Scared of men

[NameChangedNoImagination]

Sigh... I have come to the point where I can't trust any man whatsoever and am afraid of them.

I've been raped.
I've been verbally abused.
I've been beaten up and robbed.
I've been married to a sexual predator.
I've been called a slut by ex DP.
I've had male 'friends' so supportive and nice, who just wanted to fuck me.
I've been in a religious setting and fucked over and passed over by men.

I watch the news. Sexual violence and general violence and political violence.

I don't trust any man's intentions. I don't like men at all. Why does it have to be like this?

When i was pregnant every time I saw a man I would be afraid. It's beginning to seriously affect my mental health.

What should I do? Just stay away from them? I know there must be some decent men out there but by past experience I don't have the strength to try to discern the real from the fake. Fuck this shit.

It sounds like this is really really affecting you. I'm sorry for the.awful things that have happened to you. The thing is I'm not going to just say "oh but there are lovely men out there who actually respect women". This may be true but it is plain to see there are a mountain of problems in the male gender . Who knows what % of men are toxic? It feels like around 50% to me. If it were 100% I genuinely think with sperm banks, sex toys and financial independence women would in many cases have detached themselves from men completely which has not happened en masse. But your feelings and your experiences are valid. There are a s*load of abysmal men outt there and collectively they need to do much much better. As for you personally I'd work small scale, perhaps asking other women about positive experiences they have had and slowly building up a nuanced picture that way.

I think you could cut back on regular contact with men. Not withdraw completely but maybe make 2020 a man-lite year. Give yourself some downtime.
I did that last year, I worked alongside colleagues, said hi to the postman but that was about it. I just had a quiet year, female friends over to dinner and saw family but that was all. I watch/read less news because it was really distressing me.
It helped me feel calm and happy and in control. I feel more optimistic & like my old self.

Both of those are excellent ideas. I'm afraid to say right now Alanis that I may be too skeptical to receive people's positive experiences. My thought would be, "Wait until he turns on you," sadly.

I think a man-lite year sounds fucking FANTASTIC. That's 2020 sorted.

Sorry you've experienced all that OP. To varying degrees, most women have suffered at the hands of men at some stage in life. It's sad.

I love my partner, he's a lovely kind man (past partners were most definitely not). I love 1 of my brothers, but not the older sexist pig one. & that's it.

On the whole I dislike men. I don't mind male hi n bye acquaintances but I don't want or need male friends, there's always an agenda no matter what they say or some women deny. & I can't be asked to deal with sexism, misogyny etc.

I simply don't have enough interest in men as a whole to want to get into their mindsets and who they are.

Partner knows how I feel and he 'gets' it.

I have a good set of female friends. & I'm happy with that.

Do whatever makes you happy, if you don't want to be around men much then that's OK. Small steps, be kind to yourself. You don't have to be man-focused for anybody.

Also what Mintjulia said is a good way forward.

I've know a few lesbian friends who live completely separatist lifestyles. It's an option.

It's awful that you've had to experience the things that you did and there is nothing wrong with feeling distrustful of men and wanting to avoid them.

I'd reiterate what previous posters have said - cut out as much interactions with men as you can. Some contact is inevitable like work or day-to-day stuff but there's no reason why you would need to involve men in your personal or social life. Build the social networks that make you happy, surround yourself with female friends etc. Women are not obliged to involve men in their lives if they don't want to.

I keep away from them as much as I can

It’s my choice who I mix with.

I relate to you OP. I have ptsd, all of my trauma history is at the hands of men. Why should I trust them? Whether relatives strangers partners friends they always reveal their true selves when you're vulnerable.

The idea of getting into a relationship (I'm desperate for a family) is horrifying. Even hugs hi/bye make me shudder...

I`m so sorry for these terrible things you are talking about. Idk what I would be doing in the similar situation but You probably better to avoid men at all and stay away from any kind of physical contact with them.

Much solidarity and love to you. Like others, I do know men who are decent enough, but the simple fact is that I just have too much tangible evidence that as a class, men can be violent, centred on their orgasm to the subjugation of everything, and see women as, at best, children, and at worst, existing only to service men, sexually, emotionally, physically.

I lay in bed last night, trying to deal with an overwhelming sense of panic that recent events were a prologue to something openly, nakedly misogynistic, and I've had trouble keeping back the tears today.

I wish I could be more encouraging, but I do think protecting yourself by limiting contact with men is a wise and nurturing thing to do when this feeling rises up so strongly.

God, thank you all so much. I needed that. Sigh of relief.

As well as avoidance, which is perfectly sensible, you might consider doing martial arts training. This would go a long way towards boosting your confidence and relieving anxiety on the occasions when you couldn’t help being in the same location as men, eg out socially, on public transport, shopping etc.
DD went to Krav Maga classes, and now knows she can overpower any man and incapacitate him long enough for her to escape the situation. It has given her great confidence - she has no fear of men at all (rather despises them, actually!) - and she now volunteers to provide security at feminist meetings. We shouldn’t have to live our lives in fear of men, and this is one way to address the power imbalance.

Yes, I recall one of the speakers at Lesbians On Chairs suggesting that a positive response to all this was to focus on getting fit and healthy and learning some physical self defence. I've taken it to heart.