Anger towards men

[1ForAllnAllFor1]

When you find out about misogyny and all the ways you have been silently mistreated and you finally find your voice,

How do you manage to dissuade yourself from directing your anger at the men in your life who are obviously all somehow affected by misogyny one way or another ?

Bump

Lesbianism. I recommend it.

Hmmm I don’t think sexual orientation has anything to do with this

You have to unpack your own conditioning before you try to unpack theirs.

I've always had men - family, friends, colleagues - in my life who are good men.

That's how for me.

I was thinking about this yesterday, especially with all the white men wading in to the JK Rowling debate.

Most men just don't understand or even want to, I am getting ranty all the time which is not helpful

I am getting ranty all the time which is not helpful

Ditto

I attribute it to prevalence rather than an inherent trait in all those individuals, this goes for any involuntary demographic that I feel has wronged me. I don't remember the exact quote but it was approximately "none more or less responsible for thine fellow sinners as thine fellow saints".

I think the issue of deserved/undeserved anger is a deflection. It's a way of being able to repress the very uncomfortable feelings of anger at men we love. Even good men benefit, unthinkingly, from patriarchal norms.

That doesn't mean I think ranting or abuse at 'good men' is OK. Men are human; they're not our psychic punching bags.

But I do think it might be better to just process, with other women or with another woman, the anger, without needing to separate it out into 'justified/unjustified'. Just experience the quality of your anger in a safe environment, maybe.

Anger is hard emotion for many girls and women, because it runs counter to our cultural conditioning.

Another way of saying it is that it feels oceanic because you're repressing it, thinking about how to control it, how to protect others from it - and forgetting that your EMOTION of anger can't do any harm to anyone. You don't need to act any particular way on your emotion, and can choose to act in a pro-social manner, even on intense emotion.

If you stop adding energy to the emotion in the form of all these cognitive caveats, and simply experience and express it in a safe environment, you might find it's not so oceanic. Maybe it's a lake. Or a stream. Or a broad but shallow river. Or maybe it storms, but then the storm is over. Kwim? Maybe it's life giving, and not destructive.

I've always had men - family, friends, colleagues - in my life who are good men.

Me too but I’m insanely envious of their Male privilege. Simply because I feel outcompeted in everything in life because they don’t have as much obstacles.

I think deep down I expect them to make up for that, am I thinking of this in a selfish way?

Melia100

Your words are so soothing! I wish I knew how to put it into practice.

I was never an angry person but once I discovered my anger I don’t know what to do with it.

I was never an angry person but once I discovered my anger I don’t know what to do with it.

Oh, I'm in a torrent of rage an awful lot of the time. It's targeted, however.

I don’t have the energy to hate or be angry. It’s really not productive and does nothing to counter sexism.

I think to call them out on any misogynistic views is a start.
So for example whilst watching a film "interesting isn't it , how there are no female leads in this this film, it's as if women can't be police offices/university lecturers/exploreres/doctors or whatever. I think the best way is to drip drip it into every day life causing men to question it too.

Most men just don't understand or even want to, I am getting ranty all the time which is not helpful

Same here, It's becoming an issue

Well, I can either waste time being angry and allow it to make me bitter, or I can go out and enjoy my freedom.

I chose that latter, it’s bliss.

Letting the anger fester is allowing the whole controlling male thing to spoil more years and I refuse to do that.

But I do think it might be better to just process, with other women or with another woman, the anger, without needing to separate it out into 'justified/unjustified'.

Seconding everything Melia has said, but this in particular.

You can rant in men's presence, but it doesn't often help them to get it - it just plays into negative stereotypes so they can dismiss it. It's a damned sight more cathartic to rant with women who actually get it because they're living it too.

I just tell my OH instantly when he's talking shit. He's gone from saying my feminism was 'a chip on my shoulder' with largely agreeing with me about most of it and sharing my indignation at TRA bs. He also does all the cooking and a lot of the housework, and seems as happy as Larry.

I got divorced.

And I come here.

once I discovered my anger I don’t know what to do with it

It's just a form of intense energy.

And there are lots of ways to use intense energy, from the political - which MP am I writing to about a womens/girls issue today? - to the practical - I'm getting my financial shit in order - to the emotional - I'm journalling/seeing a therapist - to the physical - I'm running/lifting weights/learning self defence - to the creative - I'm writing/painting/sculpting/weaving to the community - I'm working with other women to do X, Y or Z.

Melia100

I’m gonna print and hang that list. Thank you so much this is what I needed to hear.

A very unmumsnetty hug. I honestly feel you have opened my eyes and given me direction.

1ForAll

I'm really glad it helped.

I should probably take my own advice sometime :)