How to teach a 4 year old boy about equality/equipoise

[LynnThese4reSEXPEOPLE]

Just that really. Over the past few weeks, DS (4.5) has been coming out with some things (presumably from other children at nursery) e.g. pink is for girls, building/truck driving are men's jobs etc. He isn't getting it from DH and there isn't really anywhere else he might learn it. I tell him that there are no "boys things" and "girls things" and that the only thing boys can do that girls can't is wee standing up! Seriously though, are there any good books/films/resources that might help me nip this in the bud? We try and model gender equality at home.

Well the good news (Lise Elliott's excellent Pink Brain, Blue Brain, which is a book debunking dubious shit about brain sex differences, written by a neuroscientist) is that while all children tend to go through a developmental stage of what might be called "gender policing" (pink is for girls, only boys can play football), the more egalitarian you are at home, the later your child typically goes into this phase and the sooner he or she comes out of it. (My DS probably did about 6 or 8 months of this, aged about 5).

It sounds like you're already doing a lot of the right things - emphasising that there are no "girls toys" or "boys toys", just the sort of toys that interest you.

I also found google image search was my friend. If DS came home from school saying "boys/girls can't do X" you could do a quick search and show him lots of pictures of boys or girls doing precisely X. (I think "Girls can't be soldiers" was one of them...)

Just heading for teens, DS seems reasonably okay now! (Next battle: the accessibility of online porn during puberty... urgh. Now that one terrifies me. If anyone has any tips on that one, send 'em this way, please.)

@CaraDune that is really heartening. Especially as I have another boy and will probably go through all this again in about 3.5 years!

It does help that I do the same job (broadly) as my husband. I feel a bit sad that even in the 21st century he's picking up this crap!

‘Cinderella ate my daughter’ is an oldie but goodie about childhood development and notes gender policing too.
Gentle questioning is perfect though - if you hear ds say trucks are for boys, it’s fine to ask him if that means mummy can’t play, or oh, but mummy has a nice car? Sisters are helpful in this regard as a good dressing up box full of pink that grandma has bought gets used by everyone. Pointing out reality is a big help. But daddy cooks/ pushed you in the buggy/ baths you/ looks after you? Why are dollies girl toys if they are playing mummies but dollies aren’t boys toys if they are playing daddies? Anyone can look after babies.

@prolefeed I am lucky in that he sees DH look after his baby brother. There won't be any sisters now, but he does have a lot of little female friends so I'll encourage that post lockdown

Yes, sorry, wasn’t necessarily advocating more kids! Just thinking what had abolished gender norms here, and that’s easily replicated by visiting friends with girls etc.

@prolefeed don't worry I got what you meant! He does have a lot of female friends of the same age and I think questioning "Well do you think X could be a truck driver?" might be a really good way to help him understand si thank you!

DS1 (now 7) went through this phase. I questioned and gently rebutted. Now DS2 is 4 and going through it and DS1 keeps telling him that there's no such thing as 'girls' toys' and everyone can like pink. Try not to worry!