I need help

[Justascaredcat]

I've never posted on anything like this before, but read a post from 2013 whilst searching what I should do in this situation and feel like the advice given is sound, so thought I'd register as I'm at a loss.

I am 33 and currently married to my second husband (was really young when I got married the first time) the man I am married to, I love intensely, he is hard working, devoted to me and a brilliant step father to my 2 son's, I want for nothing, he helps around the house, we have so many things in common and have a good life, But, it's a big but.... sometimes (I'm crying when I type this because, it's more than sometimes if I'm honest) he is absaloutly awful to me when he is drunk, this new year is the second new he has ruined in a row, he says really hurtful things, shouts at me, tells me to shut the fuck up, tells I do his head in, I whine, I'm irritating, I'm annoying, I piss him off, he can't stand me , to get out of his face, to stay away from him ECT ECT, this list is pretty much endless. He an ever insults me, as in calls me names and he never says anything aggressive, as in threats of violence.

Sober: he avoids confrontation at all cost.
Me in general, am quite a confident woman, I have lived away from since 16, ex military and work in an environment where I have to really be able to look after my self.

When he is drunk and this way inclined I feel I become quite keen and timmid, I try to avoid arguing back with him as he doesnt listen to me any way.

The last time (before the most recent) it got so bad my 14 year old son, went absaloutly mental, sticking up for me and threatened him, I left with my to son's and stayed in a hotel until everything calmed down, when I returned I told him I was leaving him but he convinced me to stay.

This time, 5 days ago, I again accepted his apology, but don't know if I've actually forgiven him, it keeps playing over and over in my mind, to the point where tonight, I have woke up with a start, heart racing actually crying and struggling to breath as I had a dream that he got drunk and was that violent he cracked my cheack bone and made my face bloody, although I don't think he would ever hit me, subconsciously I must have some concerns.

I don't want to be 33 and be divorced again, I really love him, but have lost so much respect for him, on our honeymoon he got so drunk he stood in the street and wet himself, and various things that make me cringe as well as the shouting.
I'm at a loss I really am, what do I do?

I think he has to stop drinking entirely, or you have to leave him... or better, both. They say 'in vino veritas' ... where is this extreme hostility coming from? It's in there somewhere. Is the alcohol just removing his conflict-avoiding tendencies and letting the true contempt he has for you show through?
Frankly I would rather be 33 and divorced than with someone my teenager has to defend me from, who I have nightmares about them cracking my cheekbone. Being single should be much, much better than this - no? 33 is still really young. And your DS really should not have this guy as a role model .

It's easier to say "just LTB" than to do it .But you and your DC deserve so much better.

Subconsciously, from your dream, you fear he is damaging you - because he is. His behaviour, whilst drinking, is damaging you and you sons.

I'm no expert on alcoholism, but you need to decide what is being unleashed in him when he drinks, and whether you can live with that - or, more importantly, whether it will damage your sons.

Again, no expert on alcoholism, but I've been pretty bladdered in my time - enough for social embarrassment and waking up not knowing how I got home, black outs, etc - but I have never pissed myself in the street. That is horrible.

How would he react if you asked him to stop drinking? Or gave him an ultimatum?

I'm not going to tell you to LTB, although you may conclude that you have to. This is a fairly unvisited forum though - you may want to re-post in the Relationships board, or report your own post, and ask MNHQ to move it to Relationships - for a wider range of views, or people with experience of this.

Thank you replying, I completely agree with everything you have said and if I was reading this post about someone else I would say the exact same thing, why can't I? Those boys of mine are absaloutly amazing I don't fear they'll grow up the same, if I thought that he'd not be allowed within a mile of them, that one time was the only time they've seen him like that and they came to the conclusion themselves the was just too drunk.

I'm just really sad as everything else is so good, by no means perfect but defiantly good

It's ultimatum time because this is that serious. He either stops drinking completely and you start marriage counselling immediately, or it's over. You simply can't live like this, waiting for the inevitable "next time." If he won't join you in fixing your marriage and admit that he has a very serious problem with alcohol, it's done.

Thank you theunflushedzebra, I only worked out how to post on here by chance, how do i report the post to ask them to move it??

Thank you for your advice also x

Aquamarine, I'm genuinely scared, I'll loose to alcohol, if I made him choose, he loves a drink and has at least 2 or 3 beers every night, he knows I world up scared, as he calmed home down, got me some water, but he is back asleep now, he asked me what my dream was about and I said I'll talk to you tomorrow, so I hope when I tell him in the morning what had me that frightened it'll be good for thought

You have to decide how many more times you want to go through this hell and how many more times you want your children to witness it. I should hope the answer is none.

Perhaps you should reflect some more about how your 14 year old son had to defend you, and that you were actually forced to leave your home because your husband was so out of control. That is absolutely unthinkable to me, and if it were my marriage, it would have been over that night.

Aquamarine you are alright I know you are, if this was my freind or sister lying here at 5 to 5 in the morning crying and chatting on a forum I'd tell her to leave aswell, I can't do this really I don't think he's leaving me with much choice, it hurts so much

There really is only one reasonable choice and you know what it is.You can’t let your kids keep living like this. I promise you, they know more than you realize and it is having a bigger impact on them than you can possibly imagine.

I don't know why I would of expected anyone to say any different, I suppose I hoped for some one to say do this and everything will be okay. I know what i have to do, you are all 100% right. What is the point in having a good marriage most of the time, when often I feel this shit. I probably wrote this post to assure myself I wasn't just over reacting or being dramatic thank you all for your advice x

Hiya I'm new here but wanted to comment darling! My husband left me for Antonio and if it means that my kids are safe from his weed addiction.. If he's a danger to your kids get out. Love is love but your kids come first sweetie and anyway you might find someone a whole lot better as you seem wonderful! Sending my love Xxxxx

I'll give the perspective of a husband here. If I were doing what you describe to my wife when drunk, I would have gone t-total a long time ago. Failing that I don't see how the marriage could continue. In that position I wouldn't want to hurt my wife for any reason.

Totally agree with all the other comments.