How to be assertive without being seen as trouble?

[NonCisWoman]

The older I get, the more confident I've become.

In my 20s, i was scared to say no, especially to men. I often ended up doing tasks/ projects at work that I didn't want to do, and dating men that I didn't want to date.

I'm now in my 30s, and much more confident with saying "no". However, I feel that this has earned me a bit of a negative reputation at work. I realise that misogyny probably plays a large part in this, but, at the same time, as someone who is always trying to improve themselves, I was wondering if there is something I can do on my end in order to come across better when being assertive? Or am I fighting a losing battle?

As a woman, is it possible to be assertive without being seen as trouble?

If yes, how?

I am exactly the same.

Absolutely confident in being honest if I'm not happy with something, in the right situations OFC

Makes me be seen as negative etc

And not even by men!

I think these are worries you just have to let go of. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

And it is indeed my experience that those who "matter" in the workplace, i.e. more senior, expect and want you to speak up and be clear (i.e being assertive). It's the people with a "crab bucket" mentality who want to keep you down with them who start interpersonal dramas. Ignore them.

@sandandso totally agree

And may I also add it is normally, in my experience, those who don't like making decisions or who aren't confident in their own choice that get annoyed you are capable of doing so

Smile with head tilt when saying no?

Look shocked if they start to splutter and waffle

Ignore it , it's the next stage of your development , it comes easier with time

And then at some point people will start to support you

I am the opposite. I have become even more apologetic with age. It drives me nuts.

So stay as you are and keep assertive without apology.

Clear, firm, fair. Don't lose your temper or shout, goes for males or females. Don't stay in a workplace where you have to bite your tongue/put up and shut up for too long it's bad for physical (stress) and mental health.

Would also suggest the latter can leave you behaving in a passive aggressive way and that's a really shit position to be in in a workplace for you and other people.

Not you personally, people generally

I'm in the decade of "IDGAF" (40s) in regards to how people see me, think about me, talk about me, or otherwise.

I get called a frigid bitch, a whore, aggressive, crazy/nuts/batshit, etc. by those that don't have the balls to say it to my face (and sometimes they do say it to my face). I've gotten to the point that I experience great amusement in being called those things and overhearing it or having it reported to me by some sweet individual that worries about my feelings. Work is work, I'm not your fucking momma or your friend or your support human... do your job or GTFO.

Yesterday an ex-employee and now ex-contractor asserted in writing to my business partner that I am a 'rabid bitch in heat that needs to get fucked' and that he hopes that I 'get hit by a bus' and that I am 'incompetent and attempting to steal the business' and that I 'am not capable of forming a coherent thought'. FTR, my business partner is my younger brother. The ex-employee/contractor was one of my brother's closest friends until this week when he began wishing physical and mental harm upon me merely for holding him accountable to what he agreed and his executed contract states. The misogyny is so deep in him he actually thought he could push me out of my own company by making up lies and calling me names and wishing harm upon me to my own brother. All this because I refused to approve his payment for this week because he owes us in excess of 15hrs of work and $300 for an advance I approved last week.

Stay professional, don't give ground unless it makes sense, and do admit when you are wrong. On the regular I am pleasant and goofy, warm and compassionate, but when treated as less I have no issue in dropping all pleasantries and sticking to the 'fact-driven professional tone' which creates an invisible boundary of sorts (aiding my ever-present invisible armor) once mastered.

It is fine to be seen as being trouble.

I am seen as being trouble. I get good results. I am sometimes told I am difficult and sometimes even too aggressive.

I generally ignore such "too feisty" feedback. I remember a time when a male colleague did a somewhat sneaky thing. Some people thought I did it, some people knew he did it. I was described as manipulative. He was described as political.

Being trouble in my twenties and thirties got me a great career. The men and women who pressured me to be nicer, sweeter, less trouble, you know a proper laydee-boss, have been left far behind.

Chauvinism in older senior men can work in your favour here. You have to be trouble to be taken seriously by them. Otherwise you are just another little feisty miss who they do like working with but who isn't seen as seriously senior leadership material.

Be trouble. Embrace it.

Be trouble. Embrace it.

Agreed.

Not all women who are assertive are seen as trouble.
I'm not sure if this is your case, but the times I've seen that havent give down well, have almost been when the "no" has been said without explanation, almost for the sake of being assertive? Either that or its come with an "I dont owe an explanation" usually accompanied by being out of the blue.

Assertiveness is when you work towards the good of the project, and ask questions if you are rebuffed. Be genuine in why you can't do something - even if it's you just don't like it, you feel another member of staff should do it, solve the problem together. You do owe an explanation because that can help with future decisions.

If you usually dislike something, or don't want to do it, don't stay quiet for ages, how will they know what you like and don't like? This doesn't help anyone, especially if you suddenly decide to stop doing something - it will mess with planning.

Be trouble, but only if you've been communicating well before and you want your project to succeed. Occasionally you do get a workplace where this is a problem, but I've seen much less of that than poor communication (on both parties)

I once worked for a director that seemed curt, sweary, short tempered, argumentative etc but his team seemed to love working with him. I don’t know if it was because he was straightforward, or good at what he did or that he was more personable when he was socialising or that thing where you are greatful for any niceness that comes from someone like that. Being himself worked for him.

I’m too nice and I think that comes off as fake or flakey or dithery. If your ‘brand’ is assertive but clear and gets results (and you are not completely cherry picking tasks and dumping others in it) you have to tolerate the feeling that others want you to do something else (because it would benefit them).

You could say things like ‘if you want me to get results on x then I can’t also do y’ or ‘my strengths are in x rather than y’ rather that a straight no.

Sometimes, when someone first learns to be assertive, it can come over as being a bit 'hyper' and forced. This in not a criticism, but an observation. When someone is making an extra attempt to overcome a tendency ( towards being passive or unassertive) there can be an over-compensatory force.

In time, when you settle in to feeling comfortable with your own feelings around non conformity, you will most likely develop an air of someone who speaks with a confidence in their own authority - and, as such, you will meet with much less antagonistic push back.

That's my experience, anyway.

Lots of good advice and insights here.

By using fewer words.

We typically hedge how we express our opinions or issue instructions with flowery language like If you wouldn't mind...I really don't think...I'm afraid that...

Learning to say "No" is hugely empowering. All too often we believe that we owe an apology or explanation to justify our "No", but do we, really?

If you believe your own "No", and your right to "No", you take the first step towards assertiveness.

Don’t fill the silence.

Don’t hedge your words. Be specific.

I’m on my forties and I take no shit now. I’ve really stopped caring about how I appear to others. Wish I had done that sooner.

Oh, and don’t be afraid of being offended. I find that women often doubt themselves and their right to say no/be upset with someone/get angry/take offense.

I’m not saying take offense at the slightest thing but if if someone is being a dickhead, it is ok to be annoyed about it and let your annoyance be known.

The best advice I ever got was from an old (female) boss. She said she treated most people like her 7 year old daughter. It helped her realise when she should let things slide and when she should correct or call out bad behaviour.

I’ve put that into practice and it really helps me see when I need to be helpful to someone or when I need to give the, enough rope to hang themselves.

I think it's about being approachable and easy going most of the time but assertive when you need to be. Choose your moments. It's a really hard balance to strike but overall I'd rather be seen as trouble than as a pushover so I wouldn't stress about it too much.

Said no man ever.

I am not very good at being assertive but when I manage it I find a smile helps (that pesky female socialisation), and being very clear about what you action you expect to happen. I am also learning not to offer explanation for things - it just gives people a hook for disagreeing.