The Road to Damascus

[TheDuchessOfEarl]

So this is my first post on FWR (it's actually my first post in many, many years). But fear not, I'm not one of those who comes with a disingenuous question that could quite easily have been answered with a cursory glance at many of the posts on here. I've come to share my journey from Well-meaning Fuckwit to Actual Feminist I hope it's not boring but I just needed to share it with someone...

Last Christmas I was chatting to a friend about my teenage DD's conversion to Non-binary and we got on to the difference between sex & gender. My friend suggested I Google Maya Forstater for further information - which sent me down a rabbit hole.

Up until my DD's decision I'd been firmly in the TWAW camp. Looking back I think this was due to an old friend having a trans sibling and my DH having a (previously cross dressing) uni friend who has recently come out as full on trans.

I started lurking on FWR and confess at first I was a bit shocked by how "anti trans" it was (yeah, I know, I was a dick). The more I read, the more I realised how naive I had been. How my "feminism" hadn't been centring women and was actually harming them. Thanks to the amazing, educated, articulate women of FWR I have come full circle and now proudly (but privately) claim the title T*RF.

Following the treatment of JKR over the summer I fell out with DH because he refused to discuss the situation saying that, despite having a wife, daughter, nieces, sister etc etc he had no skin in the game!

Eventually, things blew up and he realised how much the issue was affecting my mental health. We talked.

At first I dont think he quite got the whole "womanhood isn't about feelz" and he (obviously to be loyal to his trans friend) maintained TWAW. The turning point came when I asked "Would you sleep with [trans friend]?" "Well no, because..." "Because...?" It was like watching a light switching on behind his eyes "Well, there are lots of reasons but yes, because she's a man". It was like winning one of those arguments that you have in your head while in the shower, where you have all the right answers carefully planned and you back up your arguments with facts and definitely don't cry and don't call anyone a cunt (I'm assuming here that I'm not the only person who does this)

For the last few months I've tutted, heavy sighed and fuck's saked a lot while reading GC stuff online and he's shown a bit of interest but in a low-key kind of way. He's quite (very) stubborn but I could tell he was definitely changing the way he thought about things. About a month ago he arranged a Zoom drinking session with his trans mate. The following day DH commented that [trans friend] was exactly how they'd always been, just looked different. It really brought it home to him that male socialisation doesn't disappear after 50 years just by wearing a wig and sparkly heels.

I haven't pushed the GC stuff with him but we've chatted about bits and pieces. Today he's just come into the front room looking rather eye rolly and said "Guess who's the latest person they say is a T*RF? Nicola Adams! Presumably because she doesn't think she should have to fight against Antony Joshua?!?" I think he finally gets it.

I think our story just shows that the reason for #nodebate is that once people start talking properly about the issues, it becomes impossible to believe the mantra.

So thank you, good people of FWR. Thank you for opening my eyes. I cringe now at the thought of how readily I trotted out TWAW and thought badly of those who were brave enough to speak up (I think there are a few old school feminists I should probably send a bottle of gin to by way of apology!) One day DD will grow out of her NB phase. She's highly intelligent and I can already see the shoots of her questioning things in her own head. When she's finally free, I'll send her your way and you can work your magic. There must be hundreds of women like me who lurk on this board, who - at the minute - are still nervous to be outwardly GC. But we're here, we take notes and we're asking gently probing questions of the people we know, sussing out those who are allies. One day we'll be brave enough to stick our heads above the parapet. I just hope I find that courage before it's too late.

Thanks for sharing, Duchess - it's really encouraging.

I think if you can get in touch with some of those old-school feminists and say 'hey - you were right', they'd really appreciate it.

I'm sure they get discouraged.

Lovely post Duchess Most of us started at a similar point I think. But the overreach, the failure of the bullying #nodebate and the deliberate targeting of children has resulted in tens of thousands (probably hundreds of thousands) of women and men waking up and starting to say 'NO'.

It's a scary time to be a woman (and a parent) but step by step we are starting to make progress - and many of us have watched our adult children move from the unthinking TWAW to a more adult approach as they mature and appreciate the nature of our sex based oppression.

Lovely post. Once it's seen it cannot be unseen.

Beautiful
Courage calls to courage

Thanks for sharing Duchess

Thanks Duchess
It is always interesting to hear what sparked the dissonance.

That was great to read - thank you so much for sharing your story!

Lovely to hear about your journey. I hope it inspires a few lurkers to look a little deeper. It's so easy to trot along with the conventional wisdom -- I did too, for a while.

A lovely post duchess. I think few women have started out without some confusion and doubt.

I'm sure your daughter will move on from her nb phase.

It's a bit hard to see the world again as it was isn't it!

An uplifting read after a grey day. Thank you

Please do not be ashamed and do not cringe. Be proud of yourself for recognising the need for change.

And welcome to the coven

This was good to read. Thank you for posting, I think it can get disheartening for a lot of women so stories like this do matter.

Last Christmas I was chatting to a friend about my teenage DD's conversion to Non-binary and we got on to the difference between sex & gender. My friend suggested I Google Maya Forstater for further information - which sent me down a rabbit hole.

This is why it is important to speak up. Talk to friends, don't stay silent!! OP might still be that mum believing it was fine that her feminism did not center women. And her husband would still think he had no skin in the game. Talk. Wear the t-shirt. It makes a difference!

salut.

That's great. Now go and educate everyone else in your life. We really need to spread the word.

Thank you for posting this Duchess

As much as I appreciate the free speech angle, it's great to hear from people who see the unfairness and harm to women.

My 12 year old commented about how JKR was transphobic. I explained that I agreed with her, that she wasn’t transphobic and was just concerned about keeping women’s safe spaces. I asked whether it would be fair if her dad identified as a 10 year old and took part in races for 10 year olds. She replied “ that’s silly, because he couldn’t actually become a 10 year old. I replied -exactly, and men can’t really become women, so men shouldn’t be in women’s sports.
I hate to say that I also advised her not to use my arguments At school, for fear of her being labelled transphobic, but the conversation did make me wonder if all those lessons at school/on tv etc have made her think that people can actually morph into the opposite sex.

@JellySlice

Please do not be ashamed and do not cringe. Be proud of yourself for recognising the need for change.

And welcome to the coven

This. So many of us have been through a similar journey as you. It takes inner courage and conviction to examine issues for yourself and deal with the challenging thoughts and feelings that results from such a process.

It's not easy to admit to oneself that you might have been wrong or adopted a position without looking at all the facts behind it.

For the last few months I've tutted, heavy sighed and fuck's saked a lot while reading GC stuff online and he's shown a bit of interest but in a low-key kind of way.

That made me chuckle because I went through that same process about 2 years ago. I even cried in frustration and fear as I couldn't believe what I was reading... Never would I have imagined womanhood and women's rights being so casually undermined by those who claim to be on our side. It really cut deep.

And my partner was initially baffled. He knew I'm sort of passionate about general left wing causes, but had never seen me so upset and angry and agitated about something before. He has also slowly come around and while he doesn't fancy getting into long arguments, he certainly seems to have understood many of the connected issues and how deeply this affects me.

The tactic of No Debate is definitely to avoid the little people from discussing amongst themselves lest they end up with the "wrong" conclusions.

Given I honestly thought I was able to birth puppies after a randy Labrador kept knocking me over and shagging me at the bottom of a snowy icy sledge ride when I was 12, despite having known the facts of life well for a while, as well as watching many David Attenborough films, I don't doubt that kids believe you can actually change sex.

( a bloke kept laughing instead of helping, the dog was huge compared to me. it was horrid.)