A (very small) victory, thanks to FWR

[cheeseismydownfall]

My two younger children attend an excellent state village primary school, lead by an experienced, sensible female headteacher.

Since the beginning of lock down, the school has focused heavily on the #bekind message, with lots of arts and crafts activities and messages from the teaching staff on the importance of 'being kind'. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to question this - it seems such a simple, innocent message, right? - until my eyes have been opened over recent weeks to how messaging such as this, without proper context, can undermine a child's confidence in dealing with right and wrong, and, more seriously, matters of consent and abuse. And how important it is that we teach both girls and boys that their feelings count too, and that they should not always be worrying about 'being kind'.

Yesterday I finally got the courage to email the headteacher explaining my concerns around this. This is very unlike me - I don't like confrontation (I know, I know) especially if it feels like I am contradicting someone with more expertise than me. But she emailed me back almost directly and said that she both 'heard and agreed' with my view, and that from next week they would be refocusing the message on safety, right and wrong, and having the confidence to speak up.

So, from Monday, 200 children will be being told that it is OK to think critically about matters of right and wrong, and to stand up for themselves.

I know that this isn't directly related to the more divisive issues being discussed and fought by the women on this board, but it feels like part of the backdrop of challenging the blind acceptance of popular messaging and encouraging children to think for themselves.

I spoke to DH about it (he has previously been a school governor) and he said that when parents raise concerns like this, it can be hugely helpful for the school who may actually already be wanting to challenge the current prescribed ideology, but lack the evidence that it is what the majority of parents want.

So, thank you to the wise women of FWR for opening my eyes and giving me the confidence to start speaking our, albeit in a very small way.

Well done

That’s brilliant! OP, would you feel able to share any of the wording you used? Entirely appreciate you may not want to do this as it could be outing.

sorry, that came across as if I was disagreeing with you - I was meaning that I absolutely agree it needs to be unpicked!

cheeseismydownfall It didn't at all, no need for apologies.
We are very much on the same page.

Well done OP and I completely agree with you.

I try to impress on my DC that sometimes the most important person to be kind to is themselves. So if someone is asking them to do something that makes them feel wrong or sad etc then they must be kind to themselves and say no.

I think that’s a fantastic achievement OP. It’s good news, small steps and all that 👍🏻

Well done!

@Pigeonfaces, I'll PM it to you!

OP you are brave and stunning. Isn't it great to be able to meaningfully say this?

Well done! Very complex issue, and it's why slogans aren't good for complex messages.

Brava OP!

Brilliant! I dislike the #bekind thing for so many reasons. I wonder who's responsible for starting it?

I don’t know where it started but it gained a lot of traction after Caroline Flack’s death. I go back and forth on it as a message, it’s too simple - aside from the obvious risks of putting someone else’s needs above your own without question or analysis, sometimes being kind to someone isn’t the same as doing what they want you to do. That’s why “being cruel to be kind” is a well known phrase!

Well done OP & I think it's a good response from the head. Our head would immediately be defensive and dismissive so if I were you, I'd take it as a big win

Agree that 'be kind' is too reductive sometimes. We need to encourage children to think bigger.

Fantastic

"Boundaries are not unkind"

Bravo!

"Boundaries are not unkind"

Absolutely

Excellent work op

I have tried to explain similar to my children. That its ok to agree it disagree and have questions and doing so is not unkind. What's potentially unkind is how you deal with that. So be respectful and polite even if you disagree.

More so now than ever #bekind seems to mean shut up sit back and take it. Not something girls should grow up to have to do. To sacrifice their boundaries to appease men.

If people fly off the handle at a simple polite question it's on them to grow up and deal with their issues not everyone else to pretend they agree.

You did really well op.

twitter.com/TatsuyaIshida9/status/1272038626067505152?s=20

I think it is really amazing that you did it, and got a positive response.

The "be kind" response is young politics is very strong. eg Extinction Rebellion, which has a large element of affirmative parenting. Which spreads to people saying you cant criticise Greta Thunberg. I dont mean as an individual, but you might want to question her analysis.

It's also perpetuated in the Mutual Aid movement, which had and is doing many acts of kindness during lockdown, but can easily slip over into what makes the self appointed giver feel good. eg thinking they can personally resolve what is happening to a woman in an abusive situation instead of thinking what is her escape route.

And we know that many women feel we should be "kind" to the trans community.

I am not trying to derail the issue in school, but would hope that offering a more critical view point to young children will help them as adults feel able to stand up to group think and peer pressure.

So you are helping create better future adults!!

Well done OP, and also well done the head who listened and made a change.

I don’t have much to add to this, but just wanted to congratulate you. My child isn’t of school age and I, like you, struggle with confrontation. But I’ve been questioning the status quo for a little while now, and the thought of her being taught the complete opposite of how we as a household run and what we believe is worrying. Well done for putting your points across to your children’s school with such eloquence they have taken the notice and steps necessary to resolve this.

Good work OP and great that the HT is sensible and supportive. I'm in midwifery where we hear the "be kind" message constantly. I recently watched an online discussion on "toxic kindness" with Abuela Doula, who is a Black doula and birth justice advocate, about how "kindness" in the birth world is also used to allow a culture where we excuse bullying, lateral violence and injustice, not to mention personal burnout. It really shifted my thinking.

Well done for that. It IS very important.

Well done OP.

This is excellent OP, I battle with finding balance with "be kind" because my little one has been bullied by a child who has learning difficulties and whilst I don't want him to treat him differently and build up a prejudice about kids who are a bit different - but I also don't want him to be asked to play with kids who hit him! He is allowed to have boundaries and these should be respected.

As a little girl I was made to sit next to boys in class I didn't like to help them with their education. I was seen to be a good influence but this wasn't fair to me as it was a responsibility I didn't want and it hindered my learning as he distracted me and got me into trouble!

It's really important to get the message right and I'll be keeping a close eye on this, this is something can can easily go too far.

Well done for speaking up, I'd also love a PM with your email text xx