Who believed me about rape?

[socialhermit]

In 2018 I was raped by a stranger. I had unfortunately put myself in an extremely dangerous situation and the worst happened.

In 2019 the rapist, who was already on remand, was convicted of his crime in the crown court and received his sentence.

What I am finding difficult to recover from is the number of people who thought I had lied. I just cannot emotionally recover from that. I just can't move on.

The people who believed me were my two best friends, my mum and my brother. And also the police and the amazing police officer/detective in charge of the case.

I was so totally naive. I didn't realise that I had to keep it secret. I am a very open person, so wherever the terrible events influenced my life, I was just honest and explained what was happening in my life.

It became very clear very quickly people didn't believe me!! I was shocked and felt so betrayed and worthless. The disbelievers included my work colleagues (I was working as a nhs nurse), a Samaritans helpline volunteer (who called the police to report her concerns!), my GP (who said it was extremely unusual that someone who had been examined at a SARC would consent to the records being passed to the GP), and basically the list goes on and on....

To go through the trauma of rape and the stress of the police investigation. It was so hard.

But I just CANNOT get over the amount of people who I thought knew me who just showed me ......pain.

A lot of these posts about rape critisize the police . They stood by me 100%. Maybe I was in the minority but the police believed me and helped me and cared and pursued the conviction. I felt fully zippy you them.

To this day though I just cannot get over the number of people who gossiped and didn't believe me or help me. I just don't know how I can ever recover from the feeling of betrayal and how I can ever trust again?

I am so sorry that people didn't believe you. That must be incredibly painful.

I believe you. x

I believe you.

You now know who the shits are around you.

Its horrific isn't it.
I was abused by a sports coach as a teen, he was a prolific abuser and when he was arrested various people in the sport commented along the lines of "everyone knows teenage girls lie". They didn't realise I was one of the people who had reported him.

It's so prevalent and so disturbing how much we have built in culturally to protect predatory men

This is one of the main reasons I never disclosed mine to anyone, not even the police. I knew people wouldn't believe me, and I just didn't want the arguments with people on top of the trauma. I just buried it. It's now so historic there's no point in even trying to report it.

I'm glad you got a conviction OP and I am so very sorry for what you went through with others.

So sorry. I believe you.

Some people (former friends) didn’t beleive me about my rape when I was 16

Just saw me as promiscuous and blamed it on me, what I wore, that I had been drinking.

The bastards

It took me long time for me to not feel that pain.

It does occasionally still get to me

I’m sorry you d experienced the same

We all believe you

So angry and sad for you and others on this thread. Bad enough that you have been violated by a man but to then have people not believe you.

And it must be very hard to let go of this feeling of betrayal by "friends".

I am sure you already know about this but if not on the Rape Crisis web site you can search for your local RCC and they may be able to offer support. There is also an live chat line, and links to other resources. rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/

And hopefully you will feel you can come back here.

Power and strength to each of you who have survived this.

Thank you so much too everyone has responded on this thread. You have really helped me.

My colleagues and my manager at work were the worst. I don't think they know or even care how damaging their treatment of me was. It was an unnecessary extra trauma for me to cope with.

I realise now that they were not nice people and I'm so glad I don't have to see them ever again!

I have to believe that most people are not like them. I will learn to trust people again one day.

@socialhermit, you raise a very good point in this thread. I was also raped by a stranger. However, no one was caught/identified.

Over the years, it has made be think about how hard it must be for people in rape cases where they knew the person? A lot of more challenges for those people :( It must be VERY difficult.

In my own case, it was early evening, walking along a road, I would certainly not classify it as a dangerous situation. Looking back it seems unreal. How could it happen?

I was generally believed, but I did get questions from close friends/partners about could you not have stopped them? How come you can't give a good description of them? ...etc...

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this thread. This thread has really helped me process something in my journey of recovery....the part of recovery I have been stuck on. The acceptance that some people I trusted, didn't believe me. It's an incredible hurt. I really really want to get over that hurt. This thread has given me a little bit of help along the way of my recovery. Thank you 🙏

I believe you.

I hope you have seen there are good people who will walk alongside you while you process what has happened to you.

I believe you. I think we all believe you. It's very hard to be let down like that. I send you .

I’m sorry that you were let down by those who should have supported you. Germaine Greer, I think, once said that most women don’t quite understand the extent to which men (and also other women) hate them, the difficulties women face to be seen as fully human, even by other women. What passes as ‘feminism’ today does not address this problem.

@Daca

That is a great quote. But I'm not so sure about Germaine Greer and some of the other things she has said about the subject of rape

In fact every word of that quote is so very true.

The Netflix series Unbelievable illustrates a lot of the belief issues too, in the context of specific real world case.

I had similarly odd reaction from a friend. I was raped by a then-ex, who was part of a friendship group (i.e. a group of us had been friends for a while, I'd been split up from ex for about six months when this happened). I eventually told friend, she said practically nothing, and never has. I don't know what he told her about what happened, but it had a massive effect on me that I was terrified of men for a time afterwards.
Strangely I was out with her more recently, on the way there a man trapped me on some steps, made me go ahead then put his hand between my legs (hey, you're never too old it turns out) - again I told her and she said literally nothing. Strange, but I think now that's her rather than me. So what I'm trying to say I guess is that some people have odd reactions and that's on them, not you. I absolutely believe you.

Sorry this happened to you. When I was raped, the only people who believed me were my dad and my husband. Everyone else decided I just randomly decided to cheat on my husband and call it rape as I regretted it. That was the story the rapist gave, and people fell over themselves to believe him. Despite obvious injuries (both private, and public, IE bruises everyone could see along with other injuries)

I doubt I would have reported anyway knowing how victims are treat, but the lack of belief even among friends put me off completely. I am glaqd your rapist got some form of punishment, and I hope that helps you heal somewhat.

I think sometimes people don't want to believe these things happen. They see rape as purely the 'attacked in a park' scenario and so they disbelieve people who tel a different narrative - maybe because it scares them to think it could happen to them?

Or they're arseholes