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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Have I been assaulted?

14 replies

dominika24 · 29/12/2019 19:49

Hi girls,

Since this is a feminist message board I thought this might be a good place to ask - I need your opinion.

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now, we had protected sex but he wanted to start sleeping with me without a condom. I said that first we need to do the STD tests. However, before we did I got drunk at his place - he was sober that evening. We started kissing and had sex but I was too drunk to remind him about wearing a condom - and he didn't wear it. He was sober and knew I didn't want this. Do you think this was a sexual assault?
Thanks

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 29/12/2019 19:53

Yes I do. He took advantage of the fact that you were drunk.
Sadly I do not no there's a lot you can do about it now, you didn't actually withhold consent , you just didn't remind him to wear a condom.
But he is an arse and I would end the relationship.
As an aside, did you have other protection, I.e. like an oral contraceptive?

Quartz2208 · 29/12/2019 19:55

Legally incredibly difficult to prove but morally yes he ignored your wishes and did what he wanted. Definitely relationship ending move

DreamingBe · 29/12/2019 19:58

I'd say it was rape. You made it clear when you were sober that your consent was conditional on using condoms and he deliberately didn't use one when you were too drunk to notice. I don't think you'll be able to do much about it other than dumping him though. :(

DuMondeB · 29/12/2019 20:00

His actions invalidated the terms of your consent, so yes.

A man was convicted in Canada of exactly this.

‘Condom use resistance’ is linked to other forms of sexual aggression too (reference: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/30078371/)

Hope you are ok Flowers

BonnyConnie · 29/12/2019 20:01

If you were drunk enough to be unable to consent and he realised that you were sufficiently drunk to be unable to consent (I infer both from your STD issue) then yes, he raped you.

Fraggling · 29/12/2019 20:01

Well it wouldn't get you anywhere with police etc

Don't see him again massive red flag.

RUSU92 · 29/12/2019 20:05

If you were too drunk to remind him to wear a condom when it is clearly very important to you, were you also too drunk to properly consent? ie were you obviously slurring your words, incapacitated drunk, or do you think you just seemed a bit giggly and just got lost in the moment?

It may be that he thought you were just relaxing your no condom rule (for whatever reason - he clearly doesn't take it as seriously as you do) rather than a calculated move to get one over on you while you were too drunk to fight him off. Context is everything.

From your description you can't speak of his intent, and while the end result was clearly a sexual encounter you would not have consented to if you weren't intoxicated, I don't know if it would be deemed assault or rape by law.

We always say that a previous sexual encounter doesn't mean that you consent EVERY time, so similarly your previous insistence on using condoms could reasonably be overridden by an enthusiastic yes this time to doing it without.

I'm not condoning him doing it without a condom if it was clear that you didn't want that at the time of course. Its just that its often not as black and white as "this is rape/assault and this is not"

AmericanAdventure · 29/12/2019 20:17

How drunk were you? Mostly when I am drunk I am still in total control of my faculties. If you were so drunk that you were not in control of your faculties then the condom question is a red herring because he raped you as soon as he had sex with someone unable to consent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2019 20:27

If you were too drunk to say "use a condom" (she should have anyway BTW) then weren't you too drunk to consent? Especially if he was sober.

Sorry Thanks

Fraggling · 29/12/2019 20:46

Well he was sober and has been pressing previously for no condom sex, she's been clear the answer is no.

Legalities aside his actions are totally irresponsible and going against her wishes, sounds like he saw his opportunity .

Ditch him.

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 20:59

Regardless of the legalities or even if we all say it wasn't (I think it was).... the relationship is fucked up. Do you really want to be with a man that needs reminding about your wishes? A man that the first oppressed he had, as soon as you were vulnerable, went ahead and did something you explicitly told him not to do?

Original poster
dominika24 · 29/12/2019 21:50

Thanks, everyone!

I'm not seeing the guy anymore but I was unsure how to feel about what happened between us. I didn't speak to him about it before we broke up, I feel I should but I don't really want to confront him anymore.

I'm good and safe, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Fraggling · 30/12/2019 12:32

There's no point confronting them at all tbh.

You're best of putting it behind you as best you can.

I'm glad you're ok xx

DuMondeB · 30/12/2019 12:55

You don’t have to confront him.

Well done for getting out.

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