DV situation with a stranger - I hope I did well (how to do better next time?)

[YeahLikeNoThough]

Posted in FWR in the hope that I may get some pointers on how to do better next time:

On public transport on my way home from work just now, I was approached by a woman asking if I would let her make a call as she'd left her keys and mobile at home. Being pathologically nice, I obviously say yes. She calls her husband and explains.

As we get off at what turns out to be her stop as well as mine, her husband is already there with their toddler in his car. He opens the car door as she approaches and shouts a veritable tirade of abuse at her about what a (sorry, explicit!) Useless stupid cunt she was being and how he was going to knock some sense into her at home and ... well, you imagine the rest.

Then, he shouts she's going to have to walk home and drives off. She just stands there and breaks into sobs. I just stand there, having observed the situation, and feel utterly and completely helpless and out of my depth. I've never met this woman or her child before.

She asks if she can use my phone once more. And, again, I agree. She calls him back.

At which point, I decide to say to her "the way he is treating you - you know, that's not love, that's abusive. And you don't have to put up with it. Please call these people. They can help you!" And I hand her a crumpled flyer from a local refuge which I happen to remember I've in my bag from a fundraiser party I attended a few weeks ago.

So, she just stands there, sobbing, waiting for him to come back. And I stand there, trying to be at once sympathetic and supportive but also firm and clear in my message that she needs to stop this for her sake and her child's. Then he turns back up and shouts abuse at her some more as she gets in the car and off he speeds with her and the child.

I'm so shaken!

Having survived and ultimately left a verbally and emotionally abusive man myself, it all seems to come back to me.

I know I should have called the police right there and then. Or something. But also, he had her child. I tried. I really, really struggled, too, because of what witnessing this has brought up from my own past.

I hope she calls the refuge. I know she won't, most probably. And, god, I just know that horrible husband of hers is probably beating the crap out of that poor woman as I type this.

I don't know how I'll sleep tonight.

How do I do better, should I ever witness something like it again? I feel so guilty for having let her down.

I don’t think you could have done anything more tbh. Hopefully she will call but I think you did as much as you could.

Did you get his car number plate or even part of it? You witnessed him threatening violence so you can report that. There was a child present too. Even if you don’t have the number plate you have his car make/colour, the bus she got off and his phone number. Those are good starting points for the police.

I think you did the best you could. If you, or anyone else, witness something like that again, please don't give her a refuge flyer again. Scribble the number down on a plain piece of paper with a woman's name. If he finds that flyer tonight or another day, it could lead to another instance of violence. Knowing this, she may ditch the flyer, but not keep the details. Give her something that is safe to keep.

You did your best OP, well done.

You could ask the police to do a welfare check.

True, that!

I didn't think that I have his phone number, obviously.

Should I call the police? Will they take me seriously if I do in my capacity as a random stranger?

And, OMG, I wasn't thinking about the flyer situation. That was utterly stupid of me!

TBH, I'm arfuably the worst stranger to ask for help in that situation, as my own past makes me feel so panicky that my brain switches off. I hope he doesn't find it. I hope I haven't made it worse.

That must have been horrible to witness. I’m not sure what else you could have done. Poor woman and poor child 😟 I hope she finds a way to leave before they are both damaged any further.

You did all you could do. It sometimes takes years to leave an abusive relationship. You planted a seed.

Don’t worry about the flyer- she’s probably smart enough to hide it and bin it when she gets a chance.

The police absolutely will take you seriously. Maybe write down all you remember before you ring them. Description of her, him, the car, what was said, what bus you were on, where she got off, what time, what direction they headed off in.

It is really, really, hard to respond the way we'd like in the heat of he moment. You didn't expect to be confronted with such a horrible situation on your way home, and weren't prepared for it. It is natural to think of loads of things that could be done differently with the benefit of hindsight.
But fwiw, I think you handled it very well. Please don't berate yourself, you tried your best and may have made a difference to that woman's life. Getting his numberplate would have been good, but difficult in the dark and with not much time.
So many people would have turned a blind eye and not wanted to get involved at all. You tried. You showed kindness towards a stranger, please be kind to yourself as well.

Well, so I called the non-emergency police number and made a report.

Turns out, they're a tad more restricted about phone numbers here than in the UK (I'm an expat) and can't simply get someone's details from a phone provider. Seems you need a judge for that.

Also, turns out this wasn't even necessary. Police might need a warrant - but there's no law to stop a private individual from looking up on WhatsApp a number they happen to have on their personal device. I've his name and his picture. Now, so do the police. Once the panic died down, my brains started kicking back in.

They won't tell me what they're doing about the situation (policy, apparently). But I've a case number. So, at the very least, he's been properly reported for domestic abuse.

I'll have to ask the Google about what the usual procedure would be thereafter.

Oh bloody well done you! Smart thinking checking WhatsApp! You’re a hero. Hopefully it all start the ball rolling for things improving for her and her child.

BTW OP you need to find him on FB/Twitter/WhatsApp and block him. You will come up as a suggested friend for him on FB as your phone number called his phone and fb links that shit up. (I had a potential new client contact me on Saturday and 3 minutes after she called she appeared as a suggested friend on my FB feed) you dont want him knowing your name or anything about you. And block his number on your phone.

Well done! You’ve done some really good thinking and better than I would have managed in this situation!

You’re a Good Samaritan, and you need to take care of yourself also - maybe talk to a friend in real life about the feelings this has brought back up for you, if you feel comfortable to do that.

Well done again, you’ve got him on the radar now and hopefully things will be ok.

posterWireBrushAndDettolMaam fair point. He's obviously blocked on Phone/WhatsApp already - luckily, this is also a business phone, so not linked to any accounts otherwise. Even a potential reverse lookup will simply come up with "Megacorp Ltd. - i.e. people with better lawyers than yourself".

I think you need to just need to take a breath and reflect OP.

As others have posted, you did a good thing. You were practical, calm, brave. You showed this lady a kindness and compassion that has perhaps been lacking in her life.

You only see a snapshot of her life, and whilst it is difficult not to imagine the horrors she might face, you cannot know that. What's more, you cannot control it and certainly are not responsible for it.

Of course, this will bring all of your emotions back, in a raw, gut punching, visceral way. You have to be prepared for that. You have to be prepared that you will need support.

But you also need to reflect on your own words in your OP 'eventually I got away'. Your experience was exactly that... you got yourself out of an abusive relationship, over time.

I've volunteered in a women's centre. I'd love to say every woman finds it easy to leave a relationship at the first hint of abuse. But we know it doesn't work like that.

You left your relationship. You did that. You were strong.

You can't rescue her from hers. As someone else said upthread, you've planted a seed. When she's ready, she will leave.

Now with the info you've provided, leave the police to help her. No more searching for him, or her, by you.

You did a great thing. Now a bit of self care for you please.

Good stuff. Keep an eye out if that’s your usual bus. If he works out it was you he may hang around waiting for you some evening. Keep your phone in your hand. Stick to where there are other people.

You left your relationship. You did that. You were strong. You can't rescue her from hers. As someone else said upthread, you've planted a seed. When she's ready, she will leave.

That's true, I guess.

It's also why I do feel so responsible.

At my very lowest I just wanted for someone, anyone to come in and take charge of the situation, tell me what to do and rescue me. Because I couldn't. Not because I didn't want to but because he had me at the point of believing I was nobody and nothing and resistance was futile because I wasn't capable of it anyway. I so desperately wanted for someone more competent to simply take over. And I guess that being someone way more competent, way stronger now than I was then, I feel I let that woman down because I didn't. (Rationally speaking: how could I? You can't simply burst in and manage someone's life just like that.)

On a somewhat random side note, because he deserves random strangers on the internet knowing how brilliant he is: the person who "planted a seed" for me back when I was at my lowest did so with a single throwaway remark during a coffee break. He'll never know because he's a lovely, humble, down-to-earth but exceedingly smart bloke who doesn't do well with emotional stuff. Explaining to him what he did would only make him feel embarrassed. But I regard him as my personal dragon-slayer and as the big brother I've always wanted, and I might just commit a murder for him if push came to shove. He's the kindest person I've ever known and I hope he'll be happy for as long as he lives. Random side note over - but he deserves all the praise he can get.

Reading your follow up I think you did really well, whatever the outcome. I like your tribute to your friend too. I only got out of my abusive relationship when I confided in someone who I didn't even know very well (and who had been a friend of my partner for longer than I'd known him) and she told me that she believed me. It doesn't sound much but it made something change in my brain.

No advice on how to do better, I’m impressed you did so much within a very limited window.

My mind moved in tiny stages to realisation that I had to leave, but I had no idea how. Someone sent me the number of a refuge and calling that number was a decisive moment.

You can’t know what stage she’s at on that journey, but wherever she is, you have nudged her in the right direction.

It must have taken real courage. Glad one or two others have made suggestions. They’re helpful for all of us. Thanks for the thread too, this is such an important topic.