Advice on court

[Poppyleaf1997]

Hey guys😬 I really need your advice on something. I’ve recently had a baby with an arsehole. My baby is coming up to 5 months old and gosh the amount of hassle I’ve had of him. Just to make you understand the situation, he has another child with his previous partner (who is a cow) I’ve had to report her in the past for harassment as she came into my work screaming and swearing (they had been split up for over a year by my knowledge) she then got all her friends to message me so I had to make a report to the police. My ex partner cheated on me with this women and I was stupid enough to accept his apology as what we had before that seemed worth fighting for (I was wrong)
During our relationship he cheated on me, was emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive, during my pregnancy also. It was never great after that but it was too late and I was pregnant with my beautiful boy at the time. After the birth of my son there were a few warning signs
-huffing and puffing everytime baby woke up or cried
-didn’t want to help take care of him
-had no common sense to what his actions would do, he grabbed my boys arms to pull him up at 1 month old (should be supporting his head) there was a time where he put his leg over him as well at one month old, causing him to cry (after I settled him)
-he used to swear, shout and be aggressive infront of my son (still does it now but not as bad)
-his first injections I was comforting my son and said I thought you were going to help as he said he would. He started getting angry and annoyed at me, stating that I’ve been at him since he got in (I was stressed and upset at the fact my son was hurt and upset) he then left me to take care of him on my own.

Things went really bad and I couldn’t trust him with my son allow as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so...
His ex partner stopped him for over a year from seeing his daughter due to him getting with me, but recently got back in contact and this is where the issues have started.
He went to her house (person he cheated on me with) slating me because I didn’t want him going there (because he cheated on me with her and because she was abusive towards me and said she was looking to cause trouble) I found this out trying to arrange and sort things out so the children could meet but found that out and with my hormones all over the place I gave her a insight on what was actually going on because I was annoyed at him as he was meant to be supportive and my partner. He then started saying a lot of horrible things to me and left me to take care of our son on my own and didn’t help me at all or check on him for over a week. He saw us in town and didn’t bother saying hello to my son and then disappeared again for a while, I can’t remember for exact but I know he was still seeing him when I found out he had been inappropriate with his ex so maybe I was wrong in doing this but I stopped contact as he was making enough effort for my son, he was choosing his daughter over his young baby, on days he was meant to see him, he was seeing her instead, he increased his daughters payment and left my son out, I was angry and pissed off! I managed to get him to put the payment up to be the same but since being in contact with his ex she seems to think it’s ok to make him take me to court so he can have my nearly 5 month old on his own (to take him near her but I’ll get to that in a minute) he has allow her to use his phone to pretend to be him saying really horrible hurtful things. He was on FaceTime with his son before bed to say goodnight and that he loved him as I wanted that to be a thing so he felt loved but his stupid cow of an ex got involved started shouting and swearing whilst my son was on the camera and being inappropriate infront of my son (his dad was laughing and didn’t say stop my son is watching, he just didn’t care) i was told that he slept around our entire relationship and that he loves her and all sort of stuff infront of my son, obviously I got upset as any normal person would and I asked him to help take care of our son, his ex response was no it’s your spare time (because she wanted him to herself) he left me upset for my son to see which was unfair and I know I shouldn’t be crying infront of him but it was really hurtful (she also had the cheek to say that they were recording me) even though they were at fault. The following day I asked him to help and during trying his response was “I tried to get in her pants (meaning his ex)how about that” I stupidly let him in to help with his son but soon regretted it because he wanted to take my son out with his ex whom I’ve reported to the police and was abusive literally the night before and infront of my son!!!! he doesn’t want to help with him unless it’s just an hour, he barely helps out and says he’s busy and leave me to do everything on my own, yet making out he cares about his son when he chooses to spend the spare time with his ex instead of his baby. He has now lowered his maintenance because he has to save up for court, yet still paying his daughter the same amount so more than his son. Can he even do that? This is just a bit on the situation, it’s a lot worse than this. Please can someone give me some advice I’m barely managing to stay calm and just barley coping, it’s so unfair what he’s doing and what he is putting me through when I’ve literally just gave birth to our son.

[OneEpisode]

Congratulations on your baby. 5 months is a lovely stage but hard work.
By the way you are posting in Feminist Chat. Did you want a response from that board? If you wanted a different response you can report your post to mumsnet and ask for it to be moved. E.g you would get a more legal focused response from the legal board,

[OneEpisode]

The thread is still here. Try my best. I understand that in this situation some how the humans involved should try and separate the issues:
1, the money. Child support agency. Dispassionate. Your child doesn’t get what their half sister gets. Your child gets what they are entitled to.

1. The access of the father to the child. This is based on the interest of the child only, not yours or the dad’s.
   

Access of the father to the child is what is in the interests of the child at each stage. That might mean only short visits for a breast fed baby. Longer for a older child.
If the dad has no history of violence etc. I think the dad’s time with the child is entirely on the dad’s terms.
You can’t necessary insist on a daily call at bedtime.

1. The relationship between you and dad. This seems over? I would consider blocking on all but one channel. This might be text, to use for child arrangements only.
   

1. Your relationship to the mother of the older child. Block, grey rock. Keep records of harassment with any dates and times.
   

1. Your mental health and composure. Access the health you need.
   

I know separating issues is not as easy as that, what with you being an actual human and all. Good luck.

[persistentwoman]

There's a lot here OP. What is your greatest concern at the moment.
Is it finances? Contact? Your child's safety? Or something else?

And yes as OneEpisode suggest, you might get more focused help if you get this moved maybe to the legal or parenting boards?

[Poppyleaf1997]

Hey guys I forgot to mention that he has previous convictions and found out that he had been served with 10 years for assault on a human and a animal which I found to be disgusting. His ex told me that he strangled her as well so I’m not sure if he would do that to me but still a bit concerned as I don’t want my son to see that. My concern is my child’s safety as all his ex wants to do is say bad things about me and my son doesn’t deserve to hear that, she doesn’t care about his well being as she wouldn’t have been abusive towards me infront of my nearly 5 month old baby. I thought it was out of order that he wanted to take him out with her the following day. She’s annoyed at the fact he moved on even though they weren’t together when we got together, now she’s taking everything out on me and my son even though I didn’t have a clue who she was etc. She’s told him to give me less money for the baby as we agreed before that both children deserve the same (I did) but now his daughter is getting more than my son, it’s wrong and I don’t know what I can do to make him see that. He shouldn’t be using my sons money for his needs. My worry is that he’ll give me less towards him and not even take it to court meaning my son will miss out on the money he could of had and he’ll use that money for his needs which I think is unfair, he did the same with his daughter. I’m worried because even know when he cries he gets stressed out and my son can see that and it’s totally unfair.

[Poppyleaf1997]

Sorry I don’t know how to move it? How do I do that?

[ErrolTheDragon]

@Poppyleaf1997

Sorry I don’t know how to move it? How do I do that?

Just report your own post and ask MNHQ to move it.

[OneEpisode]

I can see three little dots under each post. If you click on the three little dots on your first post (the OP) you can report your own post, and you are in the hands of the mumsnet angel on duty on Saturday.

[OneEpisode]

I hope you get good advice. Personally I think pursuing promises that aren’t in writing might be very hard on you, and it might help you to focus on what your child is entitled to (what the CSA website says), and of course your family also has benefits/care rights. Good luck.

[BettyDuKeiraBellisMyShero]

Just wanted to wish you well before your thread leaves for a more tailored board.

You are right to prioritise the safety of your child and yourself.

OneEpisode above gives some good, practical advice at how you can do that within the law (always best for long term, even if it feels counterintuitive/emotionally wrong in the short term).

From an older (and hopefully now wiser than in my younger days!) no man is worth this level of drama. You and your son will be much happier without all this unnecessary angst in your day to day, and disinterested fathers tend to drop off the access radar, if you ‘grey rock’ and don’t let them see how much their fuckery upsets you.

For what it’s worth, I have never known a woman who regrets minimising contact with a baby father (and regretful feelings at ever getting caught up in a dickhead’s orbit are offset by love for your child).

Minimise all encounters and seek support to organise only supervised contact between ex and child if you have even the slightly safety concern.

Don’t badmouth ex to child (or mother of half siblings), just make your boundaries clear ‘it didn’t work out and never wiil’ and reassure the child ‘I am so glad you exist in the world’. When your child is going old enough to recognise your exes failings the self, then you can be more open about it, but always keep your revelations age-appropriate, which might well mean keeping some things back until your child is well into adulthood.

This doesn’t mean pretending your ex is a better person than they are though. It’s a fine line to walk, but you can do it, with support.

Contact the Freedom programme for support and ‘reset’ so that future relationships can be healthier. We have often pick partners who are bad for us and learning a bit about why and how are they’d to your own freedom.

You can get through this. Millions of women have, we are all rooting for you, don’t get pulled down the drain with your ex and his ex (and she needs to do the Freedom Programme as well, frankly).

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Relationships or legal will give you more practical answers than Feminism, but you ate always welcome here. Feminist discourse is a great stepping stone to personal freedom, although perhaps less helpful in this moment.

[happydappy2]

OP you might want to consider applying for a Non Mol order. (Non Molestation.) These can be granted quickly though a magistrates court for free (unless you appoint a solicitor, which you'd have to pay for.) If granted and he doesn't respect it, he will be committing a criminal offence, penalty of a fine/suspended sentence or ultimately prison. This option might just buy you some time to let things calm down. Perhaps read about this online and see if it's suitable for you? Good luck.

[stumbledin]

Have you tried contacting your local Women's Aid Refuge? They quite often have an advise service and probably have (unfortunately) a lot of experience of dealing with abusive partners and how that impacts on not just the mother but any children.

If you go to this web page you can search the directory to find if there is one near you and how to contact them. www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You can also contact Rights of Women who have advice lines - details of the number and hourse for the one that deals with family lawand are here: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

But as others have said you might get more advice if you ask MNHQ to move the thread to Legal Matters which is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters if you want to take a look at it.

You can do this by going to your opening post and on the top right of the box you will see an option called "Reprot". Click on this and it will let you send a message about wanting it moved.

I hope in the meantime you have at least some family or friends who are able to support you.

[Poppyleaf1997]

Hey guys sorry been busy with little one. Thank you for your help and advise I really appreciate it! I will try and move it now. We’re in the process of going to mediation but as time goes on he is constantly taking things out on my son and it’s having an affect on him. I’m just worried incase it does go to court and they allow him to have him allow and he takes him near the person who has been abusive towards me and whom I’ve had to report in the past for harassment way before I was pregnant...they are both a lot older than me so it’s just wrong whats being done, especially when there is a baby involved, his son but I just don’t think he cares, he makes out he does to people to make himself look good but when it comes to helping with him, he does the minimum possible and doesn’t want to stay longer than an hour or even wait till he is asleep. Even after everything he has done to me and put me through I’ve tried to be nice and act like I wasn’t bothered and just wanted to concentrate on my son but that still didn’t do anything and he was still horrible to me infront of him so it looks like court is the only option. I don’t agree with the fact he is paying his daughter more than his son, because I will have to pay as well and his excuse was because he needed to save. It’s just wrong the whole thing, I’ve done nothing wrong to deserve what he is doing, I’ve been more than nice considering what he has done to me and to put me through this amount of stress when I’ve literally just had a baby is wrong.