Michaela Coel called out over comments on 'responsibility' and sexual assault

[stumbledin]

Quote:

It doesn’t mean that Arabella [the protagonist of IMDY] is responsible for what happened to her. But she can find, within that scene of when her drink was spiked, she can find herself not being powerless.

When you dare to face that, for me personally, I gained some sort of power. I don’t know why. But when I allowed myself to just look and go ‘And there was the minute when perhaps I was looking somewhere else [...] and that’s when it happened’.

It doesn’t place any blame on me. But to shield me [...], to shield anyone from that moment is to keep someone as an infant.

You’re making them only see it from a two-dimensional view, where there is a victim and a criminal, and the criminal did everything and you did nothing, everything happened to you.

But that is such a powerless way of seeing life. And I don’t know how much we can grow, I don’t know how much we can find our power if we’re only seeing things that way.

www.indy100.com/article/michaela-coel-i-may-destroy-you-sexual-assault-responsibility-9615436

(I haven't watched the series as I just thought it was going to be another tv drama relying on a sexploitation plot, though understand that it now being said to be a feminist / me too drama)

I think you're right. I think this is actually a psychological defence mechanism from someone who's been a victim. It's similar to when Chrissie Hynde seemed to blame herself for being gang raped. Obviously it's complete nonsense - the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist. But perhaps it makes the victim feel better, in some way, to believe otherwise.

I think it is more than a psychological defence mechanism.

I was raped as a teen when I accepted a lift home from an acquaintance who offered to keep me safe as I was fairly trashed and vulnerable.

Drove me to some waste land, threatened me and raped me.

Then he dropped me off home.

Of course it wasn't my fault, it was his fault, but it did teach me a lesson about men who are wolves in sheep's clothing and about accepting lifts from acquaintances when worse for wear.

I subsequently always made sure I had a lift, taxi or some other form of safe transport in place if I needed to get home in the early hours.

Is it victim blaming that I have advised younger women to be careful about being vulnerable to sexual assault if stranded without transport?

I see it as if we are entirely powerless, this could happen any and every time we leave the house. Or at home. All the time. We are never ever safe. And while I haven’t experienced rape I have experienced a very scary sexual assault, and understand as FloralBunting put it, the dark terror that you are always utterly vulnerable. If I can tell myself that there was something I could do, pinpoint where it went wrong, other than he is a rapist I can give myself the power to be confident enough to go out again and live life without the debilitating knowledge that it could happen again at any time and there’s nothing I can do about it

Exactly. That's what I meant about needing to believe in a "just world". It is trying to convince yourself that it happens in particular circumstances and if you avoid them you will be ok. And if you had avoided them you would not have been raped. As I said, I have spoken to other rape survivors about this (as a rape survivor myself) and it really does help some women process it. And that's fine. What isn't fine is to suggest that other women could have done the same, and because they didn't, they were responsible.

youarenotsosmart.com/2010/06/07/the-just-world-fallacy/

Well, I really feel I must defend Michaela Coel here. She very clearly says 'for me personally' so she is talking about the exact same psychological help that I am, that 'just world' fallacy.

I've never suggested there is one acceptable way to process rape trauma, and I think it's crystal clear from her TV series that she isn't saying that either.

I agree with her. I think what she has done brilliantly with IMDY is to find the grey spaces of accountability and sympathy in the reality of rape and sexual assault. At the moment we very often have the two competing narratives of blaming the victim - "she shouldn't have been drunk/dressed like that/she should have left him the first time" - Vs the contrasting but equally simplistic response: "it's 100% the rapist's responsibility, nothing the victim could have done would have avoided it". And while the rapist is 100% responsible for having perpetuated it, rape is as often a crime of opportunity as any other, and to visualise ourselves as helpless objects being carried through life and acted on by whatever perps and protectors happen to be around is no help to anyone. Gavin deBecker, who has a lot of sense and help to speak despite the problems with his views on domestic violence, has a line about how the best way to not be a victim of violent crime is not to be there when it happens.

She is talking about finding her power, the power you have to find to heal and assimilate and make sense of something like this. And it no doubt has resonance for her as well as a Black woman who has had to fight tooth and nail for recognition and creative control. She could have railed (legitimately) about racism and simply dropped out, but she had to find her power and acknowledge what she could do to get the platform to tell her story. If we go back to the domestic violence victim, the worst thing anyone can do for her is to try and push her to leave, because you simply push her deeper into the role of someone who is controlled by others. To leave, a woman has to find her power and autonomy, has to acknowledge that she has choices and has made choices.

As PP said, she is also adding complexity and reality to "unlikeable" or no stereotypical rape victims, who do not exist solely in the role of victim and may be the perpetrators of harm on others in ways too, like Kwame who is both the victim of a rape and the exploiter, to some degree, of a woman as part of his trauma.

I've never suggested there is one acceptable way to process rape trauma, and I think it's crystal clear from her TV series that she isn't saying that either.

I'm not saying that you or she did.

No, Eresh, but many of the comments on thread have acknowledged the legitimacy of the personal response and repeatedly underlined that it's fine as long as it isn't presented as a way all survivors should respond.

I'm just saying I don't think that was what Coel was doing, and I guess I'm not just talking about this thread but anyone out there who thrives on cancel culture witchfinding who feels they need to 'call out' Coel for talking about her perspective.

Yes, and I said she had the right to make her comments. There are wider issues here on both sides. Some of the comments on this thread are skirting the idea that the victim is partially responsible. Not yours.

repeatedly underlined that it's fine as long as it isn't presented as a way all survivors should respond.

I said that before anyone else did. I don't have to agree with her comments.

FWIW, I do think some people on the thread are using the comments to leverage open the suggestion that women are partially responsible for their rapists.

I'd like to underline that what I have described is a coping mechanism, part of the healing process, and in no way an objective thing. I cannot stress that enough. Women are allowed to work through their individual trauma in the ways that help the best. No one should use that as an excuse to press the tiniest scintillating of blame on them. It's not keeping us as perpetual victims to say we are not responsible for being attacked, it is a simple statement of fact.

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I don't think there's a wrong way to deal with sexual asssult. Unfortunately the cultural narrative tends towards blaming victims. Remember Eamonn Holmes with "you'll get a taxi in future won't you"?

www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/eamonn-holmes-slammed-over-remarks-to-rape-victim-on-tv-28674509.html

FWIW when you articulated your position I thought it was very clear what you meant.

As in I thought you explained it very well and it resonated with me. I became hypersexualised after I was raped, which is another fairly common coping mechanism for wanting to take back power. I had no boundaries.

For me the problem is not with personal belief or actions it’s with how loud voices about those shape societal responses. It doesn’t matter what the thing was, people will always go over the detail and think if only I’d...

When it is rape or sexual assault the perpetrator decided to rape or sexually assault. It was a choice. Their choice.

The victim did not choose to be assaulted. They do not need to be hating themselves for not doing this or doing that alongside coping with their new unwanted identity as a victim of sexual assault. If it helps people to think if only, great. If it doesn’t then help to cope with the terrible truth of reality is needed.

I don’t see any suggestion of victim responsibility in her comments. I do see it in many other places.

I don't want to derail the thread but this is what I am referring to in my last comment and I think it is relevant to the idea of powerlessness and taking back power.

medium.com/@chloe.maughan.writing/sex-after-trauma-part-1-hypersexuality-ac1c5bd18c08

Given the recommendations, I may watch this series, I've been wondering whether I would find it too much.

Eresh, I'm glad, I didn't think we were at odds on this.

I couldn't watch all of it, but what I saw was very good.

And YY to hypersexualization. I walked that route after trauma too. I understand it's common after childhood abuse.

for you and everyone else on the thread who has been assaulted/abused.

And while the rapist is 100% responsible for having perpetuated it, rape is as often a crime of opportunity as any other, and to visualise ourselves as helpless objects being carried through life and acted on by whatever perps and protectors happen to be around is no help to anyone.

On an intellectual level true, in practice it's rather different and quite difficult,especially if there was no opportunity to do different.

When I was 13 I was playing cards with some classmates in their room at camp. 6 more showed up(not their room) and attacked me while everyone else watched. One girl tried to help, but her boyfriend told her to sit down and be quiet or they'll turn on her. She did as she was told. What could I have done differently,bar having a crystal ball to let me know it would happen?

When I was 14 my grandfather came to say hello. I was in my own house, in my room. Mum was in the kitchen. I fought back then.. but you know, the damage was done. I asked mum if I was a slut. What could I have done differently?

When I was 17 my maths tutor started touching me under my jumper during a session. 5 other girls at the table with me. His wife in the kitchen,his son in his room. I was paralysed, I refused to believe it was happening. What could I have done differently?. My responsibility I guess for going to the second session.

I don't even remember what happened with my cousin, I was fairly young and I only get flashes and smells. Maybe there were things I could've done..

Sexual assault and rape can happen in the most unbelievable and unexpected circumstances. Some of us just don't have the option of a "what if" and we just have to accept that and learn to live with it.

Sexual assault and rape can happen in the most unbelievable and unexpected circumstances. Some of us just don't have the option of a "what if" and we just have to accept that and learn to live with it.

Yes I completely agree. There was nothing you could have done.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

And while the rapist is 100% responsible for having perpetuated it, rape is as often a crime of opportunity as any other, and to visualise ourselves as helpless objects being carried through life and acted on by whatever perps and protectors happen to be around is no help to anyone.

On an intellectual level true, in practice it's rather different and quite difficult,especially if there was no opportunity to do different.

When I was 13 I was playing cards with some classmates in their room at camp. 6 more showed up(not their room) and attacked me while everyone else watched. One girl tried to help, but her boyfriend told her to sit down and be quiet or they'll turn on her. She did as she was told. What could I have done differently,bar having a crystal ball to let me know it would happen?

When I was 14 my grandfather came to say hello. I was in my own house, in my room. Mum was in the kitchen. I fought back then.. but you know, the damage was done. I asked mum if I was a slut. What could I have done differently?

When I was 17 my maths tutor started touching me under my jumper during a session. 5 other girls at the table with me. His wife in the kitchen,his son in his room. I was paralysed, I refused to believe it was happening. What could I have done differently?. My responsibility I guess for going to the second session.

I don't even remember what happened with my cousin, I was fairly young and I only get flashes and smells. Maybe there were things I could've done..

Sexual assault and rape can happen in the most unbelievable and unexpected circumstances. Some of us just don't have the option of a "what if" and we just have to accept that and learn to live with it.

I am truly sorry for your experiences.

What I am saying is not at all that these experiences could have been stopped by you "if only". What I am talking about is that for many of us, recognising the things that made us vulnerable is an insight which becomes something than empowers us and gives us more autonomy in the future. I am also a rape survivor, and one of the things that made me vulnerable to my rapist was that at the time, I lived with someone who frightened me, and on that occasion now-DH was out for the evening and I was afraid to go home. I no longer allow into my home anyone who makes me feel unsafe there. Had I been older and wiser, I also might have recognised the way he was bullying me and manipulating me into drinking. I have those skills now, and they help to protect and enable me. And these insights have not made me feel that it was my fault. They have freed me of that feeling. Recognising that there was an alternative universe where I didn't get raped by that man on that night does not remove his complete responsibility for what he did to me.

If I had seen myself as completely passive in the situation, I could not have recovered. I had to see myself as a person with autonomy and control over my own actions to do the work of moving on.

If I had seen myself as completely passive in the situation, I could not have recovered.

We all heal in different ways, and with that comes different perspective.

I really struggle with all this.
I was raped not too long ago. I wasn't drunk, I was in someone's house and we were having consensual sexual activity.
I completely pushed it to the back of my mind. I forgot about it. Unfortunately I have had to have medical treatment as a result which means I had to recall it.
I judge myself. I'm a middle aged woman. I'm strong. I did nothing. I didnt fight back. I find myself even questioning whether they thought I consented. I blame myself every way possible.
If I heard this from anybody else I would be compassionate, caring. But I cant be that way to myself. I blame myself, maybe not so much for it, but for my reaction.

I'm so sorry Clean. I don't think your reaction is at all unrealistic. Everyone I'm sure likes to think they'd struggle and shout, make it clear they wanted it to stop. But I can't imagine that's actually the case. Personally I'd be more likely to go for the keep still and hope it's over quickly school of reaction. Thankfully I've never had to find out. What I'm trying to say is there is no right way to react and no wrong way to feel.

When you dare to face that, for me personally, I gained some sort of power. I don’t know why. But when I allowed myself to just look and go ‘And there was the minute when perhaps I was looking somewhere else [...] and that’s when it happened’.

Oh, ffs, we all know where this ends. 'I gained some power, realizing that I could choose not to ...walk the street alone... be out and about after 10...travel alone... travel without male protector ... show my hair..'. In the end you are under a Burka and never walk the street without faimily member, and guess what, women who live like that still get raped.

Some of my greatest experiences were while travelling to secluded places with 1-4 people (half the time exlcusively males) I was acquainted with but not close friends to rock climb (camping sometimes even without a tent, only in sleeping bags out in the open) to rock climb.
That's freedom ffs. And I did that well knowing that I could have had 'the power to stay home' in order to not get victim blamed if something bad should happen. (It never did, luckily. And no, this stuff didn't include any romantic or sexual 'encounters'. It wasn't about that at all).

I just can't...

@deepwatersolo

When you dare to face that, for me personally, I gained some sort of power. I don’t know why. But when I allowed myself to just look and go ‘And there was the minute when perhaps I was looking somewhere else [...] and that’s when it happened’.

Oh, ffs, we all know where this ends. 'I gained some power, realizing that I could choose not to ...walk the street alone... be out and about after 10...travel alone... travel without male protector ... show my hair..'. In the end you are under a Burka and never walk the street without faimily member, and guess what, women who live like that still get raped.

Some of my greatest experiences were while travelling to secluded places with 1-4 people (half the time exlcusively males) I was acquainted with but not close friends to rock climb (camping sometimes even without a tent, only in sleeping bags out in the open) to rock climb.
That's freedom ffs. And I did that well knowing that I could have had 'the power to stay home' in order to not get victim blamed if something bad should happen. (It never did, luckily. And no, this stuff didn't include any romantic or sexual 'encounters'. It wasn't about that at all).

I just can't...

I really, really, really don't think that's where Michaela Coel was going with that, at all, as I think any familiarity with her work would demonstrate.

I really, really, really don't think that's where Michaela Coel was going with that, at all, as I think any familiarity with her work would demonstrate.

But it is where this logic invariably ends when consistently applied.