Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Feminism: chat

Original poster

AIBU

11 replies

Feelinggoodashell · 30/12/2019 17:01

I was out on a date with a guy and we ordered drinks at the bar and I paid for all the drinks in cash. The bartender took the cash and I was due change. He came back a few seconds later and looked at the guy I was on the date with and apologised that the change would be a wait as they didn’t have any In the till. Bar tender didn’t even glance at me. He then returned five minutes later and again looked only at my Male date and asked him if he had 20pence as that would make the change easier. He didn’t. So he (date) asked me if I did and I handed over the 20p. The bar tender then returned with the change and handed it to the the guy!!! Who said it was my money.

I spoke to the guy about it saying I felt it was patriarchy at play. I was totally invisible. He told me he hadn’t noticed and that it was prob just because it was busy he forgot that I paid. We contributed the debate for a while where I was just saying actually I disagree. The guy went to give me a hug and knocked over his drink- he then blamed me for him knocking over his drink as if I hadn’t got so worked up over nothing he wouldn’t have tried to hug me!!

Needless to say I am not going on another date with him. But am I mad to have even noticed it?

OP posts:
OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 30/12/2019 17:25

Sounds like a lucky escape, enough red flags for bunting!

Thelnebriati · 30/12/2019 17:52

So to recap;

  • He didn't notice that although he did not pay, you were ignored and he was given the change.
  • He thinks you saying anything = you getting worked up.
  • He thinks you ''getting worked'' up = you need hugs.
  • He blames you for his mistakes.

Please tell me you don't really think it was you that was unreasonable...

Original poster
Feelinggoodashell · 30/12/2019 18:07

No I thibk I’m reasonable to not want to date him again - definitely.

But I’m more checking if I’m being unreasonable to have noticed the bar tender totally ignore me and label it patriarchy? You know how sometimes you see patriarchy everywhere and it starts to drive you mad. I feel like that

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2019 18:14

He doesn't see it because it doesn't affect him adversely. In fact he's getting free money! Lucky bloke.

IME a lot of men suddenly 'see' issues when their daughters are affected.

Lucky escape for you though.

Thelnebriati · 30/12/2019 18:20

You can replace 'patriarchy' with 'male supremacy', but it makes many women uncomfortable, as if they are being rude to the men in their lives, and they start to get defensive and minimise.

Can you imagine the situation reversed? A man pays but the bartender ignores him and talks to his female date. Its a completely different dynamic, it now looks like the bartender is interested in the woman.

A man pays but the bartender ignores him and talks to his male date. The bartender now just looks weird.

JolyonsChickensAreBigots · 30/12/2019 18:29

YANBU

However bartender may have unintentionally done you a favour - doesn't excuse bartender's behaviour

Original poster
Feelinggoodashell · 30/12/2019 18:44

It was not my first date with this guy and he bought theatre tickets which was lovely but I hadn’t asked him too but he then kept saying how he had spent a lot of money and wanted to do something nice for me and didn’t want us to argue.

Which I also found annoying as I didn’t ask him to do it but then I have to be grateful and not point out when the bartender is being an idiot / “Make” him spill his drink as he did this evening all for me.

OP posts:
AnyOldPrion · 31/12/2019 11:56

Well there might be some minor variation, depending on how many drinks had been taken, but any normal human being offered change when they hadn’t paid would immediately point out the error and expect the remainder of the interaction to be carried out with the appropriate person.

Difficult to judge on the patriarchiness... the possibility remains (however slight) that it was a simple error. Personally I’m not sure using the word patriarchy on a date is likely to be a successful tactic. If you’re particularly unfortunate, you might attract a “male feminist” and as we all know that’s an oxymoron.

Lucky escape, OP. Hope next year brings you someone decent.

HorsWithNoDoeuvres · 31/12/2019 12:17

However bartender may have unintentionally done you a favour - doesn't excuse bartender's behaviour

Totally agree.

Ace username btw.

powershowerforanhour · 31/12/2019 14:54

"he then kept saying how he had spent a lot of money and wanted to do something nice for me and didn’t want us me to argue"

Fixed that for him. I think for the time he had "invested" in more than one date and the price of the theatre tickets, you were possibly meant to shut up, not have an unpleasant opinions that differed from his, look pretty and fuck him.

I disgree with the PP who thought it a bad idea to mention the word "patriarchy" near the start. It's kind of like the "No" test. May as well test the waters early on.

quixote9 · 01/01/2020 02:48

It's sexist because these mistakes never go the other way. If it's "just a mistake" 50% of the time bartenders would be handing you the change. Sure it could be an accident, but all the little accidents all have the same message. That is patriarchy.

And the guy blaming you for everything, getting "worked up," making him clumsy, is also patriarchy.

If he's willing to listen (once) and learn (forever), he may not be a total loss, but otherwise, more trouble than he's worth.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread