Husband s name calling - stay or leave?

[upsidedowngal]

I’m sure I’m not the only one to say that relationships/marriages tougher since Lockdown.
My husband called me a cunt and whore! Yes after I perhaps antagonised him, but did I really deserve this level of name calling? Do I stay and work through it or leave?

I’d be off, I wouldn’t put up with that

kick him in the balls.

no one has the right to talk to you like that, but the choice regarding staying or leaving is yours.

Why has he called you these names? Have you called him names also?

I doubt I could stay after something like that because it would be a complete 180 for my husband - he doesn’t cuss ever. He’s gotten angry to the point where I thought he wanted to hit something (he Did hit a door) once in our marriage and that was a close call - I told him if it happened again I would likely leave him. This was Totally out of character and wasn’t about me.

I guess what I’m saying is everyone has a line. If this is yours you should leave. Or at least Draw that line in the sand and make plans so if he crosses It again you can go.

My first reaction was: Names like that indicate total contempt or indeed hate, and I would be surprised if the namecalling is the only issue you are having with him (or if it is, I suspect things will soon escalate). If this is how he now treats you, then I would also start making plans to leave. A family member of mine started getting the same behaviour from her H, it escalated into physical and emotional abuse and they are now divorced.

That said, my DH did once call me a similar name (in over 20 years together). He was grieving for someone close to him who had died unexpectedly and young, and was very upset at the time so I knew it was not a sign of his normal attitude towards me. However I put a metaphorical rocket up his arse and made it very clear that that was way over my limit of being acceptable, and he had better never say anything like that to me again (he didn't). But if it is happening more than once or with any less good excuse, I would definitely say get rid.

That's verbal abuse.

People say leave; it's not always simple.

Google the Freedom Programme. You can do it online, I think.

Unmumsnetty hugs.

@Anordinarymum
In this argument - no name calling my side. Yes maybe 2-3 years ago the worst I would call him is a prick/idiot. But since then I’ve worked really hard on respect...I know how hurtful it is (having been at the receiving end) therefore have made a conscious to work on myself and stop

Thank you mums for your advice... it means so much as I don’t share my marriage issues with family or friends.

Yes I did antagonise my husband - I threw away some food that he specifically asked me not to! Then he just flipped- Cunt, Whore and arsey little shithead! He also held his first up threatening to hit me. He didn’t touch me BUT he did take off his hat and threw it at my back as I walked away.
Ok there has been built up frustration over lockdown, in particular that day. Yes I nag and ask him a lot to do stuff around the house (which I think it’s fair as I do 80% of housework, cooking, meal planning, cleaning, washing, ironing,shopping, childcare, home schooling, buying gifts/cards for family friends etc etc.

Married for almost 10 years, together for 16, 2 young children, mortgage,
future building work plans, holidays booked... it’s not easy! I’m my mind I am figuring out plans to transition to separate. But after 4 weeks he has booked couples therapy and wants to address his aggression head on.

What makes this decision even harder is, it’s not a daily/weekly or even annual thing! It’s probably once every 24 months he typically snaps, drinks too much, if I ask him to sleep in another bed he resorts to name calling.

I am trying the therapy, but I am still just so hurt by how he disrespected me.....

Thank you for your message - you are absolutely right, name calling isn’t the only issue. He threatened with his fist to hit me - for the first time EVER in our marriage.
It is such a difficult decision because our of the 16 years we ve been together, this has happened around 5-10 times.... usually when he drinks too much....

For the first time I told him this may be it and I am considering separation. He booked a block of couples therapy, and also said he d address his aggression separately as well....

It’s a total lack of respect and after 1 month I am still feeling hurt.
Thank you for your post, it really meant alot

Hi OP.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I remember being you and typing similar words anonymously into a forum terrified of what would come back. I did get some victim blaming "did you cause it" and I can see that here too. But you did not cause it. He chose to act like this. He knew it would frighten and upset you. He knows it will disorientate and confuse you. It is always deliberate.

I can see someone has recommended the Freedom Programme. Please access it. Or buy the book "living with the dominator" and of course be careful to store it secretly. Please don't share with him your intention to leave. It's likely to escalate him. Make plans. Talk to a women's service about how.

But ... you shouldn't be doubting yourself. If you want to throw food away. So what. The fact that he is making rules that if you "break the rules" he gets to punish you by humiliating you and making you afraid ... this is coercive control. It's exactly what it is. You should not be afraid to ask him to share household chores.

Drinking is not an excuse. Drinking might lower inhibitions to abuse but it is still his choice to abuse. The drink doesn't do that - it just makes it easier to excuse afterwards.

I bargained with myself for years asking "am I being abused?" And "well what else can I do we have a nice life and holidays etc etc and I'm sure it will get better if I change myself".... believe me I changed myself. Over and over and over. I felt like a chameleon. But I stopped feeling like me. I got further and further lost. He has already started this process. But you need time. You don't have to leave until you are ready and you've made plans. You need to go at your own pace and you need support. Call any women's service in your area. Call the Freedom Programme.

Today I go where I want. I say what I like. I do as I please. I have a new husband who encourages and celebrates everything I achieve. We have more fun on a walk on the beach at Robin Hoods Bay than I ever had treading on eggshells being called a fat, useless bitch in a five star luxury hotel in Dubai. I want the same happiness for you.

@Jeanhatchet thank you so much for taking the time to write and share your experience. I am happy that you found peace & happiness. I watched the video and i will certainly read that book.

He has booked a course of 6 couples therapy sessions. i do want to continue with these to see if the marriage is worth saving at all. and I would like answers for his behaviour.

For now i am trying to focus on keeping the home a happy place for the children, taking each day but dreaming and praying for a happy future. Thank you and God bless X

Leave.

Be wary with the couples counselling. It is not recommended where there is abuse. And Jeanhatchet is correct to call your husband’s behaviour abuse.

The names he chose to call you are degrading to women and abusive, and he threatened to hit you and then threw something at you. This is part of a larger pattern of behaviour. Answers for his behaviour? He saw fit to abuse his wife because he thought he was entitled to. It is no more complicated than that. It is not because you threw away food or he had been drinking. It is because he thought he could, so he did.

Make sure you have a way out - that you have access to money of your own and you can call women’s aid services or someone who will help you if and when you need it.

OP.

Just wanted to post this to bear in mind:

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

The crux is that abuse is not a relationship issue to be fixed by therapy.

As for the frequency of your OH's outbursts, I don't know if that matters so much as how you feel in the relationship. That can be hard to parse out, I think, when we're in a relationship that's coloured by fear and uncertainty, when there's abuse, when we're worn down and so used to being undermined that we think it's us that's the problem - it's hard to recognise our own feelings.

Wishing you all the best. Take good care of yourself, and I hope you find your way to that happy future.

He threatened to hit you? That's a clear leave the bastard. (The cunt/whore alone would be for me - but threatening violence makes it a "leave right now as an emergency" situation.)

I wouldn't leave over the name calling as we can both be guilty of it - I would be out the door the second he raised a fist though. That's unforgivable and never going to get better. Leave him before it progresses. He's also thrown something at you. That IS assault. Sorry but you have to leave him

I don't know if this might be helpful OP.

jeanhatchet.blogspot.com/2020/06/how-did-you-leave-abusive-relationship.html

The others are absolutely right. Couples counselling is not recommended. It's tough because you want it to work I know. It's sad going through the counselling where he will perform for a while and then find a reason not to go. Or he may use it to get you to "share the blame" for his abuse.

Caveat: I'm not a professional and know incredibly little about abusive situations. So the smartest thing is probably to ignore me.

What I wanted to argue for is that humans can change. If, if if if, he shows any signs of it. If he uses the couples therapy to "share" blame, that's another red flag to add to the fist crap. But if he uses it to stop drinking (since he obviously loses his mind when he does), and he uses it to really try to understand where he's going wrong, then maybe it's worth considering. Especially if you're otherwise happy. If. Very important, of course, not to be fooling yourself. The huge work of undoing all the strands of a life together can make you want not to even think about it.

quixote9
Couples counselling isn't going to stop him drinking if he has a drink problem.
And even if he has a drink problem, he's being abusive by choice, there's nothing in a can of beer that makes a man violent or aggressive, it's a conscious choice.
Nobody loses their mind when they drink, their inhibitions are lowered, that's all.

Lundy Bancroft covers this much better than I can - basically all the men who claimed to have been "out of control" never are, and as others have stated, the issue is that they feel entitled to abuse their partners.

'he thought he could, so he did'.

Perfect description.

And now he's done it, he'll do it again.

And it will get worse.

While NAMALT, sadly SMALT.

The transwidows' accounts of therapists colluding with their husbands and pressurising them to accept they're in the wrong suggests the therapy isn't the answer. Especially not when he chose the therapist himself without consulting you.

Having been there and got the t shirt I recommend you quietly make practical plans . Make sure you have access to money he doesn’t have access to you; if necessary set up a new bank account. Copy house keys. Source a safe place if you have to leave. Get recommendations for good legal advice. Don’t take any shit; the fact you’re questioning it to the extent of posting on here is all I need to hear . This is abuse. Good luck

i started to make concrete plans to leave my husband when he called me a cunt. it was game over for me.

I couldn't. It's too contemptuous. & every time he wants to have sex with you it'll be there, in your mind. You will feel like rubbish and won't want him to touch you but may feel you should let him anyway. There's no getting beyond that kind of name-calling. It is of course up to you whether you stay or not but I do think eventually, you won't want to.

You don't need couples therapy - you need solo therapy just for you, so as to explore your feelings. Not have him with you in couples therapy trying to justify himself. There is no justification for what he said, the words he actively chose to use. Some men think by booking therapy they're somehow redeeming themselves, showing you how 'good' they now are. Others use the info gained in therapy to throw back at you ie whatever he feels therapist may have blamed him for, he will say is your fault/therapist meant to you really.

Tell him you're going to therapy alone initially. See what he says...

Make the best choice for you. Good luck.