I don't write all that often. It needs tweaking-but does it get a message across? Am I sounding too 'woke'?
TIA :)
What a stupid thing to say, huh?
Nice men don’t molest women! Nice men don’t want to upset anyone. They know It’s wrong to touch a woman sexually without consent. Hell if a man touched their wife/girlfriend/daughter/female friend like that, there’d be hell to pay! How dare he!
No man with an ounce of respect for women does things like that do they? They hear the females in their life relate stories about it happening, or see it on TV and react to it with contempt and shock, what a scumbag! Not a nice man, nice men don’t do things like this.
Apart from when they do.
This happened to me in my own house.
The man who did it is someone I regard as a friend. Quite a new one but, my family have known him longer.I don’t know many people around here. This man is someone I pay to do work I need doing, and we got along, and me and my partner and this man’s then-girlfriend all met for drinks one night a while ago and had a good time. I learned he did a pub quiz and me and my family went and did it. In short, he became someone we sometimes liked to hang out with, my other half liked him too. All good.
For a bit of a synopsis of this man, he has a great job. A great relationship with his adult children. He is well liked, friendly, popular, personable, generous, generally thought of as lovely.
I learned recently he had had some bad news. He’s lost a close family member. I paid my condolences and felt for him. He came around for a coffee and me and her sympathised and said pop in any time. So when he asked if the kettle was on the other day I said ‘sure’.
Only I’d ran out of coffee. I also realised I needed to walk the dog, and said rather than coffee shall we go have a couple of pints.. It’s lovely weather, why not.
After that we walked back to my house and he came in for another drink. After a while and a chat, I said okay I am sorry to end the evening here but I really must go to bed. I am tired, I’ve been up since 4:30 am. I was tipsy and did not want to drink more. I told him to see himself out, or sleep in the spare room if he wanted.
I had no reason why I should have believed I was in any danger.
Looking back, the slightly tipsy and very tired me must have had her guard up.. I don’t remember it being a conscious thing, but I didn’t undress. Why not? I guess because I don’t trust men fully no matter what.
I woke up some time later, with a hand up my top at the front and two wandering hands caressing me. I hate to use that word, but literally that’s what they were doing.
What they were ACTUALLY doing, was molesting me. Touching my breasts and upper body without my consent, while I was sleeping. Unconscious. Unable to give (or not give) consent. I did not react. I pretended to be asleep. I was not shocked (sadly!), or scared, and simply froze and said nothing. This man had come upstairs, seen me asleep, and somehow thought this was an okay thing to do. The hands then pinched my nipples, hard. Causing me to screw my eyes tighter closed in pain, and then they stopped. I remained still until I felt him move away and heard him leave the room. My main thought process at the time was
‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’
This is the point. I wasn’t traumatised, upset or deeply affected in any way by this incident. I wasn’t shocked either-I’m still not. Why? Because to me, this has become something men do. I sort of expect it. Even ones we see as nice people. They don’t do it because they’re not nice, they do it because THEY THINK IT’S OKAY. The way this man was touching me, at least until he hurt me, was in a way I would like my girlfriend to touch me. But when it’s none consensual, unprovoked and unwanted (and in my case, from the wrong gender) it is not a nice feeling. And It’s very wrong.
When this happened, I posted about it on a large forum I frequent using various different usernames. I like to keep anonymous online most of the time. I wanted strangers unbiased opinions, and I got them. What I found disturbing but not shocking, was that so many women responded by sharing their experiences of when something similar (or worse), had happened to them. This sort of thing is not uncommon. I knew that already, and they affirmed it.
As I write about it, I recognise my own symptoms of social conditioning, deeply internalised theories I have, which make me want to blame myself.
This sort of thing.
‘I should have made him leave before I went to bed’
‘I shouldn’t have got tipsy around a man I don’t know so well’
‘I shouldn’t go out for a drink with a man by myself, he may have read more into it’
‘I shouldn’t have dressed the way I was’ (I was wearing a tight top and a short skirt, albeit with thick tights and flat boots, I wasn’t dressed especially provocative, not that it matters).
There are some things about this situation, generated by me, that if I had done differently would have ensured this couldn’t happen. If I hadn’t have ran out of coffee, I wouldn’t have been tipsy and perhaps would have been more guarded. When I am already tired, alcohol just makes me sleepy, maybe I shouldn’t have had any.
If I hadn’t have let him come in for another drink.
If I hadn’t have been a friendly or sympathetic person.
If I had have locked my bedroom door.
If I hadn’t have made friends with this man in the first place.
If I wasn’t a person who appreciates friendship and likes to enjoy company of people I get on with
I can go on forever with this.
However, the reality is, what he did was very wrong. It would still be wrong if I was wearing a PVC minidress, a push up bra and stilettos. It would still be wrong if I was pissed out of my head. It would still be wrong if I had have flirted with him all night. It would still be wrong if I had have fancied him.
Another thing worth mentioning is, I actually told a male friend about this. His reaction was;
‘Well you invited him in, he probably thought he was in there’.
Aside from being disgusting, this is a huge part of the problem. There are people out there who believe that it is a woman’s responsibility, to stop men from behaving like this.
In this particular case (I must stress I don’t apply this to all such situations) I also think he did it because he fancies me. He fancies me because he finds me attractive, and he thinks this means he is allowed to touch me. This again is, a huge part of the problem. I know why he finds me attractive. I have a stereotypically attractive look, blonde hair, I dress in a way he likes, I keep myself in reasonable shape.
He thinks because of that, I DO IT FOR MEN.
And this is what makes him think It’s okay. This type of thinking (in my opinion) is Neanderthal, unintelligent, and dangerous. I don’t think he would have done this if I was butch, overweight, or his idea of ugly or unnatractive in any way.
It doesn’t occur to some men that a woman who makes an effort with her looks in a way that they like, do it for any reason other than because she wants to attract men. And if she wants to attract men, touching her is okay isn’t it? That’s what she wants!
No.
And if she does she will make it clear.
In my case, the above assumption is made even more bizarre, but more blatant due to the fact this man ‘knows’ I am a lesbian. I put ‘knows’ in inverted commas because, this is irrelevant to him. My sexuality is erased because he believes his wants and assumptions trump it. 100% . He believes my appearance negates this. I look like I do for men, no matter what I say. What I say about who I am, doesn’t count. My girlfriend doesn’t count.
Do I think he would have done this if I was straight?
Absolutely.
If I was dating a man?
Probably. But the point is I’m not. This is because I don’t want men to touch me ever. I obviously sympathize with anyone this sort of thing has happened to, regardless of their gender, sexuality or any aspect of who they are. But I believe the fact that It’s obvious and often made obvious to him that I’m not into men and don’t want them to touch me, makes what he did worse.
I was unable to consent because I was asleep. He knows this. This man isn’t stupid.
If any men read this, I hope you read it and think ‘What a wanker’ and not ‘Ugh, what he did wasn’t THAT bad’.
But if it is the latter, you know what, I agree with you, it wasn’t. I am not traumatised by it or especially upset even. I am not in shock. I am not injured or incapacitated by it.
That’s not a good thing. I should be traumatised by it. I should be shocked. I should be overly upset about it because it should be the sort of thing that’s unheard of and never happens.
The reason it isn’t ‘THAT bad’ is because we think ‘He could have done worse’.
I also have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that had I put loose pjamas on, or slept naked, he would have done ‘A lot worse’.
Men, please do your gender a favour and don’t do things like this. If you’ve read this and are thinking ‘I did something like that once’ or ‘He didn’t do anything so bad!’ Have a think about this.
This could be reported to the police. You could lose your job
You could lose your friends
You would be made to look like a wanker to anyone who finds out you’re labelled as a sexual predator.
Your reputation could be tarnished.
Your daughters could find out
Your female friends could find out
Does this illustrate to you that It’s wrong? I won’t go down the route of It’s illegal because It’s wrong because frankly some things are illegal that if pressed I might think shouldn’t be.
But it is illegal regardless. What he did was a crime. And it has reinforced my misandry which I struggle with already because of many experiences with men me and my female peers have had.
I don’t want to dislike men. I don’t want to label them all as the same. I don’t want to be afraid of them, careful around them and disappointed in male friends like I am with this one, who I will now never give my business to again, socialise with again, or sympathise with again. I don’t want to be a man-hating lesbian. I have men in my life who I love.
But when they do things like this, it makes things difficult.
Thank you for reading.