My husband wants to help

[AskingQuestionsAllTheTime]

by donating to a women's shelter or rape crisis shelter. (Sort of like tithing, only in the "this bit of money is not needed this month" category rather than being able to commit to a fixed sum every month.)

He wants to donate to somewhere that really will help women, he says, and not be impossible for abused women to use because if they did they might have to be in proximity with someone male-bodied in their safe space. Or even have male voices on the telephone.

How can we (he, but I am trying to help) identify such a shelter? I'm sure it will be easy to give any shelter money, but without actually being involved which would defeat the object how can he identify such a place?

This is really messy and difficult to explain without causing offence to someone in one way or another, but if anyone can point him at places which have funding difficulties because they are firm that they are women-only, it would be very helpful. Thank you.

Look up the history of Vancouver Rape Relief & Women's Shelter:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vancouver_Rape_Relief_%26_Women%27s_Shelter

The continuing existence of that shelter and its commitment to helping women is a thorn in the side of the worst of the women-hating trans activists. The shelter is continually under attack.

A more lurid example of what they face:

www.vancourier.com/news/vancouver-rape-relief-targeted-with-vandalism-threats-over-transgender-controversy-1.23929856

I think he was hoping for somewhere that works in pounds sterling, but gosh, what brave women!

And what a shame that there are people who want to destroy something just because they can't have it for themselves.

Karen Ingala Smith who spoke to a Parliamentary committee about the importance of female only spaces for female abuse victims is I believe involved with the UK organisation below.
niaendingviolence.org.uk/

It’s not a shelter but The Freedom Programme is women only and UK based.

Sad that my first thought was to deflect this enquiry to protect the shelter that might be named. If there is a shelter with strong boundaries I hope they are not named on this site where we are monitored and muzzled.

I’d suggest ad hoc donations to crowdfunding for legal cases. This is how Kiera, Maya et al are funding their actions. I fear the level and speed of capture are such that I won’t commit to an ongoing DD.

@growinggreyer

Sad that my first thought was to deflect this enquiry to protect the shelter that might be named. If there is a shelter with strong boundaries I hope they are not named on this site where we are monitored and muzzled.

good point

Yes, I agree about contributing to the crowdfunding of legal cases, such as the ones mentioned, and also the current case about the Scottish government's redefinition of the word 'woman'. These will ultimately have the effect of protecting women-only spaces.

@Dogman

I’d suggest ad hoc donations to crowdfunding for legal cases. This is how Kiera, Maya et al are funding their actions. I fear the level and speed of capture are such that I won’t commit to an ongoing DD.

This.

I would also be extremely wary of 'outing' any shelters that actually are female only. Especially on here where we know we are 'monitored' 24/7. Any mention of anywhere that does think females should have a space away from males, will result in the TRAs descending on that place like a pack of wolves.

I donate to the legal cases and Fair Play For Women too.

If he wants to help he can also direct his question at both Women's Aid and Refuge.

I’d suggest ad hoc donations to crowdfunding for legal cases

Absolutely this. Giving money to a shelter is not an effective use of the cash.

And (speaking as a man myself) one of the most important things to do is to SPEAK OUT and offer UNWAVERING SUPPORT for women in the line of fire (Maya et all)

Shelters are supposed to give crisis support to women and children fleeing domestic violence, I guess they won't seem like an effective way to use cash if you've never needed one.

Many cities no longer have shelters that house women and children, they've closed for lack of money; or for ideological reasons have become mixed sex instead.
Its one of the reasons the murder rate tripled during lockdown.

@growinggreyer

Sad that my first thought was to deflect this enquiry to protect the shelter that might be named. If there is a shelter with strong boundaries I hope they are not named on this site where we are monitored and muzzled.

growinggreyer Sun 18-Oct-20 14:37:41

Sad that my first thought was to deflect this enquiry to protect the shelter that might be named. If there is a shelter with strong boundaries I hope they are not named on this site where we are monitored and muzzled.

Damn, damn, damn; I hadn't thought of that. I'm sorry!

What everyone else says.

Also, if he truly wants to help vulnerable women, he should eschew porn and strongly encourage his fellow males to do likewise. Yeah I know, what's the bloody chance of that.

@Thelnebriati

Shelters are supposed to give crisis support to women and children fleeing domestic violence, I guess they won't seem like an effective way to use cash if you've never needed one.

Many cities no longer have shelters that house women and children, they've closed for lack of money; or for ideological reasons have become mixed sex instead.
Its one of the reasons the murder rate tripled during lockdown.

Agreed. Of curse it is an effective use of cash, these places are screaming out for funding and need it desperately.

I assume the poster meant..not effective in specifically fighting the 'single sex spaces' thing, like if he is concerned about letting shlelters go back to being female only, then donating to the shelter will not help that issue? Rather than the way it came across?! I fucking hope so anyway tbh, as actually claiming on a feminist forum that people shouldn't really donate to shelters as its not an effective use of cash (not needed?! ) is a bit..weird.

I think he wants to help with immediate need, on the whole; his question concerned wanting " to donate to a shelter that helped women fleeing from domestic violence". I've forwarded all suggestions to him, anyway, and will see what he decides to do -- and I'll let people know on this thread, if anyone is interested, though he'll probably make up his mind over the next few hours rather than immediately.

@Antibles

What everyone else says.

Also, if he truly wants to help vulnerable women, he should eschew porn and strongly encourage his fellow males to do likewise. Yeah I know, what's the bloody chance of that.

this is a bit uncalled for OP's DH specifically wants to donate to women only refuges, people have pointed out some of the problems with identifying them although one concrete suggestion has been made- I think directing the question at Refuge and Women's Aid is a very useful thing to do....no need to suggest this man uses porn, is there? there are plenty of men who don't and plenty of men who wouldn't routinely have the opportunity to challenge other men who might.
Please don't tell me all men use porn, it wasn't true in the 70s and it's not true now.

Also, if he truly wants to help vulnerable women, he should eschew porn and strongly encourage his fellow males to do likewise. Yeah I know, what's the bloody chance of that.

Excuse me, my husband never once looked at porn, and my son (35) may have in his younger years, but doesn't at all any more. And I'm pretty sure my son-in-law is the same!
So there is a definite bloody chance!

If he wants to help women, understanding our concerns and talking to other men about it will go a long way. DH has started doing this. Lots of men don't know, don't care, don't understand.

I'm still donating to women's aid. Women still need refuges and I have to trust my sisters on the ground are doing the right things to protect women, despite the current ideology. It's messy and clearly I disagree with the current policy but having no refuges doesn't serve women.

No idea why my post was deleted, was just a suggestion to donate to the current fundraiser (crowdjustice) for the judicial review to "Stop the Scottish government redefining the word 'woman' to include men".

(Unless we are not allowed to post links anymore? Maybe that was it)

Thank you to everyone here who has been helpful to someone they don't know and who wants (because he is actually a fairly decent human being) to help a group of other people, strangers to him, whom he has become aware will make good use of money he doesn't keep for his own needs.

It has been made clear to me that I shouldn't say here where he ends up sending his dosh: as pointed out above, I don't want to make them into a target for malign ratbags. So it has to be thanks without any "end of the story", for which I can only apologise.

In reply to "he can help by educating other men", he has I think been cold-watering sexist crap in any circle he has been in, since he was in his teens -- I think this because I have heard him do it, and also been there when he's appealed to the women in a group to explain something to him and the males there, rather than speaking for women; he's recently been very confused (and unhappy) about the realisation that his trans friends of any gender may, without their necessarily knowing or wanting it, have been aligned with or represented by people who are behaving in a bigoted way. He wanted to go round that problem by contributing to somewhere he was sure would help women rather than assisting a political movement.

I didn't reply to the inevitable "he shouldn't watch porn then" comment because it strikes me as on a par with "when did you stop beating your wife": impossible to answer in any way that doesn't sound like an admission of guilt. All men (and women) can watch porn; not all men (or women) choose to watch it. I'm sorry if anyone has bad experiences which make this impossible for them to believe.