ROGD - how do you cope?

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Basically.

How do you cope when a teen family member goes full ROGD? It's happening to me right now and I'm honestly not sure how much more of this I can take.

Not my child, so what I can actually do to control the situation is limited. There is just so much I hate about this. The fear for him is top of the list, but it's also getting harder and harder to be around him. I just can't take the constant self-deception, the rewriting of his childhood to fit a trans narrative, and the constant, low-level emotional manipulation. I feel like I'm being guilt-tripped at every turn. Every conversation feels like an attempt to get me to pity him, then give the correct, affirmative, love-bomb response. I know I should rise above it, but I hate the way he's treating me. I hate the side of him this is bringing out, and I can't enjoy spending time with him anymore.

I know he's in the thick of it right now and I'm hoping this will pass. But it's a hard line to walk and I can feel it taking a toll on my mental health too. Would really appreciate any coping strategies

The full sentence by ANewCreation was:

“As parents, we are more than aware of the bullying, the ASD, the AD(H)D, the other mental health issues and life stresses that have already made life difficult for these kids.”

That is not implying ASD or ADHD are mental health issues. It is saying their child has mental health issues as well as ASD, AD(H)D, and has been bullied. I would write pretty much the identical sentence about my DD (minus the ADHD). It’s shorthand for the often complex backgrounds of these adolescents.

OP- while the parents are affirming there’s probably not that much you can do, but if he is actively bringing up the topic, I would listen and ask “why, why, why” to get him to think deeper and deeper. A lot of his statements and answers are probably very surface level. Arguing or disputing his point of view won’t help. Be neutral in your position and try to get him to articulate the hows and whys about his feelings.

As parents, we are more than aware of the bullying, the ASD, the AD(H)D, the other mental health issues that have already made life difficult for these kids. They have enough on their plate already.

Sorry, JanMeyer, I did not mean to offend.

By 'other mental health issues' I meant the depression, anxiety, ED frequently seen by the Tavistock Gender Identity Clinic as co-morbid with gender dysphoria.

Having said that, it's difficult to unpack the compound effect of negative life experiences/ neurodevelopmental conditions/ mental health issues on a newly expressed teen trans identity.

@ANewCreation Our experiences don't match 100%, but your advice is really helpful regardless. Especially what you say about self care, and what @BlackWaveComing said upthread. The stress is really getting to me and I haven't been putting my own oxygen mask on first. I feel as if I'm the only one who can see the risks in this, I feel like I can't reach him and I feel really emotionally drained too. His sleeping habits are appalling. I get woken up by text messages in the middle of the night listing off all the things he hates about his body or copy-and-pasting trans discourse from Twitter or Tumblr. I need to start saying no and leaving this stuff until the morning, but it's hard. This is how the whole movement emotionally manipulates you. The threat of suicide or self-harm is this constant unspoken element in every interaction. You feel terrified if you don't respond right away, and terrified of saying the wrong thing. It's horrendous. I can only imagine how much worse it must be for parents.

I'm coming at this from a perspective of knowing the toll the obsession can take on those trying to keep the young person safe

Trust me, you are no good .to young person when broken and worn to bits by the dynamic.

It is ok to say 'I'll be back, but right now I need to step away from this conversation.'

YP is not getting an opportunity for real social feedback if all consequence to his browbeating of you is absent. You are a person too. You are not a blank screen for him to project his obsessions,needs and fears.

We are that for very small children as they rage and tantrum - for a short period of time. It's appropriate that we become more assertive of our own personhood as children grow.

Stepping away is not abandoning.

Neither you nor his parents can 'save him'. Especially you, when you don't have the limited power parents do. Even parents can only delay irreversible changes under their watch.

This will play itself out, or it won't. Either way, it sounds like your commitment is to the long haul - looking after yourself now does not destroy or risk losing all.

(I'd think about it from a feminist pov too - no woman should be expected to be the all patient facilitator of a male and yes, even an autistic ROGD male. Gentle assertions of personhood in face of this demand to - well, submit to his pov - provides YP a model of relationship he can hopefully learn from. All teens/YP need the opportunity to see assertion of the other in action, learn it isn't the end of the world, incorporate it into their own skill set, before they go out and make others in their lives miserable).

It's ok to look after yourself too. The cliche is your oxygen mask on first.

Turn off you rnotifications at night would be my first step. You can communicate this to YP. 'Hey, just so you know if I don't message you back till morning, I've been sleeping really badly and so I need to switch my phone off at night for a couple of weeks till I get my sleep cycle back on track.'

You cannot live your life under the fear of suicide. Unrelated to ROGD, one of mine struggles with suicidality. I have had to comes to terms with this and still live my life. Of course, we make sure she has appropriate psych support.

Give YP crisis numbers/lines in case you are not available. Encourage him to use them. Say, I love you but I'm not trained to deal with suicidal feelings - these people are.

Is YP receiving mental health support?

You will make yourself sick if you live according to fear of self harm or a suicide attempt. Do not allow yourself to be an extra casualty of ROGD.

Good grief. Reading his backstory, the immediate simplistic thought I jumped to was, "Sounds like he's desperate to get his mum to like him."

(Also, simplistic thought #2: his mum sounds a bit unhinged.)

What an awful, awful situation. and for all your kindness in trying to provide a lifeline.

I don’t have any experience of dealing with gender distressed boys, only girls.

Lots of open ended questions and trying to get him away from the computer as much as possible - he’s probably playing all his games with female avatars and possibly consuming lots of online porn (lots of it is animated so might not be particularly noticeable to a less than eagle eyed parent).

I would casually find a way to offer to put some parental controls on the gaming equipment/WiFi box. If his parent is affirming you can offer this without bringing up the trans topic it all - make it about keeping him away from pro suicide/self harm sites (which is genuinely important too).