Was this sexism? (Minor encounter)

[QuarantineDream]

Ever since having a baby a few years ago I feel like I can see the Matrix (no pun intended) in terms of sexism - I never understood it before and now I see it everywhere. But sometimes I don't know if I'm over-reacting or 'imagining' it so would love to have your POVs on this very minor encounter yesterday.

I was in a small corner shop buying some boiled sweets for a display (don't ask) plus some chocolate bars for me and my husband (but mostly for me). As I'm choosing which chocolate to get this bloke behind me starts commenting about how many sweets I'm buying, how with my figure I can get away with eating them (I'm really not that slim and for the record was wearing a giant baggy sweater), am I eating them because I'm stressed etc etc. I smiled tightly and kept replying with short but polite comments.

It really pissed me off because I have food issues and absolutely hate people commenting on what I'm eating (which is why I worry I'm overthinking this) but he would never have said those comments to my husband; he only said them to me because I'm female. That's sexism right?

I think so, although I'm a bit wooly sometimes too.

He definitely made comments because you are a woman.

He had make privilege in the interaction, to feel able to talk to a stranger about their weight/metabolism/dietary choices without expecting any blundaries or cross words back. You did what we women are socialised to do and held back from telling him to fuck the fuck off out of your business.

The whole interaction was a typical one for a patriarchal society, so i think is implicitly sexist because patriarchy is.

Probably... unless he’s one of those weirdos who will say any inappropriate thing to anyone just to make conversation.... I seem to send out some kind of radar signal for this...

There's no probably about it... Have you ever heard of anyone saying to a man, oh you've got the figure so you can eat that, but the fact you want to leads me to question whether you're feeling ok? Thought not. It's blatantly sexist, it's over bearing and intrusive, and it's done to women - mostly but not only by men.

The bloke in the local shop used to ask me "should I be selling you this chocolate" until the time I lost patience and said "probably not" and walked out without buying it. He never did it again. But it made me feel like shit.

Sounds like it was power play on the part of the man.

Yes it sounds exactly like sexist and patriarchal behaviour to me.

What arrogance on his part to think he has the right to make a personal remark like that to you! Who does he think he is to openly judge you and your choices? How dare he assume such familiarity with you? He knows of course that you won't be able deck him for his rudeness like a man could. So that is how he dares. It feels like a kind of bullying behaviour to me. Sexist bullying.

Sounds like it was power play on the part of the man.

Yes it sounds exactly like sexist and patriarchal behaviour to me.

What arrogance on his part to think he has the right to make a personal remark like that to you! Who does he think he is to openly judge you and your choices? How dare he assume such familiarity with you? He knows of course that you won't be able deck him for his rudeness like a man could. So that is how he dares. It feels like a kind of bullying behaviour to me. Sexist bullying.

Sounds like it was power play on the part of the man.

Yes it sounds exactly like sexist and patriarchal behaviour to me.

What arrogance on his part to think he has the right to make a personal remark like that to you! Who does he think he is to openly judge you and your choices? How dare he assume such familiarity with you? He knows of course that you won't be able deck him for his rudeness like a man could. So that is how he dares. It feels like a kind of bullying behaviour to me. Sexist bullying.

Thanks for the responses. I know it's such a minor interaction but a) it really pissed me off (partly because I felt so judged I ended up making the wrong chocolate bar choices) and b) it brought back all these memories of being younger when I would regularly get these kinds of comments that would always make me feel uncomfortable and spend mental energy working out how to politely extricate myself from the conversation while giving "not interested" vibes in case, y'know, male violence.

Argh, it just makes me so angry thinking about it now. I can understand why so many teenage girls think it would be easier to be a man.

Absolutely sexist. And it's very easy for people to go 'oh it's just one person, no big deal' but this stuff accumulates. It's one person picking at an existing wound. And if you had responded with a firm 'please stop' you'd have been overly sensitive, hysterical woman, etc.

The fucking loser would never have dared say that to a man.

...(or a woman who was with a man.)

A complete stranger making personal comments on a woman's body shape is definitely sexism. It's the kind of casual, low-level sexism women are expected to smile and tolerate every. single. And I don't know about other women's experiences, but I think things have gone backward over about the last 5 years and the tendency toward this kind of encounter is again becoming more frequent tendency. I now tend to trust my own responses rather than take a 'did he actually just say that to me and if so, did he 'mean' it?' kind of line.

Women shouldn't care what men who behave this way 'meant'. Replying with politeness and smiles as we've been conditioned to do and it's score one for them. A tart: 'how about I focus on my own shopping and body shape, and you worry about yours' might hit the spot, but we all know The Script from that point on. Sexist Man produces a tone of injured innocence, protests that he was only trying to be helpful/make polite conversation and didn't expect pushback from an uppity woman, or failing that, accuses you of having no SOH or protests that you're ugly, anyway. Or calls you 'Karen'. Who can blame women for not being arsed, smiling through gritted teeth and moving on?

I tend to sweat the small stuff less as I get older and normally choose bigger hills to die on than this. But honestly, I am so long over this shit. My first and natural inclination to be snippy, rude, or at the very least stare stonily and unsmilingly through them with no comment. And I'm completely unrepentant.

What a wanker.

Apologies for terrible typing courtesy of small screen.

I fucking hate bullies.

Yes, it was sexism. I either completely ignore this type of encounter as in don’t even acknowledge that they’ve spoken (men really don’t like that!) or I say loudly “WHAT?!” and get them to repeat what they’ve said and then follow that with “the look”.

Definitely sexist.

I deploy a look that combines mild contempt with bemusement in an attempt to convey 'Did you really just say what I think you did, you silly little man?'

Yes.

I have found the inquiring and measured 'how do you mean / sorry I don't get it / could you explain further' Louis Theroux type pproach to comments can work very well, better than a retort that might set them off. Also allows them to further dif themselves into

.. dig themselves deeper, even!