Mental health issues after sexual assault. Need support but afraid to talk to anyone about it.

[Dimael]

Almost 2 years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I briefly knew. It took a long time for me to accept what had happened to me and it’s taking even longer to recover. I haven’t reported it and no I still don’t feel ready to. I feel the need to tell someone but I don’t know how. I need it out of my head.
2 years ago today I was chatting online with a friend of a friend who I had met whilst staying with her in Greece. I liked our conversations and was happy to see him when I visited my friend again over Christmas. I was arranging to see him and spend time together. When I got there I found I was staying with him and I didn’t feel comfortable with that idea. When my friend left that night he had a shower and appeared in the room undressed. He tried taking my clothes off and at the same time I was trying to put them back on. I remember him lifting me up and me kicking my legs about. I remember screaming for my parents knowing they couldn’t come and save me. I remember the pain of it. After I called my friend and she refused to come get me, she said I was such a silly little girl.
So I had to stay there for 4 days with this man. I acted normal with him as I was reliant on him for food and getting back to the airport. I needed my abuser to help me.
The next night with my friend in the room he kept making me touch him under a blanket. I kept pulling my hand back but he was stronger than me. I remember feeling so dirty and disgusted with myself afterwards. I washed so many times and researched std and pregnancy symptoms for months after.
There is probably more that I cannot remember. I just know that it has changed my life. At first I was just happy to be home and away from him and life went on not fully understanding what had happened. About 7 months after I was struck down with debilitating anxiety which has stuck ever since.
I was confident and successful in life. Now I am terrified in most situations and live with daily anxiety. I sometimes think I am getting better but then it hits me all over. I have had no help. I feel that others won’t believe me because of my actions before and after. I don’t want to be accused of lying and I don’t want pity. I only want my life back. I feel disgusted with myself. Betrayed by my friend and I lack trust in everyone. I’m so quick to lash out in defence these days and it doesn’t feel like me. I’m so negative about everything and so fearful of losing my friends and family by doing the slightest thing wrong.
Can anyone recommend anything I can do to help. Please don’t guilt me for not reporting it. I can’t face this man again and I can’t tell my parents

Firstly, what a terrible thing to have gone through. Secondly, I'm not sure why you are using the term "friend" to describe the girl who you met on holiday, she is far removed from being any sort of friend. She sounds like she took advantage of your trust and threw you into the jaws of the lion, without a single thought for your welfare. I am wondering why you at least didn't tell your "friend" you were not comfortable staying there, or just got yourself out of the house! I'm guessing you are quite young still. Putting it bluntly, you are not going to be able to deal with this shit situation, unless you talk to someone! Preferably someone who understands these matters. You should go to the Police, but trouble is, it has been too long and there is no evidence I'm assuming? Please seek professional help ASAP!!!

Dimael,, this is terrible. You are trying to deal with so much: being raped, having to go along with the rapist because you had no way of escaping, being betrayed by someone you thought was a friend. No wonder you are suffering from anxiety. Please don’t feel guilty about obeying the rapist — you did what was necessary to survive.

Please contact a rape crisis centre. It doesn’t matter that this happened years ago. You are still suffering the effects now. You need professional help. Here are some contacts:
rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre/
www.itv.com/thismorning/rape-helplines

Best of luck. And never blame yourself for this man’s criminal actions.

You need support. You were in an extremely traumatic situation and you now have trauma. None of this is your fault but you can decide to seek help.

I believe you OP. What happened to you was really shitty.

What you are struggling with is your lack of control. It seems you would prefer to think you acquiesced rather than accept that this was out of your control. And that you, not your friend or the nasty fuck who assaulted you, was wrong.

You weren't wrong. He hurt you.