Attractive men can’t be creepy or abusive, apparently

[Dyrne]

Just come here to rant.

Someone shared a “cute” and “romantic” post on our neighbourhood fb page of a man trying to find a “girl” he met on a night out. Apparently they had a deep and meaningful connection but he somehow failed to get even her name, let alone her number.

Lots of posts of “OMG how romantic we HAVE to help him find her!!!”

A couple of posters recommended caution about sharing; as this is a tactic abusers use to find women who have escaped them; and others have pointed out that if the woman really felt such a deep and meaningful connection then she’d have given him her number, and maybe there’s a good reason she didn’t.

Cue cries of “how ridiculous!” And “if this was the other way round and a woman trying to find a man you wouldn’t be saying that!” (Um, ok, maybe when 2 men a week are killed by women the same caution will be recommended?)

The main thing is, the guy is extremely attractive - lovely black and white photo, tidy beard, cute smile. You just know if the bloke was short, fat, and balding there’d be cries of “creep!!”

Many women considered Ted Bundy to be quite the handsome man.

that is ridiculous. It is just like those jerks who tell that we wouldn't mind if it was George Clooney doing the stalking. Yes, we would actually. For most women the survival instinct doesn't get disabled just because someone is good-looking

I do think we tolerate or even accept behaviour from very attractive people, that we wouldn't from those who are ugly. It's not just a woman thing, men do it too. We tend to trust attractive people more, or view them as less threatening, more likely to believe what they say etc. Stories and films always portray villains and baddies as ugly or with scars or grotesque. Heroes and heroines are always beautiful and easy on the eye - even when attempts are made to downplay their attractiveness, like wearing glasses.

Of course an attractive person can be just as likely as an ugly person to be devious or manipulative or abusive, and it's never a bad idea to be cautious. However, there does seem to be a strong biological as well as cultural / conditioned response towards attractiveness that is hard to deny.

I know if a handsome man approached me to ask for my number or strike up a conversation, I'd be far more likely to engage with him than someone I found unattractive or ugly. And if I had a lovely interaction with someone I fancied and he attempted to contact me, I'd be pleased instead of alarmed.

It's tough to get people to understand that helping someone locate a woman isn't necessarily a good idea. I certainly wouldn't assist someone I didn't know track down a person on social media.

Halo effect.

And, yes, I totally agree, OP.

I just seriously considered being stalked by George Clooney, and creeped myself out. The idea that stalking by anyone could be in anyway positive could only come from someone who's never experienced it.
(and I have no previous negative thoughts about George Clooney, think he's rather nice)

The man who masturbated at me on the tube was very attractive.

People often just don't think about the nefarious possibilities. They have romantic ideas. Maybe they have at some time wanted to track down someone they met and then couldn't find, with totally innocent motives.

It's certainly true that normal seeming and attractive people are less likely to make people wary. I suppose part of that is people think it's likely that someone might be pleased to have a normal and attractive person interested in them. But in general, it's very difficult not to respond better to someone like that.

Maybe because people also tend to believe that people who seem creepy or off are really likely weird creeps? No one likes to think their weirdo radar is probably off, or that they may have treated people badly who were just odd, or people well who were nasty.

Some of the creepiest men I have come across have been very good looking. They tend to be the 'birthright' sort...

The MRA claim used to be the women wouldn't mind if it were Brad Pitt.

Yeah, d00dz, we would.

The main thing is, the guy is extremely attractive - lovely black and white photo, tidy beard, cute smile.

And probably looks nothing like the photo which he may well have cut and pasted from somewhere?

Absolute rubbish. Superficially attractive men can be extremely UNattractive in real life (same with women); you have to get to know someone quite well before jumping in at the deep end.

I think popular culture reinforces this myth as well. All those movies where couples meet and he spends the entire film wearing her down until eventually she can't resist his charm and persistence, and what do you know, it turns out that she secretly liked him all along.

Whereas in real life, anyone who has been on the receiving end of persistent unwanted attention finds it annoying and often upsetting.

Agree OP

People should not be encouraging men to stalk and track down women especially ones whose contact details they 'somehow failed' to get.

Yes - Ted Bundy

I agree OP, also when someone is young, handsome and flirty realise that in 30 years if you still think you are Gods gift you will be considered the dirty old man!

I always thought that when reading the shades of grey books, had the main character been ugly and poor they would have probably been in the crime section...

Jeffrey Dahmer was a good looking man too.

A lot of so called romantic movies and books with handsome and normally rich creepy characters would be a criminal minds episode if the bloke was poor and unattractive.

Remember that ugly women don't get raped. Only attractive women get raped. Ugly women should be grateful for the attention.

@TehBewilderness

The MRA claim used to be the women wouldn't mind if it were Brad Pitt.

Yeah, d00dz, we would.

Yep, and as other PPs have said Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer among others were very physically attractive, didn't stop them being sick fuckers (can you imagine if they'd been around now to have access to Tinder and Grindr?)

Honestly, I thought we'd had social media long enough now to understand what we see isn't what we get and at times it can be fucking dangerous.

@ShinyFootball I'm sorry that happened to you

I have spent part of the day wondering if the concept of romantic love is just another way of control*.

There's hormones, libido, beer goggles, broodiness etc and they all lead us down the garden path. It puts a gloss on a lot of banal things.

*and making money- books, films, weddings, solicitors, bars, clothes shops, etc - where would they all be without it?

Oh thanks DrDavidBanner I wasn't expecting that!

Are you david rather than Bruce because of the bill Bixby series, if you don't mind me asking

The creepiest and weirdest man in my acquaintance is very handsome and gets a lot of female attention in the first instance.
It never lasts they run for the hills after the second third or fourth time.
He once turned up uninvited at woman's house. They'd got talking on a dog walk. He couldn't understand why banging on her door and explaining that he'd worked out where she lived and he was calling to see if she wanted to go walking with dogs freaked her out!
In his head he is the epitome of male attractiveness and she should have been grateful. He's the sort of man you notice at first glance I guess as he is tall darl handsome.
Disclaimer my friend dated him after fancying him from afar for a while. She dumped him a few dates in when his weirdness manifested itself. Creep! That's how I know about the dog walker. She told my friend.
Looks are deceptive and as any safeguarding training shows us. Many abusers are charismatic and charming...

@ShinyFootball Ah yes!!! The original and best