So angry

[wonderstuff]

A boy at my daughter's school has assaulted and made serious threats of sexual assault toward some girls. They are year 8. Dd not directly affected, but I feel I need to talk to her about boundaries and consent and what complete pricks boys can be.
I'm just so angry that we're still here, that boys persist in making school unsafe for girls. Not just school, everywhere. It's going to be this way forever isn't it.
Dd has some lovely male friends, who have called out other boys being rude to her. I have brought her up to believe she can do anything and she does, but there are going to be dicks out there. How do I arm her for that?

I would really hope it is one boy, you can't tar all boys with the same brush. I don't think the majority of boys make school unsafe for girls.

A minority of boys are like this. Be careful not to make your daughter as cynical as you, it's not healthy.

Self defense class.
Teach her that her gut feeling is more important then being afraid to hurt others feelings.

And I would make it v v clear to the school that if the boy stays in the same class as the girls he has assaulted, I would hold the school responsible for any bad outcome that it might result in.

There's a girls' school near me. Do pps saying NAM (and boys) ALT think that any of the hundreds of pupil on pupil rapes carried out in schools in this country every year are happening there? If not, why not?

It might be only one boy in this case, but on average more than one girl a day of the school year is raped IN SCHOOL by boys, never mind all those who are groped, verbally abused etc.

Sadly I don't have any answers for you though OP. My DD is also coming up to this age and I have been thinking I need to speak to her (and DS!) about these things, but it's hard to know how to approach it and heartbreaking that we have to. She already experienced a drunk old man in the park shouting sexualised abuse at us (though more aimed at me) after we ignored his early comments...but as she is starting puberty, it probably won't be long till people start doing it directly to her too

@ChaChaCha2012 what attitude towards sexual assault would you consider healthy?

It is one boy particularly, but a group of 4 or 5 others have been punished for being part of a group WhatsApp where they were pretty unpleasant about the girls targeted. I think the school have taken it seriously, which is reassuring to some degree. Stats on sexual assault in schools are pretty grim reading though, I'm not convinced this will be a one off.

Of course this is a minority of boys and men, but it's a large enough group to expose a huge number of women and girls isn't it.

How depressing that the first two responses to OP immediately jump to NAMALT.

that sounds terrible. Are you able to have stern words with the school and tell them they need to sort this out? Have they involved anyone like Social Services - there should be concerns at such sexual behaviour at such a young age.

I wonder what issues the boy might have as well - there was a similar situation in our primary school and he had foetal alchohol syndrome and various family background issues. The school never dealt with it satisfactorily but surely there will come a time if we push hard enough schools will take a harder line. They have the police in about internet safety, maybe they could have a similar physical safety/acceptable boundaries talk? There is a great programme in Africa where they are teaching girls to say NO! to boys and it is helping to reduce the rape/sexual assault. Our girls boundaries seem to be being constantly eroded these days - we need to group together and push back on that.
I got my girls to learn tae kwon do for a few years - they got fed up with it after a while but maybe they have learnt something useful (I certainly did :))

The statistics for sexual assaults and rapes in schools are appalling and you have every right to be angry. It's shocking.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/london-schools-nurseries-rape-sexual-assaults-foi-statistics-figures-a7213751.html

This is just 250 rapes/sexual assaults a year in just London schools and nurseries . As pp said the statistic is 200 girls are raped a year in schools, which is one each day schools are open. We are failing our girls.

And to the comment that it's cynical to say boys are worse, here's the govt safeguarding advice

The evidence highlights why it is important that all school and college staff have an understanding of what sexual violence and sexual harassment might look like and what to do if they have a concern or receive a report. Whilst any report of sexual violence or sexual harassment should be taken seriously, staff should be aware it is more likely that girls will be the victims of sexual violence and sexual harassment and more likely it will be perpetrated by boy

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/719902/Sexual_violence_and_sexual_harassment_between_children_in_schools_and_colleges.pdf

It is not cynical to tell your daughter she is more at risk from sexual violence and it's more likely to be perpetrated by boys. It's a sad fact of life and we should do all we can to support them and encourage healthy boundaries because of it.

I don't have any advice, just solidarity. In fact I too would appreciate any as the parent of a girl.

@AriettyHomily

I would really hope it is one boy, you can't tar all boys with the same brush. I don't think the majority of boys make school unsafe for girls.

one is enough though isn't it.

@ahagwearsapointybonnet yes, I'm heartbroken at it. I wish things were better. Some of the threats made by this boy were shocking, and I'm sure she'll have heard about it.
I don't know, I just remember being a teenager and really believing that things would be better in the future and if anything it seems worse.

Actually I would say look at that govt guidance - does the school seem to be following it?
Might be worth sending it to them and reminding them of their safeguarding requirements and not just brushing it under the carpet.

Oh do fuck off with the "not all men" instant response. I mean, really, no shit Sherlock, it's even written there in the OP.

But as a class, men do damage to women, yes.

@gardenbird48 the school have contacted the parents of the girls who were attacked and those on a list of victims he'd made, I know at least one family has contacted the police, hopefully they all will. School have made fixed term exclusions for the perpetrator and his friends on a grim online chat, so to be fair do seem to be taking seriously. I've no doubt social services will be informed.

I guess it's great she's got some good male friends who stick up for her (crap they ever have to) when everyday sexism happens. I'll ask her about martial arts.

I guess all we can do is keep talking, making sure our children know what's not okay and encouraging boundaries.

I knew the statistics on sexual assault in schools, but when it's so close to home they feel more real.

At least they weren’t carrying out a hate crime....

@aesopfable I was thinking that. Surely it is a crime though to threaten to attack someone?

Isn't the WhatsApp group conspiracy to commit a crime? This is something I often wonder about social media groups egging each other on to worse and worse threats: it's conspiracy, can't it be taken to court as such?

My DD is yr 9. I would agree that a fair few boys in her class have really shitty attitudes towards girls. She is at what I thought would be a decent school, academically it is excellent, but the behaviour leaves an awful lot to be desired. In the last few weeks one boy has shown her pornographic images on his phone, has offered to date her (not meant) other boys measure their dicks in class and pretend to jack off when the teacher isn't looking. They ask lots of rude questions about sex, say they are having sex with other girls/boys, etc. This seems to be considered pretty normal behaviour. School barely seem to notice and do very little about it.

I think this should lead to the boy(s) in question being removed from the school and sent to a pupil referral unit. The priority should be the safety and education of the girls.

Urgh

Why do people still come onto a feminist board, read a post about sexual assult and then care more about the reputation of boys and men iver the well being of the female victim. Ffs

So sorry to hear about this op your poor dd. Our girls are not safe in schools. Haven't been long before civid but that gets the attention over the long time epidemic of sexual violence against girls in our schools

A rape a day. Including primary schools.

When will enough be enough

[quote wonderstuff]@aesopfable I was thinking that. Surely it is a crime though to threaten to attack someone?[/quote]
Yes but as they were targeting girls it is not a hate crime and therefore not important.

How depressing that the first two responses to OP immediately jump to NAMALT.

My thoughts exactly, both poster completely ignored the OP as she said her DD has nice friends who are boys who called out the little shit on his threats

Dd has some lovely male friends, who have called out other boys being rude to her.

FFs, are we back to not being able to talk about safeguarding our children again?

@GCAcademic

How depressing that the first two responses to OP immediately jump to NAMALT.

One's a frequent flyer, as they say.

This is shocking. I hope the school are taking it very seriously. Good too that your DD has some lovely boys in her year so that she can be reassured that most boys/men do not participate in or condone such behaviour.
My DC were shown at school which I think is very good.

I'm glad the police were called in and I hope they press charges.

Absolutely sick and tired of these attacks on girls in schools.

One of the key reasons I am saddled with monthly schools fees the same as my mortgage is because my local secondary is shit at dealing with this so I've sent DD11 to a private girls school.

I'm glad I could do it but I shouldn't bloody have to.

And to the poster who did the whole namalt, just jog on will you.