What I wish I'd known about female puberty

[ANewCreation]

Last month my youngest (tearfully) announced that she had started her period.

Her older sister and I did our best to fill her in on useful practical information, but it got me thinking about the change that female puberty makes and what she really needs to know at twelve.

medium.com/@elizamondegreen_63162/when-i-think-about-being-child-i-think-about-how-there-was-no-seam-that-i-could-detect-that-2eb772d8ced0

"When I think about being a kid, I think about how there was no seam that I could detect that indicated that my body and myself had been somehow stitched together. I ran, climbed trees, flew between the uneven bars. Everything I did, I did with my whole body.
But when puberty hit, the seams showed themselves and raveled. I went from living in my body to watching my body."

Is there any way I can help her keep the 'seams' together or do you think it is part of the nature of puberty for them to unravel?

The mental load of dealing with periods can take years to master. What it actually is to have a period, the products to use, the inconvenience and planning needed. Breasts too, what types of bras or vest tops to wear, clothes, breast tenderness etc.

I’m due on so I felt sad at that. It’s true-and so stark. Your childhood is over just like that. Doesn’t happen for boys in the same way.

Sanpro in the late 80s was awful. Leaks, smells, chafing, itching....couldn’t get tampon in properly as it hurt but if you tried to get out of swimming the PE teachers (female!!!!) weren’t having any of it!!

I didn't really have a massive issue with puberty. Periods were a bit of a faff but not especially painful and I was a bit of a late starter so I remember being relieved I could join the club as it were.

I had a lovely figure and gained strength for sport so I didn't mind that at all. I was also very popular with boys without even trying so did have the sensation I had gained a strange new power - and yes it was exciting! They were a decent cohort and I had lots of male friends in those days in quite a cohesive community so looking back there was no sense yet of the full extent of the disrespect that you get from male strangers (who, on reflection, I suppose can mentally dehumanise you more when there is no personal connection, and can outwardly treat you worse when there's no comeback).

I think spots, greasy hair and the norm to begin hair removal were the worst things.

Is there any way I can help her keep the 'seams' together or do you think it is part of the nature of puberty for them to unravel?

I am not convinced that the experiences of FWR posters in relation to this are particularly representative of girls and women generally. E.g the comment about sanpro in the 80s.

My periods started 1972/73 and sanitary protection options were not awful then. I doubt they became worse in the mid 80s.

I think one option would be to avoid the oh woe is me, it's so awful being a woman route. My recollection of periods starting is that it was something my friends and I talked about- who would be first- asking the girl who was first, what it was like and being interested and quite excited by it.

Yes - hideous 80s options! I was early 80s and I am not sure they had invented adhesive or wings!!

To me she just is such a kid still and yet all this biology seems to be suddenly impacting on her body and, as you say, it is a mental load that takes a very long time to get used to.

It's also trying to get the balance right around other people newly judging her on appearance - whether her hair is greasy or too prominent on her pale skin, whether her clothing is revealing- where she is entirely oblivious to how she looks and I think I would rather it stayed that way...

No worries, Dido, definitely no woe is me for being a woman goes on in our house - we just encourage them to be interesting and interested people!

My own mother started her period at 10 and thought she was dying as no one had ever talked to her about them. So she made sure that I was really aware of them, so much so that I was like the class expert and girls would ask me about them even though I hadn't started mine yet!

Maybe it seems different this time around because DD1 started periods in her third year of secondary school, when she was already almost as tall as me and just had a lot more life experience (and attitude!) under her belt. Plus she probably felt a bit relieved on one level that all was working as she was the last of her group to start.

Dd2 has just started secondary so just looks like a primary kid - so it feels like a different experience with her. And I am really creeped out that she might begin to get attention from male strangers now because of her developing body when she really doesn't have the strategies to deal with it and nor should she have to.

From my experience, I would say sanitary protection has much improved. Both in quality and range. With choice of different size pads of varying absorbency, much more slimline and with better adhesion. Tampons, again different sizes and more comfortable and easily used applicators.

Not to mention the option of things like the menstrual cup or period underwear which claim to be absorbent and leak-proof.

I had had 'the talk' at school, I'd read magazines, I was fully informed on my own. I was convinced (having read it said so) that period pain was psychosomatic, and I would sail through.

The actual bleeding bit, I was fine. I figured out tampons pretty easily, it was light enough that I rarely had accidents, no problems.

But the pain! I wasn't prepared, having convinced myself it was in other womens/girls heads. White as a sheet, feeling like I was being stabbed (which, now I've had kids, is exactly how my labour pains were). Luckily it only happened a few times, until they calmed down, and I was just uncomfortable.

But still - I think that actually, warning her that genuinely, it's different for every woman, that you just have to go with the flow ( :) ) and be prepared to take it as it comes is the best advice I could give - not just for periods, but for most things in life

Watching a friend with a daughter going through this (a very gender non conforming daughter who knows she's very much female and is also keen on saving the planet) they're looking at how she can manage periods with an eco vibe.

So some period pants bought. She could look on Etsy and support women working from home and get some washable period pants. She could get some quite funky ones.

There's a v cool app developed for and by the Chelsea women's football club around best training and diet through your cycle; it's supposed to have helped them reach the top of the league. I think at 12 she's a bit young though but it shows that understanding more about our bodies helps us be stronger and fitter.

I think the lack of information about the female body we had growing up was rather shit.

I was a late starter and had become grateful for not having them; I was rather upset when they came. I think it was the shock of the blood to be honest and mum was rather dismissive.

Recognising that all feelings she has are completely normal. And her body is very healthy and normal. It's weird now but she'll get used to it and be able to advise her friends.

I don't think stuff like "you're a woman now" is helpful. At 12 you're still a kid.

I remember a mum telling her daughter and me funny stories about her and her friends trying to get a tampon in (at boarding school) and actually that helped a lot (unfortunately I didn't get them for another 6 years!)

Don't buy thinx, they don't know what a woman is.

I didnt like the 'your a women now' stuff too.

Plus my mum told everyone when my older sister started and that made me cringe to think she would do that with me so I actually hid my period from her for a whole year until I was in so much pain at school they sent me home. Then I had to pretend that I had just started it.

I must be unique on Mumsnet, in that I liked my mum's reaction when I told her that I had my first period. Dm is the world's greatest drama queen, so I was nervous of telling her, but she just quietly gave me a huge hug, and congratulated me with a warm and genuine smile. It made me realise that this frightening change was actually OK. In an era when there was no sex ed, she had made sure over the preceding years that I knew what to expect and how to deal with it.

And if I'm unique, that's OK, too.

I do think that the threads of who we are and how we understand ourselves do unravel a bit with puberty. The analogy of not realising that there was a seam is perfect. How far they unravel, and how we reknit them depends on many factors. Resilience is definitely one of them.

Learning that it's OK to be you is hugely important. With the best will in the world, genuine love for me, and the desire to help me, my dm stood in the way of this by constantly telling me how I needed to be.

I have made a conscious effort not to replicate this. I do not tell my dc to tuck their tummies in and turn their toes out, for example. I do not show any dislike for certain aspects of my body. I do not burden them (at least, I try not to) with my hang-ups. I do not criticise their fashion choices. I expect the same standard of presentation from my boys and from my girls. I show interest in their ideas and choices, respect and not denigrate them. I try to disagree respectfully, not dismissively.

It seems to me that the first thing your child needs to see from you when they walk into the room, is that you are pleased to see them. Only once that is established should there be any reaction - positive or negative - to their presentation or behaviour.

This is even more import for girls, as society puts so much judgemental emphasis on their presentation and behaviour.

Of course there is more to resilience than being comfortable with the way you appear, it is just one factor.

I found puberty very easy. Maybe it happened more slowly with me?

Each child is different, but I would say to not let her see or feel that you are tense or thinking about it. My mother was very 'meh' about the whole thing, and so was I.

Someone I knew had mother who had a

Posted before I was ready ^

Someone I knew had a hippy mother who congratulated her when she started her period and who took her out to diner to celebrate that she was now a woman. Although well meaning, this is not the right approach for every girl, but they're stills girls, not women. Girls need to learn that it's just a thing their bodies have started to do, but in no way does that catapult them into being a woman mentally or physically. Girls can get pregnant yes, but even the body isn't fully developed yet to carry a baby to term. Some girls don't like a song & dance to be made about all of it.

Why did your daughter announce it tearfully? This suggests to me like she's already picked up negative ideas about it from you, her sister or her friends.

Evolution is a bit backward. Girls are starting their periods earlier and women are menopausal older due to our healthy lifestyles. This is all so the body has more time to reproduce, but generally we don't want a baby every year!
It is just biology, it can be uncomfortable as can the male gaze. But getting your period is a gift because it gives you the knowledge that one day you are likely to be able to have a baby.
I've always had painful periods and heavy and since kids I have had to have surgery. They do seem like a burden and it seems unfair when you actually only need them for a few years of baby making.
Teach her to track her cycle and any symptoms and as another poster suggested embracing healthy diet really helps.

Starting periods is one of those female experiences that many women don't discuss. When we do get into discussion, as on this thread, it's interesting to read both the differences and shared experience.

For example I started in the early 80s in my first year at secondary school. One of the first in my class. Heavy, painful periods from the off.
Sanitary protection was getting better but wasn't up to dealing with a child who is supposed to be sitting in class for hours on end, and asking to leave is frowned upon, so leakages and chaffing were 'monthly' occurrences. Dried blood on pant seams results in sore, cut thighs.

Yes I got unwanted attention from men and bullied by classmates.

Getting decent pain relief without being woosy was tricky too.
If you're a woman who has light periods without much pain then I guess it would be easier.
Personally, spending 25% of my time in agony was hard to get used to. It took 25 years to find out I had endometriosis and adenomyosis.

If your child has the same issues, then:

• Buscopan really helps with cramps
• believe her when she says it's painful
• investigate period pants etc
• try to promote an environment where she can discuss her fears / issues and support her in being strong to find her way through

To be honest, I think that the tears were more about the shock of suddenly seeing blood and that we weren't at home and she didn't have immediate access to a change of pants rather than anything more meaningful!

Loads of things to think about - thank you. She is a fantastic girl and very 'stitched together' currently so just trying to do my best to help her keep herself that way.

I think honestly jt would help girls now if some of the parents would get over themselves.

Mn seems to have a fair few ( as well as those who are the opposite obviously) parents who live by arbitrary age cut offs than by the needs of their children.

If parents are hung up on what age is appropriate fir a bra or deciding against offering period options because they "are a faff" ( with regards to reusables) or "not appropriate " ( regard to internal protection)
Then how do we expect to make it as positive an experience as physically possible when they have that to contend with.

Of course its possible to go too far the other way too. Its hard I know. But I think we need to be careful the messages we send. Make sure we don't make them feel like its the beginning of the end if their childhood.

If that makes any sense

@JellySlice

I must be unique on Mumsnet, in that I liked my mum's reaction when I told her that I had my first period. Dm is the world's greatest drama queen, so I was nervous of telling her, but she just quietly gave me a huge hug, and congratulated me with a warm and genuine smile. It made me realise that this frightening change was actually OK. In an era when there was no sex ed, she had made sure over the preceding years that I knew what to expect and how to deal with it.

And if I'm unique, that's OK, too.

I do think that the threads of who we are and how we understand ourselves do unravel a bit with puberty. The analogy of not realising that there was a seam is perfect. How far they unravel, and how we reknit them depends on many factors. Resilience is definitely one of them.

Learning that it's OK to be you is hugely important. With the best will in the world, genuine love for me, and the desire to help me, my dm stood in the way of this by constantly telling me how I needed to be.

I have made a conscious effort not to replicate this. I do not tell my dc to tuck their tummies in and turn their toes out, for example. I do not show any dislike for certain aspects of my body. I do not burden them (at least, I try not to) with my hang-ups. I do not criticise their fashion choices. I expect the same standard of presentation from my boys and from my girls. I show interest in their ideas and choices, respect and not denigrate them. I try to disagree respectfully, not dismissively.

It seems to me that the first thing your child needs to see from you when they walk into the room, is that you are pleased to see them. Only once that is established should there be any reaction - positive or negative - to their presentation or behaviour.

This is even more import for girls, as society puts so much judgemental emphasis on their presentation and behaviour.

Of course there is more to resilience than being comfortable with the way you appear, it is just one factor.

Not on topic but had to comment; I love your comment jelly slice, about”the first thing your child needs to see when they walk in the room, is that you are pleased to see them. Only once that is established should there be any reaction...to their presentation or behaviour “ A fab little gem on parenting...never heard it before 👏

I remember my first period very well, it started on a wet, grey Thursday afternoon in November, I was in history class. I cried my eyes out.
I had to use loo roll.
My mum was in hospital at the time and I only had my bitch of a sister at home and as she doesn't have periods (she has a DSD) and she wouldn't give me any money to buy any sanpro. When visiting her at the hospital, my Mum absolutely bollocked her for not giving me any money.
I can remember the shock of seeing blood in my knickers and couldn't quite believe what I was seeing. The funny thing is, although I knew about periods, I never quite believed that it would happen to ME, it was something for other girls.

I can remember the shock of seeing blood in my knickers and couldn't quite believe what I was seeing. The funny thing is, although I knew about periods, I never quite believed that it would happen to ME, it was something for other girls

This is what worries me about this erasure of language. Its perfectly normal and every girl should know its going to happen to them. And to realise that actually if it doesn't happen by 16 that might require further investigation. Something girls won't know if they are allowed to think that some people menstruate. They will assume they are amongst the people that don't.

@Whatwouldscullydo

Very good point