A rant that I couldn't find a better home for

[TyroSaysMeow]

AIBU to think we're led to believe there's a social contract, but it's a lie?

Caveat: I might be a bit pissed, but in vino veritas, et al.

We're supposed to look after the buggers, and do everything we can, and sacrifice ourselves in the name of making sure they're alright, and in return they're supposed to make sure we're alright, and look after us - the social contract we buy into is we look after and so they look after us - but it doesn't work that way, does it?

We look after them, but when we're not okay they just smile and nod and hope that when we sober up we'll go back to being good little support humans.

The thing we buy into, the social contract, is - we'll look after them, we'll do the shitwork, we'll make sure everything is okay and hunky-dory in their lives, and in return they are supposed to look after us, and keep us safe. This is the social contract we are expected to buy into, as women.

But I'm not being kept safe. Because every time I do my woman's duty of looking after the menfolk in my life, I'm forced not just to listen to the sounds of the deaf-and-dumb paedophile, I also have to pretend I can't hear him.

Because if I acknowledge I can hear him, it's an acknowledgement that they - my menfolk - have failed in their half of the social contract. They have failed in protecting me; they have failed in their duty; they have failed as men; and it hurts them to realise this...

And so I have to lie.

Every time, I have to lie. I have to pretend I can't hear him. I have to pretend he's not there. I have to pretend I can't hear the calling sound of the paedophile, because if I acknowledge it they feel bad that it's there.

He still lives next door to my dad. My dad, who decided that he wouldn't be chased away by some monster, so he'd stay right where he was and to hell with how bad the paedophile felt having to see him every day - with nary a thought for how his daughters might feel having to see and hear their abuser every time they visited.

It's been twenty five years since I saw my sister say "no" and realised that I too could refuse to go along with what he wanted. It's been eighteen years since the violent response of a man to my disclosure forced me to go the police. And still, every time I do my familial duty, and look after my menfolk, I have to hear him, making his deaf-and-dumb grunting noise with which he used to call us forth to fellate him.

But it's me who has a problem. Me who can't hold my drink, gets maudlin, gets rowdy and argumentative and stroppy, me who turns into a right irritable shitty little bitch who needs to stop drinking and shut up. Me who needs to stop drinking because every time I drink and hear the paedophile - because he's right fucking there just a couple of dozen feet away - me who needs to stop drinking because I get angry and they can't cope.

Why is it my fault that I can't get over being forced to fellate him when I was two years old? Why is it my fault that I can't shut up and get over it and forget all about the first memory I have being that of being raped? Why is it me who's characterised as unable to hold her drink when they give me booze in his presence and expect me not to notice?

Why do they think they're doing their manly duty by tolerating me and kindly telling me to shut up, when they're failing in their half of their social contract?

They are supposed to protect us from this shit. That's their half of the bargain. And yet eighteen years down the line they're still pretending there's nothing they can do and so there's nothing happening and nothing to hear and nothing going on except me being unfortunately and inexplicably nuts.

I don't know why I'm posting, except I need to speak and be heard, because no matter how loud I scream no one can hear me.

It's FWR; women's voices matter. Here's a woman's voice, desperately screaming for a good couple of decades now, yet they cannot hear. All they can do is wait for sobriety and the swallowing of the rage.

They're good men, and yet they cannot see what they're doing to me when they expect me to pretend my abuser doesn't exist.

The judicial system didn't help - community rehabilitation my fucking arse - so where do I go from here?

AIBU to think the idea that they'll protect us in exchange for us looking after them is a massive fucking lie?

The trouble with anger is I seem to be stuck in it. Difficult to move on when you're forced to hear your abuser week after week. And particularly frustrating that I'm generally seen as the one at fault for not having got over it all when I'm not actually being facilitated to do so at all.

They said moving away would be letting the paedophile win, so they stayed put - I don't know who's winning in that situation but it's sure as shit not me.

Thanks all for the Dr Taylor recommendations - I've been following her for a while and her take on things is incredibly valuable. Survivors might have a bit more of a chance if MH professionals as a class shared her analysis. Unfortunately what help there is is very much tailored to teaching us how to quietly internalise everything without letting on that we're breaking.

I don't usually resort to alcohol as a coping mechanism these days - it doesn't help in the long run and the hangovers are hell - but sometimes things throw me enough that there feels like no other option.

Dontbeme I'm sorry you've been put through this shit too.

It's a rare thing to get acknowledgement rather than violent rage or total silence from men on this topic. Could do with more of that in real life! But it's usually just "I dunno what to say" or else "I'm going to kill him myself right now" - because what survivors clearly really need to heal is a whacking great dollop of guilt about landing our loved ones in prison.

I understand your reference to the 'contract'. (Not sure I agree with the contract, but that's irrelevant, I recognise it's existence).

You said there is no one else to do the shopping. That's irrelevant. That's not your problem.

Your first responsibility is to protect yourself from constant trauma. Nothing else is as important as that.

IF you wanted to explain to your brother, point out it's like they are expecting an army vet with PTSD to help with a fireworks display. It's totally unreasonable. They may get that explanation because it's based on a man thing. Tell them knowing he is near, going there, is like swimming in a shark tank. And then NEVER GO THERE AGAIN.

Please put yourself first.

Tyro,
are you "stuck in anger" because you feel that you cant stand up for yourself?

Everything you've said seems utterly logical to me.

You were badly let down as a child.
Instead of recognising that, saying sorry, and doing everything to fix it, your (male) family are saying "oh that's awful, but you should be over that now".
So, it's completely logical to continue to be angry.

Why are you waiting for acknowledgement of the betrayal/hurt/damage/lost opportunities?

It may never come.
That's their problem.

I’m cognisant of the fact that there are men who like to engage with abuse victims online because they get off on hearing details of abuse, because of course there are, and that’s apparently where we’re at. I really do despair sometimes.

As such I’m loathe to facilitate creating an environment where that may happen, so I’d like to limit my engagement on this thread, but just because you are angry today doesn’t mean you are going to be angry tomorrow. You have had your emotions proscribed by everyone else’s preferences but your own, when in truth you are the most important person in the equation. You are entitled to feel what you feel and to deal with that and heal entirely on your own terms. For what it’s worth I admire your strength.

When you put it like that, Earl, I'm suddenly remembering the line in the first HP book about it being harder to stand up to one's friends than one's enemies.

There doesn't seem to be a way forward if people who are supposed to be on my team (as it were) can't acknowledge their own part in my utter failure at this healing business. Except of course by jettisoning part of said team, which is a drastic and terrifying prospect (and didn't even work when I tried it because I crumbled under the pressure my dad was putting on my siblings to get me to revert to pretending everything was fine).

Hope says there must be words that will actually be heard, if only I could find them. Been lurking on the relationships board long enough to see the folly in that line of thinking though.

It is impossible to feel 'fine'about child abuse. This is written in your story and the fact that you were not fully supported and protected and continue to be unsupported makes your healing an impossible task.

Unfortunately you cannot make your family behave better and the fact that they cannot see your raving and shouting and drinking as a way of telling them at 100 decibels that you are far from fine about this is an impossible hill to climb.

How is your sister about all of this? Does she visit your family?

I understand about mental health support and the fact that talking can only do so much and I hate the fact that blame is laid at your door for not engaging properly and that the tools available as an inpatient are ineffectual because the hurt will not go away while you are faced to be in close proximity to the person who abused you.

I wish I knew of a magic button to help.

Do you see them anywhere except there?

Have you asked your brothers if they will force their wives and daughters to walk among wolves? Ask them why they think it's ok to force you to retraumatise yourself, for their convenience?

Do you find it easier to communicate in writing, where you could do it a sentence or two at a time, as and when they respond?

I think it may be part of the minimising of abuse, that you just get over it, it doesn't really do any harm.

Have you told them they are useless menfolk who didn't only leave you vulnerable as a child but expose you to continual abuse now?

I hear you. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I developed PTSD for other reasons. I have likewise encountered specialised trauma focused services who rushed me to pretend the traumas I experienced did not make daily uncontrollable intrusions into my life, or to just mask the effects better. Some of them seemed completely clueless. The one psychologist who didn't take that approach was the one who actually took the time to help me process what had happened and make it a memory of the past instead of an eternal now.

A friend who works as a therapist recommended I read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery which I found quite powerful. (www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/44171.Judith_Lewis_Herman for a selection of quotes that give a flavour).

I am so sorry that this happened to you, and that the people in your life who should have protected you as a child (and had your back as an adult in the way that you have had theirs) did not do so.

Tyro,
I am not patronising you when I say this, though it may appear so through the medium of a screen.

You are incredibly strong to have dealt with the abuse that you've experienced, and to have done it without support from the very people who's duty it was to protect you.

Abusers are wonderfully, exquisitely expert at picking a target.
You were probably picked precisely because the abuser would have noted that your family were not the "rock the boat" kind, who would have said (exactly as your brother has") "it'll be fine".

It is far far harder to stand up to family than anyone else.

"There doesn't seem to be a way forward if people who are supposed to be on my team can't acknowledge their own part in my utter failure at this healing business"

Your family cannot acknowledge it- possibly the guilt would be overwhelming.
I cannot imagine the guilt of having exposed my child to CSA. I suspect I might even react as your father has.
I would hope not, but who knows until they are in the situation?

So, if they cant acknowledge it, and the signs are that they haven't and wont, what will you do then?

"Hope says there must be words that will actually be heard, if only I could find them."

Ah, my dear, I wish I could give you a hug.
You may feel that the failure is on your part, failing to find the right words to express what's happening.
When the failure is on the part of the people who should be listening (family and professionals).

What about hanging on to the Hope that you can heal yourself?
What about putting yourself first?
Hope might be at the end of a different road to the one that you are on.

My sister escaped to far enough away that visits are rare; I wish it were practical for me to do the same.

Credit where it's due, I can talk to my brother about anything and he listens and takes note. But I find it very difficult to get out more than a sentence about any of this with my dad before his sense of guilt comes into play. Siblings won't intercede at all on that one.

And I really didn't do myself any favours by reassuring my dad all those years ago that it wasn't his fault - led by sister, wouldn't have done so otherwise - Why must disclosures of abuse become all about managing the feelings of the men who're hearing about it? It's utterly infuriating.

Start putting yourself first, please don't go back to that street.

"Why must disclosures of abuse become all about managing the feelings of the men who're hearing about it?"

Absolutely. I'm really impressed at your ability to analyse all this stuff. And you wer right to post it here, it is a feminist issue. Don't listen to anyone that says you aren't engaging properly or being the right sort of recovering victim.

You don't have to speak to your Father about it. Just don't go. Your brother can explain why you aren't there. Really, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to hear it- he doesn't have to. You can't control his feelings, behaviour or thinking. Just your own. Step away. Write him a letter if you want to- Dad, I'll meet you elsewhere but I will never go back there. I cannot go back there.

Have you tried EMDR?

Perhaps you felt at the time it wasn't your dad's fault, but right now, he is making all the wrong decisions and it's hurting you, I'm so sorry what's happened to you.
I had a substance abuse problem and it's hard, I had to let a lot of people go to get to where I am now, including the person I thought was the love of my life.
A PP was right earlier, the person who needs to love you the most right now is you.
I believe in you, if noone has ever said that to you before, I truly do. x

I am guessing that you cannot get past the anger because the men in your family are still emotionally abusing you. Their expectations of you are totally unrealistic and unreasonable.

I'm not sure what to say. You've been treated appallingly and no-one ever seems to have centred you. I desperately want to say something really meaningful that will make it easy for you to centre your own needs but it's beyond me to do that. I am so sorry that you have gone through all this.

They need to get their own shopping, organise a supermarket delivery or get your brother to go. Any of them. But you shouldn't be expected to set foot anywhere near there, ever again.

I understand what you mean about the social contract and they've reneged on their side of the agreement.

P.S. You're so insightful about the ongoing dynamics and I admire how eloquent you are about it.

Was supposed to have EMDR. Therapist announced she wouldn't see me any more before it actually happened. Same therapist that the people doing discharge when I was sectioned refused to hear me when I said I couldn't see her again. (That was horrible grammar; I hope it made sense.)

FWR was instrumental in honing the analytical skill, I really can't take all the credit there. But what I can't seem to do is find a therapist who shares that analysis. Which strikes me as a bit of a problem.

I seem to have run out of words today, but I'm bloody glad this place exists for when they're flowing. And I'm still thinking about what everyone has said.

Sending peace and refreshment to you. It's good to dwell and reflect before making any decisions.
I understand what you mean about the therapist. It's poor that they seem unable to 'hear' you. I would have hoped that they were able to work with you, rather than 'on' you.
Trauma therapy is delicate- it's right that the therapist stop if they become aware they are not able to help in the way you need. Far better than carrying on and furthering the damage.

I'm inclined to agree about the therapist herself - but that means alternative provision should have been made, not that I should be simply cast adrift with no further input from MH services.

And I suspect I'm not going to make much headway because it's clear to me (and was obviously clear to my therapist) that I grew up being abused within the home as well as by the paedophile - but no one else out in the real world will accept his parenting of a traumatised child has done nothing but compound my issues.

My siblings are happy enough to believe he's sorry about some of his parenting decisions even if he can't say it. I'm of the opinion that this is functionally prioritising his feelings over his children's (a lifelong pattern) and he needs to grow up and accept responsibility for his mistakes and stop letting my siblings to make his apologies for him.

I know what I need to do, I just need my siblings onside. Another conversation with them is in order, I think.

He chose not to move, so hes chosen fo

Totally agree, Tyro.