"self-identifying women and non-binary people"

[Focusanddetermination]

I recently attended a networking event online for women in my sector, or so I thought. They state their aim is to increase the speed of equality for women within this sector. To have meaningful conversations and ask the big questions. Then next announced that their audience is "self-identifying women and non-binary people".

Except I don't feel I'm either of those. I'm a woman, I don't self-identify as a woman or anything else. And most, not all, of the attendees are people I would expect to call women. I felt so insulted, and tempted to write in the chat something to this effect and 'I'll be off then' . Except if I do that, I don't gain professionally from this network, and I might see a backlash professionally, even personally. I'm essentially too scared to say anything.

What do you all do in this situation - suck it up, try not to care as much, not attend future events held by this group, say something and risk the repercussions?

It's hard, isn't it? Women who don't buy into identity politics are effectively excluded from certain spheres unless they play along. I've had to bite my tongue many times.

Ultimately, I think it's case of choosing your battles. Long term, what will help to bring the issues into the sunlight?

Easy to say, but avoiding 'purity spirals' is a good idea - hold to your principles but dont' worry about the small details if you can. I err on the side of silence when unsure - when asked my pronouns, for example, I just put a dash or ignore the question, rather than getting into long discussions.

Then, ask questions at the right time. Refuse to go along with anything that comprimises your principles. Its a matter of assessing the cost/benefit for every action. Sometimes, movements 'behind the scenes' like writing to an MP or responding to a consultation will be far less visible, but far more effective. We tend to feel now that big declarations on social media are the peak of things - I think that's probably a huge mistake. Social media follows and responds to events, shapes them to an extent. But there are far larger, more slow moving and powerful movements that have no public face - talking to people, letter writing, raising children, working in the community, etc. Some of us can be the shiny peaks, some of us can be the iceberg underwater. It all helps.

There will be times when you feel you want to take a stand - that doesn't have to be every time, and you don't have to accept every invitation to an argument. This is not going to be an issue that's quickly and decisively resolved, I think. It's going to take many years. So - pace yourself!

I've been planning to look into non-violent communication to work out better ways of discussing things with people that avoid stooshies, and might be more likely to have genuinely productive outcomes. I think it's worth looking into emotional regulation and ways to stay calm - so that I can respond rather than react, if that makes sense.

Thank you.