Resources for young lesbian

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DD1 is 12; she has just come out as a lesbian. She is very literate and reads huge amounts of fiction and non-fiction. She is also very IT literate but doesn’t have a smart phone or any social media, with the exception of a Scratch account, and doesn’t watch YouTube. But she did mention having done some online research to find out what’s ‘normal’ in terms of having crushes on girls etc. She has an ASD diagnosis. She and I have always talked about feminist issues, including gender ideology - she’s still at the stage where her views are largely influenced by mine.

Can anyone suggest any good sources of information or good examples of (early) teen fiction, films etc? Thank you!

(Sorry if this sounds unduly clinical - I wanted to give a sense of the kinds of information that might be relevant to her, and also of why I have some concerns about information sources she may otherwise access. I can certainly do a full-on gush about her utter amazingness if anyone finds me cold and unmaternal.)

I’m waiting for someone sensible to reply properly. One thing I’d say is that it can be reassuring for a 12 year old to know that not everyone needs to couple up, at 12 or ever. My dd ate up stories of Jane Austen choosing to live with her sister, that at university I shared with platonic friends, etc. At 12 her view of society is so very skewed...

May not be suitable for your 12 year old, but the Lesbian Rights Alliance are setting up a new project:

"The project will provide young women with the space to discuss
the lesbian experience in a safe, supportive and non-judgemental environment.
This project was created by young lesbians in the Lesbian Rights Alliance, a lesbian only organisation standing up for the rights of lesbians."

They might be able to point you in the right direction in terms of films and fiction if you drop them a line.

lesbianalliance.org.uk

Rose and Rosie on YouTube are great lesbian role models.

She is probably old enough to enjoy Sarah Waters books. Tipping the Velvet and Fingersmith are good.

Rose and Rosie are lovely, if I remember correctly. I'd hold off on the Sarah Waters books until she's a bit older, personally. If she's only twelve and still in the crush stage, they're a bit full on. Massive amounts of swearing and quite a bit of sex, especially in Tipping the Velvet, which sees one of the main characters become a prostitute in Victorian London. She's having anal sex with men so they won't know she's a girl. The whole thing could raise a lot of questions your daughter isn't mature enough to engage with yet. They're interesting books but not really suitable reading yet.

Honestly, I would recommend going on as before. Make sure she's comfortable talking about her crushes, but let her know there's no rush to date or figure this stuff out. Her generation are very into micro-labelling every facet of their identity and she may feel pressure to declare herself as something. But if she's still in the "googling to see what's normal" phase, I would really advise taking it slow and just letting her see how her feelings evolve. She may be gay. She may be bisexual. She may not be either. The truth is a support group can't give you those answers, and nor can the internet. They're something you come to in your own time, as you go through your life and start to notice how you feel about people and what your desires are. Some people know at 12, and some people still don't know at forty.

As a loving mum I think the best thing you could do for your daughter is make sure she knows you love her regardless. Make sure she knows it's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to take her time. And in the meantime, her sexuality does not define her.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is treat it like no big deal, and keep your primary focus on her as a whole person. Keep up with her other hobbies and interests and don't treat her any differently. If she starts to struggle, by all means look into additional supports. But being gay doesn't have to be an issue or a hardship. Your daughter could come through this quite happily. I get the urge not to screw this up, but it sounds like you're doing fine so far.

It's hard to know what to recommend to a 12 year old. I'm a bit out of the loop on what their generation is into!

The YouTube web series Carmilla is good. There is some brief mention of sex, but nothing explicit, it's very PG. There's also a non-binary character who is a bit annoying and soap-boxy about it. But it might be something you could overlook, or have an interesting conversation about. The rest of the show is very good. "My roommate's a vampire", basically, and they fight monsters. (Offscreen.)

Imagine Me and You is a nice rom com too, about a woman who falls in love with the florist she meets on her wedding day.

I hear good things about The Half Of It, too, but I haven't seen that yet.

Thank you - useful suggestions here. I love Sarah Waters but might hold off on those for a bit, she’s quite innocent really! She’s already read and enjoyed Things a Bright Girl Can Do and the Murder Most Unladylike series. I’ve added a few teen fictiony type things to my kindle but I’ll read them myself before adding them to her library.

I absolutely agree contactusdeletus about trying not to focus on it too much - I think for her telling us has been a pretty big deal (much bigger for her than for us!) so I’m trying to find the balance between making her feel that it’s been fully acknowledged and embraced, but without over-emphasising this one aspect of her. She’s really happy she told us though and wants to tell some other close family members - she’s having a think about how she wants to do that and whether she’d like some support with it when the time comes.

Thanks again - I’ll have a look at Rose and Rosie, I’m not sure if I can face a soap-boxy NB though so might have to psych myself up for Carmilla!