert, passport etc and I can't believe any school would.

Preferred name is something that can be changed on the child's say so, it's their name after all and they should be able to say they would like to be known as X. Preferred name does appear on lesson reg/reports home etc

School are sufficiently embarrassed to have sent us a timeline of how it happened, and also to say that it is very much something that could only have happened because of lockdown and being online. However, I want it rolled back for a bit because I want to get proper advice on what is the right thing to do. And because they have taken all our influence and decision making away.

@bonbonours It's shit, isn't it. How old is your daughter?

The advice given in the controversial “Schools Packs” from trans organisations is that schools should not tell parents if the child does not want them to, because being trans in itself “is not a safeguarding issues” (oh yes it f.w. is!!!)

Of course, this is just random advice from random people but that doesn’t seem to bother some schools.

@TeaAndHobnob What about pronouns, would you change that as well?

I am not saying it is wrong at all, just trying to get my head round what has happened.

I don’t know if this means officially or not but it doesn’t specify that so you could argue that this situation counts too

Parental rights and responsibilities

naming the child and agreeing to any change of name

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities

Safe Schools Alliance might have something on this? If not, there might be someone there who can point you in the right direction

safeschoolsallianceuk.net/

I think I would also ask the school what guidelines they are following. Some trans toolkits for schools have been withdrawn. If your school is using information produced by the same organisations it may not be following best practice without knowing it.
Oxfordshire hit the news but other local authorities have followed suit.

The school cant change her entry on their MIS system (database) untill she has a medical diagnosis.
I think they can agree to call her whatever she requests but you would think without any indication that there are problems at home they would contact you?
I would request a meeting with the head, go armed with info on the Bell ruling.

Quote the guidance to them that came out from the DfE last October:

You should work together with parents on any decisions regarding your school’s treatment of their child, in line with the school’s safeguarding policy and the statutory guidance on working together to safeguard children.

Doesn’t seem like they’ve worked together with you, does it?

Link to the appropriate page on Transgender Trend:

www.transgendertrend.com/department-for-education-rse-guidance-schools/

[quote requiredwriting]@TeaAndHobnob What about pronouns, would you change that as well?

I am not saying it is wrong at all, just trying to get my head round what has happened.[/quote]
As there's only one option for sex (or gender as all our systems insist on calling it ) that would stay the same unless there was a legal change.

But the school I work in is not the kind of school where anything like this would be able to be kept from parents - if roberta was now robert at school, everyone in the community would know in about five seconds.

I get the impression it's not so much the school have done this, but the lack of discussion & not keeping you informed?

Hope by now you've found Transgender Trend and Safe Schools Alliance UK and have got some support from the wise women there OP?
This is (yet another) growing scandal where schools are unwittingly enabling children to become alienated from their parents. Whenever a child discloses something 'critical' the first thing you do is assess for safeguarding, legality, confidentiality and what support the child has. Teachers used to be adept at working through how to work with parents - even with challenging safeguarding issues.
Unfortunately since adult led lobby groups with no knowledge of safeguarding or children have been enabled to gaslight schools with legally incorrect, child unfriendly practices that often undermine safeguarding, adults in schools have become de skilled in following the basic principles that keep children safe.
There are a number of parents who have considered legal action against schools for this behaviour. Sadly (but quite rightly) they are all inhibited because it puts their vulnerable child in the spotlight and the welfare of their child is their paramount concern.

I'm a teacher with some experience of this, but not from the legal/admin side, so take with a pinch of salt.

My understanding is that your DD can change her known by name from about 15.5 years old, though it's unusual to do so without speaking to parents.

I would point out to the school that your daughter has no diagnosis of gender dysphoria and that they have no right to subject her to medical treatment without permission. I'd keep it positive but stress the harm that amateur intervention can cause.

I'm sure (despite the piles of drivel out there aimed at schools) you will find some official guidance pointing out the risks of exacerbating gender dysphoria if social transition is attempted without it being part of planned treatment.

I would be expecting name and pronouns restored. And another vote for contacting transgender trend.

You need to speak to your DD about how much you accept her. I would stress that she can be as non-binary as she likes and talk about the problems with gender stereotypes- avoid it becoming a battle.

I think it's worth looking at the statements made by liz truss as a pp says. At my daughter's school a child had got at least one teacher to use new name and pronoun, but then this was reversed. My daughter said that it was because parents had not given formal permission. The timing coincided with liz truss's statements, so I wondered if that caused the school to reverse ferret. This is a stonewall champion school. Sorry its v circumstantial.

Thanks everyone, that's all very helpful. I will work my way through this.

@Beamur I know that they have taken on the Cornwall guidelines, which I've had a look through and are not awful, if a bit vague (although they approve binding, which I don't like). They, however, say nothing at all about this situation, so lord knows.

The interesting difficulty is that - at the moment - she is gender-critical non-binary. She knows that sex cannot change but wants to break out of gender expectations.

The school have not had much experience of this, but I think social contagion is a part of it as there is a Yr 9 outbreak right now. I don't think the internet is, at present, playing much part in this.

I will go through all the links, and try to find as much evidence as I can for school.

The interesting difficulty is that - at the moment - she is gender-critical non-binary. She knows that sex cannot change but wants to break out of gender expectations.

No such thing as gender-critical non-binary IMO, much as she may want to believe that’s what she is.

Could you gently point out to her that she is actually reinforcing and colluding with those gender expectations by saying that she accepts those limitations for girls, and has to be non-binary to escape them?

What is is concretely that she feels she can do/be as NB that she can’t as a girl?

@TalkingtoLangClegintheDark

Interesting point. Please do challenge me on anything you like, I am struggling to think straight.

I think it's the other way round. She has a large bust, so feels that she is automatically catapulted into a set of expectations that she doesn't want to meet. She wants a way out of that.

I do feel it is anti-feminist, but can't marshall the arguments right now.

We are slightly avoiding the issue with her for now, and trying to focus on other stuff. I want to fix school first.

Obviously the school are not talking about changing the name officially but putting it down as 'known as' - just like when they go to infants you can put on the form for example "Samuel, known as Sam". Our school said they wouldn't even do that unless parents had been consulted.

There is definitely social contagion and a trend with this issue but my daughter refuses to believe it. She's 14.

I totally agree @requiredwriting I think it is a lot to do with not liking the expectations placed on her as a teenage girl, not liking unwanted male attention, and not wanting to have to try to compete with the girls who everyone fancies. So by saying she is non-binary, and covering up her female body she is trying to escape.

Sadly requiredwriting the Cornwall guidelines are as anti parents as the others. They state this about parents:
A parent or guardian may not always be the most supportive
or appropriate person to assist the young person through
transitioning. It may not be necessary for a parent or guardian
to provide permission for a Trans pupil or student to take
steps to transition as there may be issues raised of Fraser
competence if parents will not consent .
A shocking undermining of safeguarding and family life.

Your instinct about focusing on other issues at present is spot on. For so many children who get caught up in this issue, it becomes overwhelming - to the detriment of all the other aspects of their lives. The more you can do (and especially hard I know at the present) to enable activities, discussions, friendships that focus on all the normal healthy activities that build a child's resilience, the better. Setting up cooking together, playing games, family meals and occasions etc despite the limitations of lock down.
You're also so right about her wanting a way out of impending womanhood with all the challenges that poses for teenage girls in this porn soaked world.

Listening to the personal stories of detrans women there is quite often a great discomfort with the sexualisation of being a girl becoming a woman. They mention looking back now and wondering why no one told them the sexualisation and abuse from men was unacceptable and that they didn't have to pretend it was OK or ignore it. Becoming trans was their way of going back to a non-sexual state.
So I would suggest opening up a dialogue about boundaries and seeing if she has had any negative experiences with male attention.