Am I being OTT

[Franny0696]

So my husband and I have been together for 9 years married 10 months, and due to give birth in 6 weeks.

We have been through a lot of stuff and I trust him with my life except lately I'm been questioning my trust for him and I'm worried it's going to get out of control if I do not get some advice.

We moved out the end of 2018. He used to go out once a week I didn't ever question him where he's going what he's doing etc. He used to come in at a reasonable time and everything was perfect. Then it started to increase to 2 times a week and then he come in at like 3/4 or not at all stay at his friends house. We would argue and he would say it won't happen again blablbla continuous circle.

After we got married it stopped and we decided to have a baby. 2 months into being pregnant it was amazing.

Then it started again but this time he lies about where he is what time he is coming in, ignore my calls, my messages. I then go CRAZY and probably say things that are horrible but I cannot stop then he says sorry and we make up and it happens again the next week.

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and it's still going on and I feel like my trust for him is non existent. I know he's not cheating. But he lies about going to the pub, fishing etc he says irs because I have ago at him.

I'm just worried, he says he would never do it when baby is here but why can he not do it for me? I need to stop questioning him as before this shit I would trust him more than anyone.

When was the last time this happened? Did he just leave the house without telling you? Or did he say he was going somewhere else?

I'm very much for freedom in relationships but I absolutely can't stand liars. I would be very, very upset if I found out my partner had lied to me about where he was and it would make me question what else he had lied about. I'm sorry this is happening to you, he is being incredibly selfish, especially given that you are pregnant. You are not wrong to feel concerned about this.

I know he's not cheating..

Really? How do you know?

@twoHopes he literally did this 2 nights ago. It seems to be a weekly thing. He went to work told me he had his hair cut at 6. Got to 7 I said where are you don't take an hr rung him multiple times he then told me he was at the pub I asked when he will be home he said few drinks came strolling in at 12 we had a row then he went back out.

I'm just sick of it. I want things to work for our unborn child, I love him and don't want to be on my own. But how can I be married to someone who doesn't respect me

@BaronessBollyKnickers he allows me to go @BaronessBollyKnickers he allows me to go on his phone and he's always with his friends they are the always together

He sounds very selfish and controlling. The silent treatment (ignoring your messages) is guaranteed to drive anyone crazy. The lies sound intolerable. It sounds like he is wanting to basically live a single life while you are stuck at home being pregnant - instead of being present and involved in your life together he is acting like a free agent who doesn't have to answer to anyone. Then what happens when the baby comes? He is conditioning you to accept his absences and lack of involvement.

One of the problems with men who do this is that they're not stupid - it's not that they don't understand that how they behave is selfish and inconsiderate, but they don't care, because they just want to do what they want. So things like marriage counselling don't tend to help, and can sometimes just give them more 'ammunition'.

It's a very scary time to be realising that you can't trust or rely on your partner. I'm sorry. You say you need to stop questioning him - I seriously don't think that's the problem. Of course you would expect to know where your partner is and for them to answer the phone and so on. Would he think it was okay for you to go off and spend the night elsewhere without telling him, and refuse to answer his questions or talk about it? I doubt very much that it will be different when the baby comes. He is showing you who he is and it will likely only get worse.

@queenofknives everything you have said is spot on. Just feel stuck I love him more than anything he generally is the love of my life but I feel like a single mum without the baby yet .

I've given him an ultimatum few weeks ago that if he wants that single life go, we will get a divorce and that will be that but it didn't kick him up the ass at all

I'm sorry, Franny. Maybe you have to follow through on the ultimatum. He obviously doesn't think he has to worry, that you are just going to hang on and make things work, make a home for him, and essentially be his mother as well as the baby's.

What is it that you love so much about him? It sounds like he doesn't treat you well at all, doesn't listen to you, respect you, speak to you, care about you, care about the baby... He doesn't seem to treat you with love. Are you thinking about past good times, or is it that he is good at sweet talking you when he wants to? Remember that actions speak louder than words. Can he really be the love of your life when he won't even answer your phone calls? Is 'love' the thing he uses to keep you hanging on to an unfair and unhappy relationship?

Have you ever looked at the Freedom Programme materials? It might help just to work out what's actually going on in your relationship and give you some resources for handling it.

You said he changed for a very short while when you got pregnant. This shows you all you need to know about how he will be when the baby comes. He will not change, as there is no reason for him to do so. Good luck with what you decide to do.

This sounds very similar to my DH in years gone by. Once drunk, he'd provoke an argument in order to storm off and go back out. He was never cheating. But it took years for him to accept that he had a drink problem. Is your DH putting the pub before you because he has an unhealthy dependency? Is the only way to unwind from work a drink down the pub? When the baby is born, will he simply switch to drinking at home? Staying up all hours of the night getting drunk in order to carve out some 'me' time?

Just have a think about his alcohol patterns now. Has he agreed to stop drinking when you're 34 wks? As you could need him to drive to the hospital at any point from then on? My DH couldn't stop, but couldnt see the problem either. It took a breakdown and my refusal to go on holiday with him any more for him to accept he had a problem. He's now more than 2yrs sober.

@whatnow41 @Alienin @queenofknives I have no idea if he will ever change.

I feel like I once was his everything and now I'm just there convenient for him.

I do everything for him, and I cannot record a time he done anything for me. I'm on my own most of the time due to him working as he has his own business.

I am being so naive thinking he will change. I don't think he will be to honest and if he does Jesus it will shock me. I don't want to be a single mum, I want my family but if I'm the only one who will put effort in what's the point?

He hardly pays attention to me. I feel like I'm just there but he preaches how much I mean to him.

I just don't know what to do

As PP have said - he knows you don't want to be on your own when you're about to have a baby and so he has the power in this relationship. He can act with impunity as he thinks you'll never leave. If he's acting like this now, I really don't see how it will get any better once your baby has arrived. If anything it could get a lot worse.

If I were you I would start mentally planning to leave him so that you don't feel like you have so few options. Speak to family/friends about how they could support you in the event that you break up. Get your admin and finances in order. Mentally prepare yourself for you and your baby to be just the two of you. That way you can start to regain some power in your relationship and you will have the ability to leave when you need to.

Given what you've said about him doing nothing for you and not respecting you, I honestly think you'll be happier on your own. But you won't be on your own forever. I know plenty of women whose relationships have broken down soon after giving birth and they've gone on to find someone much better.

it's really frightening to look at life as a single mum when you had in your mind that you would be a family and have the support of a partner. But it looks like your choice is to either be a single mum, or to be effectively a single mum with an extra overgrown child draining your resources. You might also want to think about what kind of a father he will be to your child, too.

You say he does nothing for you, but can turn on the sweet talk to tell you what you want to hear. I think you might have to face up to that being all he is capable of - he can talk the talk but there's no substance to it. Instead of bringing love and commitment to your world, he is a drain on your inner resources. At a time when you should be excitedly planning for your new baby, instead he is creating worry and upset and drama.

I would start getting your ducks in a row - finances, housing and so on. Is there anyone you trust to talk to, your mum or best friend maybe? Get support if you can and figure out an exit plan. Do not tell him this, don't give him any warning. He will say anythng to get you to stay, but his behaviour won't change. You've known him long enough to know he won't change, no matter what promises he makes. So make a plan, get your ducks in a row, and be ready to make your exit at a time that's right for you, when you have what you need in place. If things do miraculously change, you won't have harmed anything by having your exit plan in place, and having set up the means to be independent of him (or any man). The relationships board on here is a treasure trove of info and support for women in your situation too. Keep talking on here. You and your baby deserve happiness and love.

Not answering the phone, particularly when you’re heavily pregnant, is particularly cruel and anxiety inducing. My DH used to work in a place with phone blackout for hours some days and it worried me a lot not being able to contact him, especially as our first baby came quickly and second baby was a footling breech so we had to be extra careful. The fact that he is choosing to do this to you does seem very selfish, he needs to grow up quickly I think.

As regards him being the love of your life, my ex-husband was, and probably always will be, the love of my life. Sadly, I had to look at the person he really was and walk away.

Red flags here sad to say. He is not the man you want him to be. A new baby is... not going to make him change.

But it looks like your choice is to either be a single mum, or to be effectively a single mum with an extra overgrown child draining your resources

This.

I was a single mum from the start and I enjoyed it a lot more than if I'd stayed with her father, who thought that men shouldn't have anything to do with the care of babies. This partner of yours will only drag you down.