How do you keep going?

[Oloves]

So I'm 23 and I'm at the point where I think I have fully realised, and it's getting affirmed more and more every bloody day, that as a woman my opinion, comfort and safety are basically irrelevant when someone with a penis wants something. And I'm getting completely fing sick of it.

It seems like it just comes from all angles all the time, whether it's men treating me abhorrently in regards to sex and relationships, letting agents only replying to my male housemates emails, creepy men making me uncomfortable at work or basically anywhere in public, then there's the whole TRAs bullying and threatening violence to silence women and force themselves into spaces and sex-based protections specifically designed to protect women from male violence, which is just completely cracked.

The worst part is I know I'm young. I know that as I get older it will get worse and raise its head in ways I can't even imagine right now. I know this is just the start of being treated awfully just for having a female body and I don't know how to face that. I can already start to feel myself getting bitter, resentful and distrusting and I really don't want that because that's just not me.

Basically how do you get through it without going completely screaming mad, becoming someone you really don't want to be, or moving to the woods and becoming a hermit? because I feel like I just can't get away from it and it's going to be one of the three fairly soon

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself.

Honestly? As JKR said, it's worse now than at any time in my life (I'm 62). In the old day of feminism, we didn't have to contend with people demanding a belief system that was akin to a religious cult.

Stay around - the women here are great and will get you through.

I won't lie, it gets rough if you have children (although for many that's the time they find their voice!) Generally though, people care less about other people's opinions as they age. Although I'm early thirties and in the midst of tiny children stage so it does feel pretty relentless at times!

Take a step back sometimes. Look at nature and have a moment to breathe.

I agree with New but you know OP, it's encouraging to hear from women like you, young and fed up and ready to fight.

Scream, get mad but get involved and do something.

Do you have some like-minded friends? I'm not suggesting you build an echo chamber but find some people you can talk to in real life who are empathetic and aren't going to shout at you for dissenting opinion. Twitter can block, ban and delete but it's not really life, in real life conversation no one is coming for you for committing a hate crime...yet!

There is so much you can do, find some groups you can join or charities you can help.

It might get worse before it gets better but at 23 you might actually live to see this do a 180 and go back to what used to be normal life!

It doesn't get continuously worse as you get older. It peaks when/ if you get pregnant and have young children (or even if you don't this impacts you because as you approach 30 employers etc. expect you to get pregnant at any moment and you are regarded as uncommitted to the job just for having the potential to go on maternity leave at some point). I assume the exact age this happens varies a bit according to what age is typical for people in your area/ career to start a family - so it might start at 25 or not until 34, but it will kick in and last a decade or so.

Once you are deamed unlikely to get pregnant due to age it wears off though...

Take it one day at a time. Savour the small victories and enjoy the new friendships with like-minded women.

Probably stay off twitter, or at least don't make it easy to check all the time; it is an anger and rage generator.

Prioritize your mental health. That will mean different things to different women, (I thrive with regular yoga, coffee and sarcasm) but one of the keys is female friendship and support.
One of the most damaging things to anyone is the sense of being alone, be it in a political fight, or being up at 3am with a screaming baby.

That's one of the reasons Mumsnet is such a force to be reckoned with, because it's a collective of mainly women who help each other through, in all sorts of different ways.

I cannot fully express the liberation of being in an exclusive female space, where the focus is solely on women, where there are no men ready to shift the dynamic back to themselves. So I would encourage you to seek out those spaces, build them yourself if you can, because it's honestly life changing.

Oh god yes, and never go on Twitter. I'm already on my 17th movement for it's destruction. Our Lady is really slacking on ending it.

Novena not movement. Damned non-catholic autocorrect.

I have the moving to the woods to become a hermit fantasy too.
I agree about staying off Twitter when it all gets too much. It's also true you get less concerned with other people's opinions as you get older.
I try to focus on what feminism has gained. About what past generations have gained for us, and about what our generation in turn will gain for the ones after us. We won't have equality in our lifetimes - possibly never - and there is always a backlash, but at least we aren't being burnt as witches anymore. We aren't being forbidden from owning our own property or divorcing.
It is shit at the moment though. The last few days have really hammered it home.

I lie awake every night (thanks, insomnia) and this is one of the things that goes round and round in my head, getting me more and more stressed.

I have FB friends who have swallowed the Kool-Aid, and see posts about TERFs, and it just makes me sick inside.

I do what I can - I share posts from GC FB groups and individuals - but I am so scared of the backlash, and of what happens in the future to these poor kids who are being told they are not perfect as they are and that they can change into the other sex - completely - not a reasonable facsimile - but a real woman or a real man.

You have articulated my feelings very well, @Oloves - thank you.

It's good to take a step back, take a deep breath etc when things start to feel overwhelming. It can help to minimise time spent on social media - if there is a lot of depressing and disappointing news to read through, it can start to bring you down. We all need breaks to keep our sanity in check.

There are some things in life we have control over and others where we don't, or don't have as much control as we'd like. It can help to pick and choose your battles.

If a partner is being crap in a relationship, he is responsible for his behaviour, but you should feel able to walk away if he isn't willing to treat you with respect. It's hard ending relationships when you are emotionally invested, but it's important that women are able to exert their agency in relationships.

Are your male housemates aware that the letting agent ignores your emails and replies to theirs? If they are aware and they are decent guys, they should respond to the letting agent in a way that indicates that he should be discussing this with you since you were the one that emailed first.

I'm concerned about men at your work making you feel uncomfortable. I know it's never easy for women to raise these issues and sometimes they get blamed for it as well, but it might be worth checking your HR policy on harassment and what is the procedure for addressing these kinds of problems. You shouldn't have to deal with such unprofessional and sexist behaviour at work - or elsewhere for that matter but at least there are codes of conduct in an office.

Things don't necessarily have to get worse as you get older. It's not an inevitable default. No one knows how their life will turn out and sometimes things can get harder if you have children in terms of free time, career progression and so on.
You may find a great, supportive partner and have a happy, prosperous life with or without children.
As you get older, you care less about other people's opinions, are usually more secure in yourself and less willing to put up with bullshit. That can improve your life overall.

Life can be frustrating and unfair at times and it helps to have like minded friends you can rant away to and seek support from.
Bigger issues like the trans stuff will be solved by women from a wide range of backgrounds coming together. Usually I would encourage you to attend one of the women's rights events, but given the circumstances I doubt we will be able to have public gatherings for a while. Online spaces like this are a good place to let off steam, laugh about stuff or vent.

Life can suck at times, but there are also good things about it too. It's important not to forget that and look for things to cherish and be positive about. You have lots of years ahead of you.

The last few days have been mad online so at 5pm I'm going to take a break from all social media for my mental health.

This is also apt:
entertainment.theonion.com/woman-takes-short-half-hour-break-from-being-feminist-t-1819576049

Part of what makes it better is realising not all young women have swallowed the myth so thank-you

Not much consolation at your age but becoming sexually invisible to men at menopause is absofuckingfabulous

Call it out when you can make an impact especially when you have economic clout. I wrote to a car dealership pointing out it was me making the decision on the expensive car not my husband and I would not be buying from them due to the sexist patronising behaviour of their car salesman. He did get reprimanded. A small victory but worth it. I've also made it clear to the garage we use for servicing that the reason we've been with them for 30 years is the respectful way they treat female customers.

I let many go for my sanity as you can't fight them all

Value yourself, walk away from relationships if you have to. Really make sure the father of any children, if you have them, is as decent to women as you can, as you are tied to him through your children even if you split up and he also influences their attitudes

Surround yourself with supportive female friends of all ages

It will get better

I'm the same age as you and I totally relate to what you're saying. It's important to keep going even if things are tough. It's upsetting to see everything that has been worked towards for over 100 years dismantled before our very eyes, but not everyone is falling for it. Twitter nutters do not speak for you, me and the rest of the population that still has a few brain cells left. I like this part of Mumsnet but the relationship thread makes me want to throw up most of the time. All the excuses being made for men and someone coming in to NAMALT all over the place.

I hate Reddit most of the time because it tends to be dominated by men/an m*a cesspit but I recommend looking at PinkPillFeminism. That subreddit is great and doesn't beat around the bush on male nature.