A woman (AM) adopts a young child. She joins a new mothers' group where she is welcomed. One woman makes a comment about AM not being a real mother. A lot of other women scold her and say AM is a real mother and she should be ashamed of herself for saying this. They think it is true that AM isn’t the mother of her child in the way they are but it’s needlessly cruel to bring it up so they ask the woman to leave the group. AM asks all the women in the group to acknowledge that she is the real mother of her child. They do. New joiners are asked to confirm they agree AM is the real mother of her child. They all agree because, as AM says, her validity as a mother makes absolutely no difference to them as mothers.
AM feels a bit sad listening to stories about pregnancy, delivery or breastfeeding because she didn’t have those experiences. Some other mothers can see this and decide not ta talk about these things when AM is there. When they want to discuss some issues they are having physically as a result of childbirth, they have a separate chat so they can discuss their issues.
AM finds out about these separate chats and says she feels excluded and would like to be included in every chat. The other mothers agree but she is clearly sad when physical issues relating to motherhood are raised. Some mothers stop talking about their physical issues in those groups and some leave for another group where they can talk about all their issues with motherhood without feeling they’re making someone else feel uncomfortable. AM finds out about this other group and tells all the mothers in the original group that the members of the new group hate her and deny that she is a real mother. They agree.
Some women carry on talking about their physical issues. AM gets annoyed and says these discussions are making her feel excluded. She says the mothers should not discuss physical issues arising from childbirth in a mothers’ group because it’s not associated with being a mother. After all, everyone has agreed she is a real mother and she hasn’t had those issues so they are not issues relating to motherhood.
Some women say they are only talking about “biological” aspects of motherhood. AM says there aren’t any biological aspects of motherhood which she says is obvious because she is a mother and hasn’t had them. Those are the experience of gestators which is nothing to do with motherhood, that AM’s child’s gestator is not her mother because AM is her real mother, everyone has already agreed this.
AM also says that adoptive mothers have the hardest time of all the mothers because other people don’t believe they are real mothers and that makes some adoptive mothers want to kill themselves. AM says any other viewpoint is only based on hatred of her and denial of the fact that she is a real mother so anyone who disagrees or wants to discuss this hates her and denies her motherhood.
The other women are puzzled and don’t fully agree but they want to make sure AM feels good so they go along with it. Some women are struggling with incontinence, episiotomies, scar tissue and some have had vaginal mesh implants but they don’t want to make AM feel bad. The group agrees that any talk about physical consequences of childbearing is banned within the group as this is exclusionary to AM. Some of them are angry at the other mothers who had been their friends but now they are making AM feel sad and they can’t understand why they would be so cruel.
Meanwhile, AM has been lobbying for her doctor to be required to register the child as her biological child and to use her family history on the child’s medical records. She lobbies for her child’s certificate of adoption to be replaced with a birth certificate showing AM as the mother of the child from birth. She says you would only refuse this if you hate her and deny the validity of her motherhood.
Some women decide to set up a new group for gestators. They make it clear the group is for gestators to talk about the physical effects of motherhood. AM hears about this and complains that these women hate her and are trying to deny the reality of her motherhood. She says they have reduced everything about being a mother to just biology. She gets a group of people to tell the gestator group that they are hateful for denying AM’s motherhood. They decide the gestators shouldn’t be able to have meetings that exclude AM so they lobby the venues to stop the meeting going ahead. They stand outside and shout at the women going inside and call them names. They assault some of the women and set off flare guns and bang the windows. They find people in the gestators group and complain to their employers that they should be sacked for saying that being a gestator is part of motherhood and that they should be able to meet to talk about these things. After one firing, a judge declares that the belief that gestating a child is part of motherhood is a belief not worthy of respect in society.