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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Can’t work out how I feel about this

31 replies

Doryhunky · 20/09/2020 04:53

I live alone with my two children, one a young teen. I am looking for a lodger and don’t feel comfortable sharing my home with a man. I feel bad because some of them seem perfectly fine from their ad. I guess this is a bit of an AIBU but my gut says no.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 20/09/2020 04:55

Completely understandable, I wouldn't want to share my home with a man I dont know from Adam either. I would feel much safer with a woman, that's because statistically, we ARE much safer with a woman

DeliciouslyFemale · 20/09/2020 04:59

It’s not your job to make men feel accepted or to prove that NAMALT. There will be enough women in their lives doing that. Your job is to keep you and your family safe. You decrease your risk of comfort and safety by having a strange man in your house, even if it is by a small percent. Stop thinking that you have to be a support human for men.

user1464552773 · 20/09/2020 04:59

YANBU at all. You would feel safer with a woman because you would be safer.

joystir59 · 20/09/2020 05:10

I would not have a man live in my home, not even a close friend that I have known and loved for many years let alone a stranger

KihoBebiluPute · 20/09/2020 05:13

yanbu at all. having a lodger is challenging at best, there is nothing wrong with narrowing down the categories of people that you feel comfortable about allowing to live in your home. this is not a case where you should be equally willing to accept any of the 7 billion people on the planet with no preference. this is your home and the person who moves in will have a massive impact on your life. obviously simply being a woman rather than a man doesn't guarantee a good experience but it massively reduces some of the risks inherent in moving in a stranger into your home.

BlackWaveComing · 20/09/2020 05:19

You are statistically safer having a woman as a lodger. Don't feel bad about it; it's a sensible decision.

Doryhunky · 20/09/2020 06:58

Thanks for the helpful replies.

OP posts:
NonnyMouse1337 · 20/09/2020 07:58

It's your home and your right to decide who you share it with. You have children, therefore it's even more important to ensure safety and security. Women are statistically a much safer bet than men. It's still important to assess any potential lodger as carefully as possible, but nothing wrong in wanting only women to share your home with.

Siameasy · 20/09/2020 08:00

God I wouldn’t even consider having a man

MsTSwift · 20/09/2020 08:01

We used to pre Covid host international foreign students we have 2 girls ourselves and dh absolute rule is we host girls only. Their room next our dds on top floor. Not happening.

TorkTorkBam · 20/09/2020 10:50

Leaving aside the massive issue of safety, there is also comfort and dignity. I would feel I had to apply more rules to myself about proper appearance more like I'd apply if I were leaving the house (like no tops for slobbing round that are a bit too big and sometimes can show a bit of side boob, think twice about short pyjama shorts).

I also have a thing about cleaning up after men. So whatever extra work were created by having a male lodger would irritate me more than the same work caused by a female lodger. Probably wrong of me but it would spoil my day.

Again on sexual politics, having to tell a man to please tidy up if he's left the shared kitchen in a state, feels different to telling a woman. You get into the politics of expectations and nagging.

Tbh I could do without it and if I had a decent female applying I'd probably take her as a result.

I say to myself one day it could be my lovely sons having trouble finding a place so am I being awful? Then I think, no, there are plenty of men who need lodgers too and women who aren't as bothered as me. Also a woman I definitely had less choice than the men when I was looking for houseshares when young. So so many places where I was like fuck no, I am not sharing with those dickheads or having that landlord anywhere near me. Viewings were always done with a friend and we fairly often found ourselves doing the signal of that's a no, let's get out of here quickly and quietly no fuss

So on balance I say go ahead and take females only without feeling bad.

greyinganddecaying · 20/09/2020 12:11

Does anyone know if there's an issue with advertising for "women only" in this case? I would have thought/hoped not as this person is living in their home, but I know it's not allowed in other contexts such as job descriptions, etc

CatsFantastic · 20/09/2020 12:16

We really need to stop teaching women to ignore our boundaries in order to ‘be kind’. Just ask yourself who that benefits.

OP statistics tell us that you will be safer with a woman. Your own subconscious is telling you that you will be safer with a woman.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/09/2020 12:28

So say 'women only' in your advert. Simple.

I'm surprised you even have to think about this.

You may get a few stroppy men contacting you - to prove their personal self-selecting undesirable status. Ignore them.

Sexnotgender · 20/09/2020 12:30

YANBU. Your first and only priority is the safety of you and your children.

Absolutely only rent to a woman.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/09/2020 12:53

I'd add, I'm interested in your 'feeling bad', because if that's for yourself, as you might be missing out on a really nice lodger that happens to be male, that's one thing.

But, as you say, you wouldn't feel comfortable with a man in your home, so you wouldn't actually be missing out.

They're not stray cats though. Feeling sorry for them and wanting to adopt them isn't rational or relevant.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 20/09/2020 17:54

You would feel safer with a woman because you would be safer.

Simple and true.

ArabellaScott · 20/09/2020 18:52

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of it.

Wandawomble · 20/09/2020 19:43

Female tenant only is what I would say and when I’ve rented out it’s only been to women. You don’t have to justify anything. You are safer with a female tenant.

moofolk · 20/09/2020 19:45

It is absolutely fine to only let go a woman

Doryhunky · 20/09/2020 19:48

Thank you

OP posts:
sawdustformypony · 20/09/2020 19:50

There’s no need to discuss why you want a woman as a lodger let alone feel the need to justify it

NiceGerbil · 20/09/2020 20:28

Is it legal to advertise for female only?

I mean I have no idea but op should check before doing so probably.

lottiegarbanzo · 20/09/2020 21:35

Of course it's legal. Her home is not a business, it's her home.

NiceGerbil · 20/09/2020 21:42

That's good then