Why do I feel such a failure?

[Addictedtohotbaths]

I’m happily divorced from a total narcissist, I have two beautiful children, a very good career, I paid my ex off, I’ve always been the earner / responsible one / organised / doer, but I can’t shake this horrible feeling that I’m a failure because I haven’t managed to keep a man. That I don’t fit in because I’m single, what is wrong with me?

Please don't measure your success by your ability to please others, the greatest victory in life is living well. Also, congratulations on raising two children with a difficult partner involved .

Thank you Gronky, it’s been beyond difficult.

I wonder if you feel like a failure in regard to that aspect of your life...because you'd feel like a failure in regard to a different aspect if you were in a relationship. Ie it's not that actual thing? I feel like a failure. I'm in a really happy marriage but we couldn't have children and my career isn't what I'd hoped for - I'm outwardly quite successful looking I think but I have acute imposter syndrome. OP it feels like we've just met in a pub and need to pull up chairs and have a drink and a chat! I bet there are lots of others who feel the same, but don't look from the outside like they should. We are strange beasts and programmed to want to achieve bizarre "perfect" lives that don't exist- and that we know don't exist- but that we still buy into.

I’m a failure because I haven’t managed to keep a man.

Bollocks to that! My aim in life is to be happy in my own company and be wholly independent. I refuse to base my happiness on anyone else’s opinion of me.

Good luck. Sounds to me like you’re living a good life.

Huge societal pressure deems being in a couple as the norm. You can only see yourself as a failure if you believe the opposite position is a success.

You got out of a damaging relationship and this is your time now to root deeply into why you feel like this.

Unpack the myriad of assumptions and cultural expectations that assume 'keeping a man's is a winning position. It's most certainly is not if it comes at huge personal cost.

Define your own success criteria.

I'm outwardly quite successful looking I think but I have acute imposter syndrome

I believe that having this concern only demonstrates that you're past the first peak on the Dunning-Kruger curve. It shows that you know enough to know what you don't know and the real imposters are the ones who gain confidence from not knowing what they don't know. (I think this makes sense)

@tinselvestsparklepantstinsel I’m sorry you haven’t been able to have children. I realise how very lucky I am in that respect.
I totally get what you mean about imposter syndrome, I’ve wondered about that for a while. Why do you feel you have Imposter syndrome? I think mine comes from a dodgy childhood..
@AnyOldPrion i love my own company and it’s just me 40% of the time when the dc are with their dad, I have lots of friends and hobbies and volunteer etc but I can shake this stupid feeling that I’m incomplete because I’m not with a man and that people pity me because I’m on my own.

@Shalom23 I think you’re right about pressure to be in a couple is the norm. A lot of very old friends have drifted away from me since I’ve got divorced it’s like they think it’s a lurgy or something. Like they’re going to catch it..!

people pity me because I’m on my own

I would recommend looking at it this way: you're worrying that they have the wrong impression of you and your feeligns but you might well have the wrong impression of them and their feelings. I imagine some are even slightly jealous of your ability to seek your own happiness. Ultimately, even if they are pitying you, why do you owe them a lick of your time to make them more comfortable or meet their expectations?

@gronky I don’t know why I let it worry me what they think about me and the fact I’m on my own it’s silly. I guess that is actually my main problem worrying what people think about me.

I left my ex, I could have kept hold of him, I chose not to. Would you want to keep hold of a difficult man?
I do know what you mean. But what about your wants and needs - do you want a man? The idea of keeping hold of one is at odds with you being in the driving seat in your life.

I worry too much about what people think of me too but
A) lots of them are stuck with nightmare partners
B) they don't pay my bills, so let them talk!

I guess that is actually my main problem worrying what people think about me.

Unpacking our conditioning is a major job of work and is sometimes depressing and demoralizing since the propaganda surrounds us even as we are trying to sort it out.
Worth doing, nonetheless.
May I just say that when people pity you they are often doing the dominance dance with you exactly the way they were taught to do it.

I’m not sure if I want one, I think it would be hard to trust anybody and I’ve promised myself not to put up with any shit again. I would find it hard to relinquish any control now I have full control of my life finally, but it would be nice to have someone to share experiences with and physical etc.
I think a lot of men are uncomfortable with a strong woman.

I guess that is actually my main problem worrying what people think about me.

You mentioned a dodgy childhood which reminded me of an extremely rational friend of mine who also had a difficult time while growing up. His explanation was that he came to realise that he felt like, if he could just be good and make everyone happy, the bad things in life would go away. He also realised that, because he had his life on track and things were going well, he felt even more pressure to do this because, if he didn't, things might go return to being unpleasant.

I realise that telling someone not to worry isn't terribly helpful, it frustrates me too when I'm told not to worry about things that I know are irrational but worry me all the same. Instead, please continue to make a fool of everyone who's ever beaten down on you for no good reason by doing things that make you personally happy. Dr Seuss may have been a pretty horrible person in some regards but he was absolutely right when he said "those who mind, don't matter and those who matter don't mind".

I hope you are able to, over time, take ever more pride and happiness from forging your own path and keep enjoying those nice hot baths.

@TehBewilderness what does the dominance dance mean? I get a sense that my mum pitys me being alone a lot..

@Gronky I think I’ve been battling my own / other people’s stereotype as the victim since my childhood, I had a very abusive father and a mother who turned a blind eye. I don’t want to be a victim / pitied as a single person, just want people to see I’m happy and doing fine, if that makes any sense.
And Dr Seuss oh the places you will go makes me cry, it feels like he’s described my life perfectly.

I think I’ve been battling my own / other people’s stereotype as the victim since my childhood, I had a very abusive father and a mother who turned a blind eye.

Apologies for saying this based on your next sentence but I'm really sorry that you had to experience that and wish I could make it have not happened.

I don’t want to be a victim / pitied as a single person, just want people to see I’m happy and doing fine, if that makes any sense.

It makes perfect sense; you don't want the bad parts of your life to define who you are and, from what you've said, it sounds like they haven't on a personal level; you just want others to realise what you already know. The friend I mentioned earlier could more accurately be described as a mentor and confidant (he was a manager in another research group but seemed to have almost limitless time for everyone). I'd started my first job after graduating and he made me feel like a scientist first and foremost. I wish I'd had Oh the Places You'll Go growing up, it seems like a perfect piece of inspiration and I'm glad that it resonates with you.

You feel like a failure because you ARE a failure, but tough love incoming. EVERYONE fails at some point, welcome to the human race. It would be a perspective of extreme hubris to make it through life and never fail at anything.

If however your letting that make you feel like somehow less of a human being or woman or whatever please don't. The key to successful people is that failure doesn't deter them.

I don't know your situation in depth, but I'd gently push back on the notion that your failure was in "keeping a man", your failure sounds more like you picked the wrong kind of man. In the future pay more attention to the red flags and ignore narcissists. Sounds like you're a worthwhile person to know, and have plenty to offer. Don't succumb to self-pity. What has most likely happened is your Narc ex has wrecked your self-esteem, and that will take a little self love and healing to overcome.

Best of luck and much love.

There is a lot of social conditioning that is heaped upon our biological drive to find a partner. Society is moulded (and moulds us) around the idea of being in a relationship as a marker of success or happiness.

There's no shame in wanting a relationship or missing being in one. There are lots of good things about it. As you've learned though, having a partner isn't necessarily a guarantee of happiness and you could easily be miserable if you are stuck with someone you are incompatible with or who is abusive / manipulative.

It's ok to feel conflicting emotions. You can feel happy and relieved that you are no longer married to your ex, while also feeling a bit sad about being on your own. Divorce is quite a big change and it will take a while to adjust to a new normal. You're already enjoying your independence.

The thing about feelings is that they come and go. It's important to remember that. Feelings are not necessarily an objective statement of who you are. Today you might feel down; tomorrow you might feel happy or angry or bored.

Maybe one day you will find yourself in another relationship, or maybe not. In the meantime, embrace the pros and cons of being single. Make the most of the time you have to yourself now.
I admit that with the current lockdown, some of these things might not be possible, but it's worth remembering for future - Try some new activities and hobbies, change your hairstyle or experiment with clothes and fashion styles that you normally wouldn't. Be a bit adventurous.
Explore new social circles and making new friends. You don't have to dump old pals, but it can help to meet new people and expand your network. It will help with not feeling like an outsider.

Think about how far you've come and what your relationship experiences can teach you if you were to find yourself looking for a new partner.

All the best.

I think everyone feels that way sometimes, about some things. Part is because no one makes a success of everything, part because we compare ourselves to others. We may not have achieved something we had envisioned ourselves doing. Maybe we found that we had to make choices around what we wanted to spend our energy on, or we wonder about the road less travelled. Or it may be something society values and creates pressure about it.

It can also be that we really feel that we messed something up in some way, and I think with divorce that is often part of it.

It's not always a bad thing to feel that way, it can help us to make sure we are evaluating things or looking back at why things turned out a certain way, rather than just letting life push us along. But I do think being content usually means becoming comfortable with the fact that we never get everything we planned for.