Help me talk to my DD13

[Teenhelpplease]

Hi, I could really do with your help.
My DD is nearly 14, she hangs out with a (seemingly nice) group of boys and girls her age.
A few months ago she got together with one of the boys. Again all fairly innocent, they always meet with the group and haven’t really been out alone. DD is fairly embarrassed about it all and doesn’t really want to talk about it.
I rightly or wrongly still check DDs phone from time to time.
Anyway, it seems (from checking messages) they’ve decided to split up and just be friends. Fairly mutual but more from him. Lots of talk from both of how it’s not the same now they can’t see each other, still love you, we can be good friends, let’s see how we feel after lockdown ends and we’ll maybe get back together.
All seems reasonable.
However talk then turned to DD not being keen to ‘wank him off’. He’s full of that’s fine, no pressure etc but then slips in that if she had done it they probably wouldn’t have split up. She then replied that although she doesn’t want to have sex until she’s 15 or 16, she might have done that.
I’m so bloody angry with this boy for manipulating her like this all with a smattering of ‘no pressure but...’
He’s coming across to her as a nice caring boy who would never pressure her and who loves her, but who basically has his needs and if she’s not going to fulfil them then they can’t be together.
Dd hasn’t mentioned any of this to me, not even them splitting up. He’s told her not to tell me until they’ve decided whether the split is final after lockdown.
I just read the thread about the man’s rights to expect sex from his wife and it’s made me so angry.
I want to talk to DD (and I think DS12 should hear it too) without her thinking i’ve read her messages. Was thinking if maybe starting by telling them about the thread in here and then moving onto how manipulating people is utterly unacceptable.
Any ideas of what I can say to a cringing 13 year old?
Sorry this is so long. Am so bloody mad/worried.

Lots of good replies on the wanking, but what I also find strange is that he told her not to tell you they had split until they were certain. Why? Dies he not want her talking to you about their relationship at all? Sounds like there is a lot going on with this boy.

I think in that age group there can be very different social expectations among different groups of kids. My friend group at that age was not into that sort of stuff at all. My sister however lived in a different area and was at a different school, and there was all kinds of sexual activity there. Partly I suspect because it was rural and there were fewer kids, so the friend group tended to include teens of a lot of different ages.

The point being that she at that age thought that was totally normal, and that every school was like that. It could well be that in the school of the OPs daughter its been normalised as well, sometimes it's just down to the particular kids or culture of the school. Teachers are often reluctant to tell young people in a straightforward way that they shouldn't be having sex.

While the young man involved is being inappropriate, honestly, I'm not totally surprised given his age. A lot of boys are not as mature as girls at 13 and aren't going to be all that insightful about their own behaviour, especially if no one has really talked to them about how to behave, and if a lot of kids are experimenting sexually. Many 13 year olds will try to manipulate their parents and siblings in other scenarios, it's not abnormal behaviour at that and and many will grow out of it.

I'd e wondering f the school, when things go back to some sort of ormalcy, shouldn't be addressing what's going on with the kids as a group.

@FemaleAndLearning makes a good point.

The only reason I can see for him not wanting her parents to know, is because he doesn't want them asking awkward questions like why?

He is giving her enough rope to choose to go further with him following his pressure on her and he knows that you wouldn't be happy if you knew the true circumstances under which she chose to do so. He knows what he is doing and he knows that decent parents will see straight through it to what it is.

Your DD may unfortunately mistake his interest as being as genuine as hers, rather than him simply wanting anyone to have sex with. She is worth more than that and he knows it.

How do we get here.
Ubiquitous online porn is bad enough but
when we have magazines in WHSmith aimed at 13 yr old girls and above giving advice on how to do anal sex, it's hardly surprising many girls fold to the pressure.