Being a strong women doesn’t need to mean being accommodating, but it seams to end up that way - thoughts?

[SelfindulgentRambling]

I’m having a bad morning, and just pulled this together based on something that’s been playing on my mind. I feel the need to share it somewhere. Thoughts? Does it ring true for you? Ive never written anything like this before so please be kind .......

Being a strong women doesn’t need to mean being accommodating, but it seams to end up that way.

The problem with high achieving women, is that they allow their partners to take advantage without either of them even being aware that it is happening.

High achieving women overperform, in every aspect of their lives, career, hobbies, house and parenting, and are so capable of running the show that that they end up being over accommodating and compliant without realising.

In my opinion high achieving men only have to focus on achieving in their career and their personal hobbies, you end up doing the rest.

You think that you are being ultra-organised and efficient, a strong effective woman who doesn’t take any shit and gets stuff done, an independent woman who doesn’t need any help, and doesn’t have selfish needs, because you’re the better person.

You feel empowered because you’ve created a system at home where everything gets done well to maintain a great life for the whole family.

But you aren’t empowered or independent, you’ve self-delegated – and you’re being compliant to him.

Compliant is when you organise things to appease him and the family, and you minimize your own needs to take care of theirs. *

There will come a day when you suddenly want him to recognize you have needs and wants and he won’t give it to you*, and will even see this sudden shift in behaviour as you being mean to him.

You wonder why he’s being such an asshole. But the truth is, you set it up that way. You asked for little and you got little. You acted like you needed nothing, so now you’re getting nothing.*

Instead of being compliant you need to be compatible. Compatible means you can disagree openly, you can respect his different needs and wants and you expect him to respect yours as well. *

And we need to be more selfish and less like martyrs.

• I stole some of this wording from, “Dear Women: Stop Being So Damn Accommodating” By Kitten Holiday, June 2nd 2017

Some of this is relates to a very conscientiousness type which , when mixed in with traditional expectations of what women will do around the home might not work out in the long run when they realise that is simply wasn't worth all the effort. It's not really about being compliant. It's about one person pulling the cart harder in the relationship than the other and not seeing it. It's about not making enough demands. About being in a relationship with a man who might deliberately sabotage tasks if you expect them to do their fair share.

I get you. It took lockdown for me to see (albeit 3 months in) to see how unfair our division of labour/leisure is at home. Now I've positioned it as a fairness issue - we do similar hours and are long term working from home with children at school, we should revisit who does what. Slow progress. Jobs are done badly, asking me what needs to be done instead of just doing it, "you're just better at this than me". Partly, it's socialisation on both sides and expectations of me from his family also influence him. (I enjoy telling DMIL how I won't be working p/t now the children are at school and seeing her quizzical look over why I won't be using my 'free day' to clean the house).

It's a really tough one to fix. I'm trying not to be angry and just trying to stop being so helpful/proactive. It's really hard and feels like I'm being rude or difficult but actually I'm just mirroring his behaviour.

@EarthSight I don't even think men do deliberately sabotage, I think it's just completely subconscious behaviour with a bit of make ego/patriarchy/social conditioning built in. Deliberate sabotage is the next level up and I would find that unforgivable.

Your op made me think of this
www.welcometothejungle.com/en/articles/how-to-tell-if-you-re-an-insecure-overachiever

I think a woman who overachieves due to low self esteem is going to be a magnet for narcissists, cocklodgers and otherwise abusive men. Because she will wear herself out making everything "perfect".

The problem with the position you are taking now is you are making his behaviour your problem.
I think its far more likely your DH is the kind of man who never would take your needs into account, but you overlooked that. Rather than he behaves like that because of you.

@EarthSight

Some of this is relates to a very conscientiousness type which , when mixed in with traditional expectations of what women will do around the home might not work out in the long run when they realise that is simply wasn't worth all the effort. It's not really about being compliant. It's about one person pulling the cart harder in the relationship than the other and not seeing it. It's about not making enough demands. About being in a relationship with a man who might deliberately sabotage tasks if you expect them to do their fair share.

Totally agree with this.

Over time, I have been getting better and better at making more demands. I have little tolerance for someone sitting on his arse while I run around doing stuff for the household. It doesn't happen often these days. If it does, I point it out and arse is lifted from seat pronto!

Also, I really don't mind 'lowering my standards' sometimes. A streaky floor is better than pent-up resentment is my motto!

That's a great article @QuentinWinters

My two pennorth for what its worth... I'd give up on being less proactive/helpful. (Been there). My standards are pretty low but it would get beyond my stress point and I'd end up doing it all anyway. Then feel resentful and stressed. I would point it out calmly that you do x, y, z and as he only does xx you would like him to do more. What tasks does he want to do? And be prepared to repeat it multiple times. Never get angry as he will dismiss it as you being aggressive. But you are not on this earth to take on all the house management and domestic tasks while he gets to relax. Ask him if it's fair. I've also tried reframing it in my own mind that these are not my responsibilities but household ones.

Never get angry as he will dismiss it as you being aggressive

I disagree with this. Anger and aggression are not the same thing. Plus who is this 'he' to dismiss me anyway? Sometimes you need to get angry to be taken seriously.

I'd end up doing it all anyway. Don't. Ask him to do it properly.

You do realise many pretend to be useless. Other are just entitled. Some really are useless. None of those is an excluse not to pull your weight.

Oh, totally agree. For both points.

I'm not good with words so I take the no anger route to leave no room for arguing back. If I'm completely reasonable and in control of myself, how can he say no?

On mirroring his behaviour, I find that he won't proactively do what's piling up without asking. So it's best to meet it head on with verbalised expectations.

I wrote out how many hours I was doing of work and household stuff and how many hours he did and asked him directly why it was fair that he had so much more free time than me. We then made changes. He is happy to cook, wash, iron etc. We have sons and it is good that they see this.