"We Had Cancer"

[Agrona]

humanparts.medium.com/i-wish-we-all-lived-like-we-had-cancer-7107aa675115

Recently there was a thread (possibly here) about a couple stating they were pregnant.

It was stated, correctly, that only the pregnant woman was pregnant. The other party concerned would be a parent to the child but otherwise did not bear the physical discomfort etc of pregnancy. (The fact that some couples claim to be pregnant when a surrogate is actually the mother was also discussed.)

I noticed this article about a man claiming that "we had cancer", while his wife was the only person who had the treatment and died as a result. There can be no denial that he had to watch her suffer and feel the sorrow/terror etc. that this experience brings, yet to claim "we had cancer" made me feel sympathetic, sick and furious at the claim.

It reads like a load of self-absorbed twaddle.

My mum died of cancer, I have never heard my dad refer to it as ‘we’. On the other hand I can accept the phrase that the family went through cancer as we all certainly lived it before and after her death

Perhaps it affects me adversely as a number of friends and relatives have died of cancer.

I agree pigeons, there can be no denial that the experience affects the people who care about/love etc. the cancer patient.

Yet on reading the very long piece of writing it seems to centre the writer. He did not have cancer.

I’ll admit @agrona I only read part of the link. I don’t honestly know how I feel about it. Yes my mum suffered and did so for over a decade. With remission in between. The cancer was never talked about as we. However my father lived through it, he suffered as much if not more, she was on morphine at the end, therefore I wouldn’t ever think him self centred if he made it about him (he wouldn’t though)

As we were young, that should have said

My DH died of cancer after a year of suffering at home. It would seem appalling and appropriative to me to claim that we had cancer. I grieved, sure, but it was he who suffered.

It's like men who talk about childbirth as if they went through it.

Did you read the final paragraph OP?

In one of the final conversations that we had, she asked me to make sure that I keep living as if “we” have cancer. Because, if we get back to normal, things that don’t matter start to matter. We forgive less. We are less grateful. We start to care about the stupid stuff. We get caught back up in worthless drama. We push aside the things that should matter most for things that just don’t matter all that much

The article is terribly self- absorbed but it struck me that "we" was something he and his wife had agreed on.

To be honest I think you're going out of your way to find something to be annoyed/offended at when it's really none of your business.

Words are important. Perhaps instead of saying we are pregnant couples could say we are expecting a baby?

Not quite as bad but still a bit...?

The thing with cancer is that, unlike being pregnant, 'we' could have cancer, and I suspect that is a completely different experience to the one above.

I agree that particular article reads very self absorbed, but I disagree with comparing this with childbirth.

Going through cancer with a loved one is by far a much more traumatic experience than going through say, a straightforward childbirth.

I have no issue with a man (or a anyone got that matter) saying "we had cancer" when referring to the overall pain and suffering (including mental) that they and their partner have gone through together. It's not taking anything away from the person who had the cancer, for me it actually shows a level of support and solidarity.

The type of man who says "we are pregnant" is usually the self absorbed kind though, and it's done in a way so as to take the limelight away from the woman.

I don’t like it at all

The sentiment behind it...fair enough

But there must be a better way of saying it