Visitation rights

[PromiseRose]

So, my partner and I are having some major issues and it looks increasingly likely that we'll end up breaking up. His behaviour has been becoming increasingly emotionally abusive towards me. We have a baby together and I'm concerned that when we break up he'll have access without me present. I wouldn't be opposed to this with a normal break up but due to the emotional abuse I'm concerned he may bad mouth me to put child. Also he had not shown himself go be a responsible parent yet, letting me to 100% of the child care etc. Does anyone know what his rights are and if there's anything I can do to make sure his access is with me present only, at least until baby is a little older and not still breastfeeding. He's on the birth certificate but we're not married.
TIA

How old is the baby?

No you can’t make sure his access is only with you present, just like he, the other parent can’t make sure your access is just with him present. The child has a right to contact with both of its parents. As the child is breastfeeding contact should be in short regular visits building up to longer visits and eventually overnight contact when the child is no longer breastfeeding. Fear of being badmouthed is nowhere near a valid reason to prevent a normal relationship between a father and child.

‘Im so sorry you’re in this position, I imagine you feel helpless to protect your child. I’ve seen lots of women on here stay in terrible relationships for exactly this reason.

I think there would have to be a legal order to prevent him having unsupervised access? All I could suggest is gather up every scrap of his abuse and maybe see a solicitor.

Evidence of his abuse, that should say

You have used a US term in your title, but I'm guessing from other parts of your post that you might be in one of the countries of the UK

Would you confirm what jurisdiction you are in, as that could make a considerable difference to what you can expect and the procedures required.

In the UK, his name on the birth certificate means he has equal rights and responsibilities.

I would be tempted, at first, to do nothing. If your partner hasn't taken any interest in caring, he may not want to do anything regarding contact, at least in the short term.

The courts expect parents to make arrangements and it is only if there is no agreement, that court decisions would be sort. It is most likely that he would be the one having to pursue, therefore you don't need to do anything.

In the meantime, keep a record of the emotional abuse, it might come in handy later.

Fear of being badmouthed is nowhere near a valid reason to prevent a normal relationship between a father and child

I think the main concern here is ops experience of emotional abuse from her partner and that he may use the child as another means of getting at her.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through similar and ended up staying until my child was older as I was so fearful of being separated from my infant, (he used to threaten me that he would get 50/50 custody if I left, all part of the abuse, I realise in retrospect, even though he didn't care for the baby at all, physically or emotionally.) Years later I managed to leave and at that point the abuse turned physical. I regret not leaving earlier as my child unfortunately witnessed a lot of emotional abuse, which had slowly become so normalised for me.

If he is being abusive I would strongly advice you to contact rights of women, they have a free legal helpline and also lots of other resources. Many abusive men use child contact and family courts as a way of continuing to abuse the ex partner. Rights Of Women can help you figure out what is the best way forward for you.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I know nothing about the laws regarding this but surely if you're breastfeeding, the baby can't be away from you as you never know when they're going to need feeding. I mean, you can guess, bit IME it's no guarantee

Posting in the 'legal matters' section might attract answers from longstanding MNetters who say they are family lawyers and whioe posting record indicates that is (almost certainly) true.

The rights which take precedence in courts in all jurisdictions of the UK are those of the child and the DC's right to a relationship with both parents.

For a breast fed baby, that would be little an often, so a couple of hours most or every day. That would then increase in length as the Dc reaches an age where combination and idc mixed feeding is appropriate. Breastfeeding is only protected in law up to 6 months in England, so you can expect the transition to begin then.

I don't think the idea that he might be bad mouthing the mother to a baby still young enough to be breastfed is going to be persuasive.

Women have to stop or reduce breastfeeding at 6 months in order that the other parent can have them for longer time periods?

And that's deemed as being in the best interests of the child?

I didn't know that. Best interests of the child is in fact over ridden by what the other parent wants then. It's window dressing really.

I don't think that's the reason why the protections for breastfeeding were set up as they are in English law (no idea I'm afraid about the other home nations)

Didn't it grow out of employment issues? It's in the 2010 equalities act in respect of businesses, services and employers

Breastfeeding is protected in that you can't tell a woman to stop bf in public or Chuck her out of eg a cafe for doing so.

The idea that sheet 6 months women can be forced to cut back or stop in order to allow the other parent longer access is not something I was aware of and I think that's really bad and in no way in the interests of the baby.

'In a nutshell: In the UK, it’s unlawful for a business (such as a cafe or sports centre) to discriminate against a woman who is breastfeeding a child of any age, and you can breastfeed in any public space, such as a park.'

Doesn't say anything about 6 months.

Is that something just around family law then?

I think the main concern here is ops experience of emotional abuse from her partner and that he may use the child as another means of getting at her.

I understand what the concern is, but it’s not enough to prevent a normal parenting relationship. Any parent could say “I think he might do X, Y and Z” but unless he has actually harmed the DC the court don’t deem it a valid reason.

8 months

England

The equalities act (section 17?) talks about employers needing to provide facilities to support breast feeding up to 26 weeks post parturition

They do not have to do so after that, as it is held that babies can be moved onto expressed milk by bottle, combination feeding with formula, and solids by that time.

I expect it will be similar for expectations that the father can feed the infant an appropriate diet once over 6 months

OP: if you want advice from posters who have a strong posting history on family law matters, I suggest you get this moved to the legal section where they are more likely to see it.

I googled it last night and says it's case by case and to find a good lawyer if you can't agree, one who understands and can argue the points about benefits of bf well.

Maybe it will help www.laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-contact-cases/

The information from laleche league covers DC up to the age of 1, and is about ensuring that the infant continues to access breast milk.

It will not in itself mean that OP gets to supervise contact, but probably will mean she will have to make DC available for short contact very frequently over the next four months (assuming that the separation, which has not yet happened, takes place during that time).

Once over age 1, then the expectation of how long a DC can be with their father do evolve, including for those still BF

I'm going to be honest with you. I have experience of the family courts over several years arranging contact with an abusive ex. If he applies for contact he will get it. If contact is to be supervised, it won't be by you. Unless the police have been involved it's quite likely supervised contact won't be ordered. The court is interested in the child and not what has happened in the relationship you had with the father.

I wouldn't advise you supervising if he was abusive. Any way of getting someone else to? My ex was v abusive, socual work were involved, to start with contact was supervised by a male social worker next a dad's group, then contact centre and then unsupervised at activities ( swimming/soft play sort of thing) this was over about 2 years. Starting from about 14months, still BF. Little and often but really think about you not supervising

I used to meet my ex in a cafe that had a children’s area. Eventually he would take the baby for a couple of hours once a week. I think if I hadn’t pushed the contact he wouldn’t have bothered, but there was an older child too and I wanted them to have the same relationship.

It’s difficult in these coronavirus times but if you do facilitate access do not do it in your own home, or in his. Really really don’t!

Also talk to your health visitor about it - if they are any good, and tell them about the abuse. Mine was awesome (I was really lucky) and she had my back when the children’s father tried abusing by proxy a while later. The health visitors are supportive of breastfeeding too and may be able to advise you on feeding and contact. It is subjective though, they’ll know nothing about any legal position. I don’t either, this is just information about what worked for someone else in a similar situation.

Women’s aid may also be useful.