Expectations vs reality

[realmum233]

Having trouble with idealistic and traditional expectations imposed on mothers, made worse through the media! Feel like society still expects us to be the 'perfect, devoted, natural mother' and it is a lot to live up to and very unrealistic. Anyone else feeling this pressure?

Much less acute now DS is a tween, but yes, I felt this very acutely when DS was a baby. I was not a natural mother of a baby. I think for a lot of women this is a learned skill rather than coming naturally - but we are made to feel wrong because we have to learn.

At the same time, it's a double-edged sword, because by insisting that parenting is a "natural thing for women to be able to do" rather than a learned skill, society helps to prop up the belief that when a man is a useless father that's just because "parenting doesn't come naturally to men the way it does to women" rather than because he can't be bothered to put the effort into learning how to do it.

So the narrative is simultaneously a stick to beat women with, and a get-out-of-jail-free card for men.

What she said ⬆️

I spent the first 18 months after going back to work feeling like I was failing on all fronts. Shit mother, shit employee.

In reality, I was trying to fit two roles which each individually previously took up full days into the same day, as a FT working woman who was also the primary responsible person for a toddler, doing all nursery pick-ups, drop-offs, organising, etc etc. Meanwhile, my DH carried on as he was before children, going to work and sorting himself out, as he'd been able to do as I was at home sorting everything else during mat leave.

It was tough.

It all became much easier when I, on the verge of a breakdown, told DH that he had to start sharing the load. He's not a bad person, he'd just fallen into a pattern which was easy for him so he didn't think to change it.

Anything in particular you're struggling with, OP?
Agree with previous posts. The Mental Load is a thing.
Up until I'd had kids I would've said I wasn't treated/didn't live any differently from a man. Maternity etc really seems to highlight sex differences/sex stereotypes.

Oh yes. A mother's place is in the wrong.

It's better than it used to be but there's still an undertone of:

If you go back to paid employment, you're a heartless cow who is doomed to raise delinquents.
If you stay at home to try and be supermum you're a parasite.
If you go part-time you're not a truly committed employee.

Take your pick!

Why women buy into it, I'm not sure. Lack of self-confidence? Same reason it's always women beating themselves up about whether they are being ethical enough or kind enough? Men in general just don't seem to bother with this self-analysis and self-flagellation so attempts to guilt trip them don't work. We are so conditioned to turn our gaze on ourselves to see what we look like to others and it's crippling.

Women are supposed to work like they don't have children and be there for their children like they don't work.

This sums it up for me.

For me the worst bit was all the free parenting magazines (full of adverts)

You know, it starts with the GP/midwifes handing you a Bounty bag at your first antenatal appointment, and before you know it you're subscribing to Emma's diary, the Pamper's newsletter and what not... Because, you know, who doesn't like free vouchers? And babies are expensive, everyone knows that, and also you could probably use some free parenting advice, and it's nice to feel part of a community. Oh and here comes the NCT! Etc.

And slowly you build that internal image of what a perfect mother should be like, making casts of her bump, giving birth naturally while listening to whale songs, booking baby photo shoots, breastfeeding while wearing the most fashionable baby sling, going to mother and baby yoga classes, bouncing back into her pre-pregnancy jeans, feeding on demand, sleep training, ...
Deep down, it's mostly all just marketing, really. All this "free advice" is trying to sell you something, whether it's a product, or "experiences", or "expertise"... Capitalising on the boundless love you feel for your baby (and on your self-doubt, and desire to excel), repackaging all these strong and confusing feelings into fancy (unatainable) aspirations thay they can easily sell back to you (just how many photographs and hand prints and foot prints of your newborn do you need, really? And how the fuck did we even survive before gender reveal parties?)
It's exploitative and psychologically harmful. But very lucrative, so no reason for it to stop? (just like women's fashion/beauty magazines are typically a cesspit of internalised misogyny)

Similarly, I believe a lot of modern regressive gender norms are being enforced through aggressive marketing, for purely financial reasons: e.g. the colour coding of baby/children stuff ensures that statistically, you sell more (can't so easily reuse heavily gendered items between siblings). Who cares if that's socially harmful? Profit!

Most of the unreasonable expectations on mothers are placed by other mothers. I was never a helicopter parent on the playground nor did I have trouble entrusting my baby to his father for extended periods of time. I got criticized for both. The explanation was: "It's not that we think you're a bad mother, we're just envious. Hehe."

I am beyond glad my son is now a teen and these mom groups are a thing of the past. People often wonder what toxic femininity looks like. Moms undermining other moms is certainly a big part of it.

Most of the unreasonable expectations on mothers are placed by other mothers

Maybe in a direct sense yes, but these expectations don't come out of nowhere.

Like kaiserin says, a lot of it is a result of marketing. We internalise a lot of shit!

@Turgha

This sums it up for me.

Love this. Absafuckinglutely.

I haven't especially but I think it is largely because

• I have always been a bit "odd one out" so I'm used to and fine with it
• I work in a field dominated by women and it's a very diverse mix so we get all sorts of attitudes and styles
• my work is in a sector where we deal with awful or abusive parenting and I think it's helped my level my perspectives on what's "good enough" parenting and not beat myself up over the small stuff.

Not that I am saying you beat yourself up over small stuff OP. And I don't at all find parenting easy either, it is really really hard. Harder than I was prepared for.

@DeaconBoo

Most of the unreasonable expectations on mothers are placed by other mothers

Maybe in a direct sense yes, but these expectations don't come out of nowhere.

Like kaiserin says, a lot of it is a result of marketing. We internalise a lot of shit!

A lot of my expectations came from being the eldest in a larger family, and the eldest amongst my cousins and all my mother's friends being parents of younger children from when we moved area.

They may have been a bit dated, but they were fairly grounded.

I do wonder for my own children though as they are close in age so have no recollection of each other as babies and we have lived far from the rest of the family. They spend a lot of time watching films and online.

Anything of film/tv/books, the baby is around when needed, then may as well not exist for the rest of the plot - they just get looked after off set There is never any inkling of the constant relentlessness of it unless they need some aspect for the plot.

@Kaiserin nail on head.
I cannot STAND how much I'm being marketed to right now. And the worst part is that for the first time in a long time I'm incredibly vulnerable to it, even though I know exactly what's going on intellectually, just because on an emotional level I'm so abjectly terrified that I'll be an inadequate mother (although I'm 100% confident I'd meet and exceed the standard as a father...)

I don't know whether you read them, but I would avoid "mummy bloggers".
Despite supposedly documenting the ups and downs of having children, they always seem to be in a better place than most of us are.

I am grateful for being autistic and a radfem. I never felt the need to conform to perfect mother stereotypes, or to respond to advertising pressures.
I avoided NCT/mother and toddler groups/the school gate etc.
I was rather isolated as a widow with two babies still in nappies, but my job provided enough social contact during the day to offset the evenings alone.
That was nearly 30 years ago, and I had no internet until the DC were in primary school.
I think mothers nowadays are under so much more pressure due to social media, competitive mothering, the obsession with presenting a perfect life on Facebook or whatever. In my day you just got on with it your own way, in privacy!

My DH stayed at home with the DC until they started school. I still felt the pressure to be a 'traditional' mum at the same time. For example, I remember many occasions where I got in from work after the DC had gone to bed and started baking cakes for school events etc. I don't know of any working fathers who felt the need to do this.

At about this time it seemed like every other mother I knew who had previously been in a professional career was starting up their own business doing something very female- using their special talents and all those transferrable skills. Eg. cake making, sewing hand made children's clothes/gifts, other crafted homewares/children's toys, children's activities (often franchised). Again, I don't know of any fathers who felt the need to give up a well paid profession to do this.