Bleak view of motherhood

[GettingUntrapped]

Perhaps I'm depressed. I'm a single parent with nine and 14-year old boys.
I'm struggling to see what's in it for me. At times, it feels like motherhood is a type of mental and psychological slavery, along with domestic drudgery.
Mothers are strongly socialised to self sacrifice, and despite all the effort, will always get blamed by society when things go wrong. On top of that, our children blame us for any perceived hardship, if their lives aren't perfect.
I'm doing my best, but feel like it's a totally shit deal.
In fact, it sometimes feels terrifying, like I am in a kind of bondage or prison and can't get out.
I'm sure I would benefit from therapy.
Can anyone relate?

Being a single parent is tough. Very tough. Being a poor single parent doubly so. I was a young single parent, struggling to survive and excluded from much that would have made life more bearable and fun, because I had no money: no telephone: no washing machine: a coin meter for electricity: choices between food and taking a bus ( I'd always walk -often right across the city to visit friends): no holidays: no restaurant lunches with friends; essential items bought from a catalogue...and yes, it often felt like I was in prison.

Being in a partnership with someone who wants children, and having a reasonably comfortable lifestyle, makes a whole world of difference. Parenthood/motherhood is demanding enough, even at the best of times.

My children have grown up now, and I have a granddaughter, and I cannot imagine not having had children. You develop resources you never knew you had.....and you do appreciate that there are joys and pleasures in motherhood too.

Untrapped

Being a single parent is very tough and can often feel like an exhausting and thankless job. You need all the help and support you can get. If you think you may be depressed see your GP.

Sending you much love and strength.

Motherhood traps women in so many more ways than it does men, especially if relationships break down. It's a massive inequality and a sign of structural misogyny if you ask me.
Society has now decided that fathers get 50/50 access to children, but hasn't righted the fact that women still get a pittance in child maintenance from fathers,if they can get them to pay anything at all. The statistics are clear on how relationship breakdowns are far more likely to leave mothers in poverty than men.
It sucks.

@Lettera

Untrapped

Being a single parent is very tough and can often feel like an exhausting and thankless job. You need all the help and support you can get. If you think you may be depressed see your GP.

Sending you much love and strength.

This, exactly this

💐

Deffo worth looking at therapy, i know a few people who have benefitted immensely

Motherhood traps women in so many more ways than it does men, especially if relationships break down. It's a massive inequality and a sign of structural misogyny

I no longer view things in that way. There are differences between men and women, and it is true that motherhood does carry far more of an emotional and, often, practical burden than does fatherhood. I'm not convinced this is a plot, though. And even when you look at the most egalitarian countries ( Denmark, for example) you see that sex differences remain: in choice, preferences, aptitude for certain subject areas, and so on.

Deffo worth looking at therapy, i know a few people who have benefitted immensely

If it is available on the NHS - yes. That would most likely be CBT ( cognitive behavioural therapy). But private therapy can out of the question for many. The support of friends and family, when available, and even meditation, prayer or whatever method you can find that permits you some perspective and peace of mind, even in the most challenging circumstances.

I understand OP. I'm not a single parent although I have been in the past. Raising boys can be hard work too especially as they become teens (I have three).

Do you have any family or friends to support you? You sound like you could do with a break. I realise that's not easy at the moment with the country still in pandemic mode.

As others have said talking therapy might be helpful. I would start by visiting your GP.

Everyone thinks babies are toddlers are the hardest stage of parenthood but that's not always true. However in a few short years the dynamics will change again and you will start regaining freedoms and with it a sense of self outside of just motherhood. So hang in there.

OP, in some ways you are in the worst years in terms of kids seeming to be ungrateful and challenging. They are much more rewarding when they come out the other side of that brain funk, they seem to gain a lot more perspective.

OP I have a partner that pulls his weight, yet I have never ever done anything that hard.

I cannot fathom how difficult it must undoubtedly be for you as a single partner.

I have also found motherhood not my thing at all, yet a huge taboo to discuss with others, fellow mothers especially.

I think you need to find a support network of similar minded people. I would be happy to so that with you ir anyone here if interested.

Thank you all for your kind words. I certainly could do with a support group.
I suppose I'm trying to make sense of it all. Not much fight left in me at the moment though.
Motherhood is a role, and I'm stuck in role-play almost 24/7. It's mind-numbingly boring to boot.

I think there is the concept of 'mother-as-saint' and the reality of a human woman with her inborn need to continue to grow and develop herself, regardless of children. Motherhood has stifled that for me, at least at the moment.

I think there is the concept of 'mother-as-saint' and the reality of a human woman with her inborn need to continue to grow and develop herself, regardless of children. Motherhood has stifled that for me, at least at the moment

Yes, this the conflict. As parents, though I do think it becomes fairly inevitable that some part of us ends up being lived through our children. And then when they leave the nest, you have more time and space to discover your independent self once again.

Within the first few weeks of motherhood I became in awe of how single mothers manage, I felt like I was drowning and that was with a hands-on partner. It is a difficult and often thankless task. I think this is especially true when they are very small and during teenage years.
I was an absolute terror as a teenager. Fought with my parents a lot and yes my mum bore the brunt of a lot of it. When it was actually anger at the world, coming to terms with changes in myself and increased stresses and responsibilities.
Once I left home our relationship improved immensely and we have a great one now, and she loves spending time with me, my siblings and my DD.
It is tough, I hope you manage to find time for yourself

This ended up being an essay! It is a subject dear to my heart. I hear you and really sympathise.

I have been where you are OP. Although I have a hands on husband he stays away for work often. Add in a child with special needs and three births close together and I think I was a wreck for much of my 3dc's early lives. I truly believe parental burnout is real and sucks the joy out of parenting. I also believe parenting is a hugely feminist issue, it is predominantly left to women to do the bulk of the labour; even my amazing hands on other half is useless at the emotional and cognitive labour (helping them in emotional storms, knowing what needs doing and when etc). I truly believe that "it takes a village to raise a child" and modern life has fractured all support systems that families once relied on. Add to that that the expectations are higher than they have ever been; feminism and other political movements have failed (so far) to get caring work recognised as valuable, and you have a perfect storm for depressed/stressed/ burnt out mothers everywhere you turn. Sorry, rant over

You asked if you are depressed, you may be but I wouldn't use this to dismiss the very real feelings you are going through. I dislike labelling things depression as it often centres the problem in the individual when the environment is wrong and needs changing. I'm am studying psychology, in part because I believe female and maternal depression is a feminist issue that stems from structural and enviromental forces. Even if you think a label of depression helps you, the cause of the depression is all the things you have described. Does that make sense? I have been helped by therapy, but the way out may be as simple as asking for help, creating a support network, letting others know how you feel etc. (Yay for mumsnet!) I have also benefitted greatly from learning self-compassion. My low self esteem was turned around by learning to cut myself some slack and realising I had absorbed all the external expectations of perfect parenting and patriachal expectations of what a good 'house wife' should be. ('Mother as saint' as you point out). I am terrible at housework and that is just what it is, one women's meat is another women's poison!

I hope for you that you can work through this. It will get easier as they get older. My oldest is now 17 and helps around the house enormously when I ask and is lovely to be around, but at 14 she was an emotional wreck and very 'needy'. 14 is a hard age and 9 is still very young. As they get older you will feel freer, for instance I can leave mine all at home now and know they are safe.

I tend to use Mumsnet just to keep abreast of the feminism section so don't know where to signpost you to but I'm sure there are many threads that would be supportive for you.
Take care and keep posting

Practically, it is going to be all consuming at the moment, with everyone’s lives reduced to their own four walls and a lack of meaningful interaction out of the house. Do you think you are struggling specifically now because there isn’t school/ scouts/ football - anything that would have given you glimpses of yourself once drop off is done? How much do your boys help or support around the house?
It does indeed seem never-ending.

It's very hard and you're not alone for feeling this way, you're also not a bad mum or a bad person because of it.

I know what you mean about the "mother as Saint" thing. Keep in mind that, even if we COULD be saintlike, that actually wouldn't serve our children well. They have to deal with the real world someday, they will have to deal with other humans, most of whom won't love them as much as you do. So we are helping to prepare them for that with our very mistakes and impatient moments and screw-ups. It wouldn't be good in the long run to be perfect (even if it were possible) because that's just too much cushion. They need to learn to deal with real, messy, imperfect humans. This is what I keep telling myself, anyway!!!

But therapy, or a support network, or whatever helps you hang on to your own sanity, is definitely worth it.

Yes.

It’s ok to feel like you do, so don’t let that make you feel worse- but I would agree with seeing a GP because depression and motherhood are a very tough combo.

Motherhood is often a grind. No matter how much you love your kids it can feel thankless and draining. Find something you can do that gives you a bit of happiness, even if it’s just having a soak in the bath with some music or a book. It’s hard when you have no money but try to not get pulled into a more negative spiral. Counter every negative thought with a positive one. Remind yourself what you feel is not unique- many women struggle with motherhood. We’re in a pandemic which is making a mess of lots of people’s mental health and this may be impacting on you.

Good luck, I truly hope you can find a way through the dark.

@CousinKrispy

It's very hard and you're not alone for feeling this way, you're also not a bad mum or a bad person because of it.

I know what you mean about the "mother as Saint" thing. Keep in mind that, even if we COULD be saintlike, that actually wouldn't serve our children well. They have to deal with the real world someday, they will have to deal with other humans, most of whom won't love them as much as you do. So we are helping to prepare them for that with our very mistakes and impatient moments and screw-ups. It wouldn't be good in the long run to be perfect (even if it were possible) because that's just too much cushion. They need to learn to deal with real, messy, imperfect humans. This is what I keep telling myself, anyway!!!

But therapy, or a support network, or whatever helps you hang on to your own sanity, is definitely worth it.

Thank you, this is making sense to me. Yes, they have to learn how to survive in the real world. I don't find teaching them these lessons very pleasurable. It's very hard work and I'm so miserable a lot of the time. Maybe it isn't much fun 'breaking this news' after fairytales, Peppa Pig, the tooth fairy, Santa, patriarchy, the ideal mother propaganda etc. I'm having a glass of wine now, so don't worry, I'm not in a dungeon. Although I feel like I want to get out of one.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I had a hard day today and you typing a reply has helped me.
Wishing you all a pleasant evening.

Just wanted to send good wishes. This lockdown time has been the hardest of my life.

I'm sorry, OP. I have my moments when I feel motherhood is a trap - and I'm in a partnership. Lockdown has certainly brought things into sharp focus.

to you and all the other mothers struggling with this.

You have to look after yourself, your health, your mental health. It's not really optional, in the long run. Hope you get a chance to do something, even something small, every day to keep yourself going.

I recommend the 'Joy Diet' by Martha Beck (it's not a 'diet' like we usually use the word).