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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

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Original poster

Calm down snowflake it was just a joke

21 replies

Turniptracker · 16/08/2020 22:05

I apologise if this isn't the right space to ask this. I just wondered if anyone has an appropriate response to the "it was just joke!" line when people are defending jokes or memes that perpetuate sexism and you highlight that flagrant sexism to them? Any ideas would be most welcome!

OP posts:

OhHolyJesus · 16/08/2020 22:21

Something about what they think is funny says more about them than it does about you?

PotholeParadise · 16/08/2020 22:28

'Can you explain the joke?'

VirginiaComet · 17/08/2020 11:28

@PotholeParadise

'Can you explain the joke?'

This! My wife (works in a heavily male workplace) just stares people out and asks them to explain why it's funny. They usually can't defend themselves.

ErrolTheDragon · 17/08/2020 11:34

When my DD was a teenager she told me she used the "can you explain that to me" if there were "jokes" which were racist, homophobic or sexist. She reckoned it worked very well, though she was dealing with her schoolmates not blokes.

Another line, especially if someone trots out the tired "no sense of humour" line is "I've got an excellent sense of humour, thanks, it enables me to tell if something is actually funny or not".

queenofknives · 17/08/2020 11:41

Yep, I usually ask why it's funny. "I don't get it, can you explain it to me?" It puts them on the spot. They can't very well answer, well it's funny because women are bitches, right? If they try to explain, just keep asking. "Okay, but why is that funny?" Just act like you don't understand at all, rather than showing that you're upset/annoyed/offended. It puts the pressure right back on them.

Tanith · 17/08/2020 11:50

It's a joke if both parties laugh.

If only one side finds it funny, it's an embarrassment best ignored.

CharlieParley · 17/08/2020 12:09

@Tanith

It's a joke if both parties laugh.

If only one side finds it funny, it's an embarrassment best ignored.

Ha! I'm stealing that for my DH.

merrytombombadil · 17/08/2020 12:42

There's a thing called belief persistence where if you tell people they are wrong it just makes them believe it more (no matter how indefensible) - the only defence against it, as others have said, is not to attack but to ask them to explain why they believe that thing and therefore make them justify their position (But in a neutral way- don't tell them they are wrong, ask them to explain why they are right). I also like to point out that snowflake is just a synonym for crybaby and I'd prefer them to call me crybaby if that's what they really think, so I know where I stand.

merrytombombadil · 17/08/2020 12:50

Sorry, belief perseverance

Original poster

Turniptracker · 17/08/2020 18:27

Interesting comments! Thank you. I will try asking for an explanation next time. I just hate when people try to shut you down by dismissing you with comments like that, or just rolling their eyes or "here we go" bullshit. As I get older I'm less inclined to just let things slide anymore, I feel I owe it to my gender to stand up for us!

OP posts:

Wanderingstars4238 · 17/08/2020 18:47

Have some handy "jokes" about men ready you can say in return then ask if they find THOSE jokes funny. Here are some:

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

It doesn't matter how good looking or charming a man is, some woman out there is sick and tired if his bullshit.

I can't remember any others right now. I'm sure you can find much more vicious ones online that most men would find offensive.

Firefretted · 17/08/2020 19:08

If you're feeling more confrontational: the fact that it's a joke doesn't negate the fact that it's got a nasty message at its heart - it just allows you to feel less of a shit person for saying it

TheFnozwhowasmirage · 17/08/2020 19:15

My 16year old daughter did the 'I don't understand,can you explain why it's funny',response to a sexist meme. The guy did the whole,'you've got no sense of humour' thing,but she persisted. Sadly, I didn't get to read all the finer details of the conversation, because we had to go out,and when we got back, he'd deleted the whole conversation. I told her it was the equivalent of him getting into a strop and taking his ball home,and that I was proud of her. I must have taught her well.

testing987654321 · 17/08/2020 19:18

The asking for an explanation is a good strategy. I used to use that on students at school who were trying to embarrass me by making a sexual reference. A blank "what do you mean?" usually resulted in a red-faced "nothing".

Other than that I just announce that I don't have a sense of humour. That seems to confuse people as it's so uncool.

Suffrajester · 17/08/2020 19:20

I generally let other people set the tone of the conversation, so I respond in kind, making rude jokes about men or turning the joke around to be at their expense. It got me in trouble at work once, years ago, though, a very senior manager who could dish it out but couldnae take it: I was tidying up after a meeting and he said "haha it's good to see a woman cleaning up, best thing for them", I just thought it was banter, so I said, "haha yeah, I'm good at cleaning, because every time your wife comes over I have to change the sheets". Expected him to laugh along, but he got really shirty with me! I wouldn't have made a joke like that if I didn't expect a joke back, I sometimes tease colleagues but only if we're the same rank and know each other well enough to know if it'll be well received, and never in front of customers or strangers, and always stop if they aren't in the mood. I thought that was just the basic rules for it, but some men are just rude and disregard them.
If you don't want to risk getting in trouble by being rude back, I'd go for the " I don't get it, can you explain?" route like others have suggested. They'll end up saying something like "oh well you see it's because women are stupid", and then you can laugh at them for that or show them up.

SheWhoMustNotBeHeard · 17/08/2020 19:30

Suffrajester. What you said to him was very funny!

Suffrajester · 19/08/2020 10:51

Haha thanks, I like banter with colleagues like that, but like I say, only if everyone's allowed to give it back and only if everyone stops if one person's not okay with it (including anyone listening). You can't have an environment where one person can talk to junior staff like that and they can't talk back to him. I wouldn't talk to anyone junior to me like that at all unless they said it first, the difference in authority makes it difficult for them to feel they can talk back, even if personally I'm okay with it. It's a shame because I like to joke around at work but only if it'll be well received - men like that just do it to throw their weight around and not to actually have fun and camaraderie with colleagues on the same level. They don't banter responsibly and it makes it all look bad. As a rule if they can't do it right they shouldn't try and should just be professional.

NotHotPot · 19/08/2020 12:02

It happened to me on here this week. A poster suggested a group of people ‘should be put down’ and when I challenged it said I was taking a figure of speech to heart.

I just left it as I had no desire for a bunfight, but it’s handy to see the tactics other people have used successfully.

FloresTorres · 19/08/2020 13:57

"haha yeah, I'm good at cleaning, because every time your wife comes over I have to change the sheets".
Genius, a corker of a reply.

SonEtLumiere · 19/08/2020 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nepeta · 20/08/2020 03:22

@Wanderingstars4238

Have some handy "jokes" about men ready you can say in return then ask if they find THOSE jokes funny. Here are some:

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

It doesn't matter how good looking or charming a man is, some woman out there is sick and tired if his bullshit.

I can't remember any others right now. I'm sure you can find much more vicious ones online that most men would find offensive.

I have used some very mild jokes of that kind as a response when the situation allows it. They work. I also have an archive of objectified pictures of men which I post when male posters on some chat site, unrelated to sex, start posting similar pictures of women.

This seems to work quite well on the principle what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

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