Are you taken less seriously than men? Contribute to my book.

[MASieghart]

Hi. I'm writing a book called The Authority Gap about how and why women are taken less seriously than men. Basically, people assume that a man knows what he's talking about until he proves otherwise, while for women it's all too often the other way round. Our expertise is questioned more, people listen to us less attentively, they interrupt us more, and they often feel uncomfortable when we are in positions of authority.

I'd love to hear your experiences of this and to quote them in the book (happy to change your name if you like). Btw, it's something that women, as well as men, do to other women. We've all been brought up with the same outdated stereotypes and it's hard to shake them off.

Please tell me your stories. Cheers!

One very vivid memory. Sitting round a table , half a dozen men and me, as usual. Discussion raging, I am trying to get my points across. Every question is being asked to my boss, who eventually gets fed up

"You are sitting in the room with the world expert on this, talk to her"

Thanks so much! Just what I'm looking for. It would be helpful if anyone contributing stories here could tell me their job too, just to put it in context.

Would STEM based researcher in industry suffice? Sort of vague, but there are not many of me!

I've been working in a male dominated industry all my working life - here is one example...

I was a trainer for Unix Systems Programming at the age of 30. So for the first morning, the delegates would be, they admitted, wondering how I could know what I seemed to know. Unlike my peers, they'd ask a lot of questions about me, my experience, etc., during the first break, and admit to be focusing on that. But, by Friday, at review time, I'd get good grades from them, very good, in most cases.

I am often over-talked and many guys think they need to educate me, when I could educate them. Many seem to be very dubious about my skills at the start. But then later very complementary, whereas a lot of guys on the same situation/job get neither the doubt nor the compliments. I get a lot of "well done"s, whereas my male colleagues don't.

But, I let it all wash over me. I just focus on what I'm paid to do and not what they think. I'm immune to it.

It's the micro-moments. The times I have been the most senior member of staff in the room, yet still expected to make the tea. The fun occasions when I had a male PA and people assumed I worked for him, the time I looked at a new car and the salesman wanted to talk to my Husband, the berk who asked if I wanted the spark plugs cleaned when I took my electric car for an MOT...

My bloody Mother, deferring to a male healthcare assistant over medication, in an area I am a specialist nurse for.

but mostly being irrelevant, because I have a vagina and now I have the temerity to be over 50 as well I am of no consequence whatsoever.

This is a very interesting topic and captured in memes like "mansplaining" which started life when a man tried to explain to an author of a book, what her book was about.

I'm also reminded of this incident
www.google.com/amp/s/m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_593a3153e4b0c5a35c9e0d81/amp

There's also the meme
"That's an excellent suggestion Ms Triggs, perhaps a man here would like to make it" cartoon of a boardroom, easy to find.

All of these things exist for a reason, they describe common experiences that women can relate to.

Personally, and I know your thread isn't about this sort of thing specifically, but maybe it's related in a way, I'm thinking of my experience of being a victim of sexual abuse, I was simply not taken seriously at all.
It was dismissed by almost everyone as either not that serious, didn't actually happen, or it was my own fault for basically behaving like a normal polite human in the company of a man who turned out to be a sex abuser.

Perhaps the attitude that women don't know what they're talking about leads to a lot of opportunities for men to get away with abusing women. It is undoubtedly prevalent in our society.

I was once talked over on a subject I was the UK expert on by Will Hutton and Andrew Marr. I had been working very closely with the then Chancellor of the Exchequer on this issue and it was the policy topic of the day. They launched into a debate on the topic - it was like watching two antlers clash horns - and I stood there waiting for them to ask me what was going on since they both knew my background. I watched in amazement as they just pointlessly tussled each other with no relevant knowledge. It was the fact that they were journalists that shocked me more than anything. More interested in beating each other than in finding out the truth from the person standing right beside them who was at the event because of their knowledge. I walked away knowing they were both wrong and had had the opportunity to get informed but preferred to do the ego thing instead.

There’s also the time I listened incredulously to my two male partners explain to each other what it’s like to have an amniocentesis. I was the only other person in the room. I’ve had two and they know that. They are both great and we are all friends - but again the ego - particularly when transmitting to other men - overrides everything.

Incidentally I’m quite forthright and have no problem speaking up. In both these cases I was in awe at the lack of self awareness on display. It was almost like watching a nature documentary !

One tip on this - never stand near the badges at a conference. You’ll get asked where the toilets are all day

I'm a female executive in STEM, so: far too many to remember. But this one's from quite early on in my career and it's stayed with me as a mostly positive experience of a prejudiced male colleague actually recognising that he was wrong and changing his tune:

Colleague, who I worked with on a bit of a mission impossible client project, admitted to mentally pidgeonholing me as "the designated diversity factor: young, pretty, a girl, arguably useless" when we first met. To his credit, he told me this in the context of an explanation of why he was not going for the team lead position and was backing me instead because "about a week later, I realised that you were the toughest and the smartest of the whole team - and I felt like a Neanderthal for having assumed based on your appearance."

He's still a casual friend. I actually really appreciate him for his honesty. Countless similar things have happened to me since, but never again has a man had the personal grandeur to admit he was being sexist and apologise.

I was in a meeting about a subject that I am an expert on. I was the only woman. I had a cold. At one point I had the temerity to point out I was the expert. A senior to me male mocked my snuffly voice and they all carried on.

I have noticed throughout my life that when I state a fact about something men will double check it on google before believing me. I notice they don't do it with men. When men make statements I find they are automatically assumed to be correct.

I had a male boss who just assumed that because I was female and had come from a team run by someone he doesn't respect, I must be a flake. He was forever checking that I'd done basic things, double checking info I gave him because he couldn't believe I knew it and just generally not trusting me to get on with my job competently.

It took him about 5 years to accept that I am a capable human being and just because I don't know about Everton FC, doesn't mean I don't know anything worth knowing.

I do think part of the problem is that women are socially conditioned to make there statements 'softer' so 'I think it would be a good idea if we considered' rather than 'what we need to do' or ' it is my understanding that' instead of 'it is'. We sound unsure of ourselves so others are unsure of us. I've noticed a difference since I started making sure that I made clear, definite statements not tentative suggestions.

I would reframe that though helpful. The ways of speech that you describe as being typical of women are are usually just accurate reflections of the amount of certainty in a given situation. There is doubt. Everything is a suggestion, or should be.

The problem is actually men being socialised to declaim as if they have god-like powers rather than women talking in a normal register. I always think instead of sending women on assertiveness training courses we should send men on Stop Bullshitting courses.

Massively outing so have name changed... but I was on a game show pilot in 2004 for channel 4 with three men who were all quiz veterans, noting that they'd seen each other on 15-1 or Millionaire etc. One asked me what I'd done and I said "Blind Date" and they chuckled and mentally discounted the winner of that pilot

I'm a female police officer so have shit loads to say on this. Previously I was in academia so plenty from there too. Let me know if you'd like to do a phone interview/chat over email OP.

I used to sell security systems to businesses and was actually one of the top sellers in the country at one point.

I was about to start a lot of work for an old, posh jewellers in a local city which obviously needed a high level of security because of the stock that it held. The owner spent the first meeting refusing to speak to me directly and when he called me once and got my answerphone I heard him saying "oh for God's sake, it's that bloody girl again, give me some who KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING."

I took great pleasure in getting the full approval of everything I did from my engineers and his insurers who were obviously all men so what they said was correct!

@Juanmorebeer Love to! You can email me at [email protected].

I was asked at a corporate drinks event “Is looking after for you tonight then? I replied that, no, he was looking after the child because he was her father, and asked if was looking after his children tonight for him? I was told I was being “difficult and prickly”.
I changed jobs a short time later.

I have a gem that is a bit of a tangent, but telling in a different way. I was working as the senior program manager of a multi-million pound outsourcing deal. We had called a meeting with our vendor to discuss serious issues with the technical interface they were using. It was a big meeting with all the senior stakeholders around the table. I made a point regarding the timing of the upgrade path, which revealed that that was indeed the cause of the issue. The conversation moved on, as they were trying to paper over the fact it was their fault and moved on to some sort of proposal regarding testing different data types that would somehow solve the issue. I said "That is not the final solution", and a 60 year old man on our team, whose only previous interaction with me has been to walk up behind me while I was sitting at my desk and physically pulling up my pants from the back of my trousers to point out that were pink, replied like a shot: "Well you would say that, wouldn't you, since you're German".

@Binterested god yes, this!!! I say maybe a lot, because virtually everything in my job is uncertain and there are usually multiple options! Not because I doubt myself or don't know...

I work for a National plumbing /heating store and have done for many years. We have male customers coming in and bypassing me to speak to a male colleagues all the time . On this occasion a gent came in to ask for a part of a radiator valve that cannot be purchased separately. I told him that the part he required must have been left in the radiator that was being replaced " oh no its not ,it's missing " said he . Then proceed to call his mate to say "you've left the tail in the old rad you idiot "
Right in front of me as though I wasn't there .
Some hate it when you actually know more than them , my daughter is facing it now as she's training to be a heating engineer 😊

RemoveAllPicturesOfRon yes! Bonus points for men who a) insinuate you must be a terrible mother for daring to turn up at a corporate event rather than missing out on the networking and putting your own child to bed and then b) go on to say they can't because they're "babysitting" on the rare occasions when they do bother to take care of their own offspring ...