Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Violent porn becomes mainstream

16 replies

BovaryX · 05/12/2019 06:10

We are training our children to think sex is violence

There is an interesting article in the DM about how violent porn has become mainstream. Several studies are cited which illustrate that porn is a formative influence on how children and young people view sex and how this influences their sexual behavior. It also references how ‘consensual’ violence is being used as a successful defense in murder cases. It is good to see this being given such prominent coverage in such a widely read paper.

The rise of violent porn also appears to have handed men who are already violent or misogynistic an easy excuse for murder

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7756509/Femail-investigation-reveals-terrifying-sex-trend-forced-young-women.html

OP posts:
OP posts:
BarbaraStrozzi · 05/12/2019 07:08

It's a very good article. Kudos to the Mail for reporting Gail Dines' work too.

(Thinks yet again "how the hell do I steer tween DS through this safely? Already doing the stuff on Gail Dines' checklist).

BovaryX · 05/12/2019 07:21

Barbara,
I agree, it’s a good article which covers a lot of salient issues. I understand your concern, the internet has radically changed the landscape and some of these changes are pernicious. Just how pernicious is becoming more evident each day. Who would imagine ten years ago that women would be sacked for citing biological reality on Twitter?

OP posts:
Lamahaha · 05/12/2019 07:32

About six or seven years ago I was a member of a US-based professional website of writers, which had thousands of members (still has but it's less active since most members migrated to Facebook). I was a member there almost since the inception of forum discussions, so I watched the gradual escalation of how writing about violent sex went mainstream.

I remember well how members over there over time began to chat about SM as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world. Female members. How they liked it. They would deride people who liked "vanilla". How they wrote about it, how they were angry at Amazon for censoring their work.

A couple of the female writers wrote extreme porn. You were not allowed (on pain of being called judgemental and outdated) to criticise or say you thought porn was awful, as it meant you were judging another person's livelihood.

I remember one of the authors researching the world of incels for a book. She eventually wrote it. She was very anti-incel and everyone was horrified at the things she said about that world.
This person is the most rabidly pro-trans person I've ever had contact with. I am still 'friends' with her on FB but have blocked her from seeing my posts.

The violent sex these people talked about at the time was very vague --no graphic descriptions of what went on, (which I would not have read anyway). I never read their actual books. They liked to mock books like Fifty Shades (which I haven't read) because it was all so "amateur" and the characters in those books weren't doing it right.

And those were only books, forming pictures in one's head. With videos, actual living porn actors and actresses, acting out the scenes, how much worse.

Without having read the books, I do think the Fifty Shades phenomenon played a part in normalising something that most women, I think, would find repellent. Since then people, women, seem to be more accepting of SM as normal, healthy sex. It absolutely is not. I think that liking violent sex points to mental disturbance. But it's not something you can say out loud these days.

BovaryX · 05/12/2019 07:44

But it's not something you can say out loud these days

It’s interesting, isn’t it? The list of things which can’t be said seems to be ever expanding. The women cited in the DM article were coerced into it because porn has promoted it as a mainstream activity, not a niche fetish. The fact it’s being presented as a credible defense in murder trials is another lethal example of its mainstream acceptance

OP posts:
FannyCann · 05/12/2019 08:06

But it's not something you can say out loud these days.

When women come onto threads on Twitter saying things like "I like a bit of breathe play" I tell them they are part of the problem. Normalising a dangerous, abusive practice and putting MY daughters at risk.

It has attracted the odd pile on but plenty of women will support statements like this. Kink shaming? Too right. Kink shaming is my new thing. I'm going to call out this behaviour wherever I see people defending it.
It is indefensible.

Say it. SAY IT OUT LOUD.

We need to get that conversation going and get the message across.

#wecantconsenttothis

BovaryX · 05/12/2019 08:11

I don’t think ‘shaming’ women is particularly helpful. I think what is helpful is highlighting the fact that the ubiquity of porn has created an environment where reluctant women are bullied into it. And murderers are using it as a defense

OP posts:
Lamahaha · 05/12/2019 09:40

I agree with FannyCann -- we need to say it out loud. I dislike the word "shaming" because it assumes that truth has to be compromised because other people might feel ashamed. That's exactly what put is in this situation: "always be kind"; "don't say words that might be hurtful", "shut up, you old prude".

I've noticed that frequently, when a woman says something sexually conservative, she'll prefix her words with, "I'm no prude, but...".
Our sexual mores have reversed over the last few decades: it's now a cool thing to be sexually adventurous, do all the wild girl stuff, and "prude" is the greatest insult.

More and more, I'm reclaiming the word "prude". Even though I won't say anything on that particular forum, I have no reservations in saying that "this is sick" when if comes to sexual behaviour that is obviously off the charts dangerous and obscene. We absolutely need to give girls the confidence to say no.

I grew up in a time when it was common practice for girls to say they'll wait for marriage to have sex.

I then came of age during the wild 60's so I went in the other direction. Did many things I'm now bitterly ashamed of and I look back with horror at some of the nasty men who were able to "have" me at a click of their fingers. I can't believe how undiscriminating I was.

So now I'm back to being a prude, and confidently so.
The day sex became easily available to men is the day we all started to go downhill. We have to teach girls once again to say no. This time it's not to sex before marriage (that train has passed!) but to the ever more depraved demands of men.

Justhadathought · 05/12/2019 11:10

I don’t think ‘shaming’ women is particularly helpful. I think what is helpful is highlighting the fact that the ubiquity of porn has created an environment

The environment it has created is one in which the sexual imaginations of young women is formed.....our sexual responses are deeply impacted by early experiences, and particularly by visual imagery.

Once you have seen an image - it is virtually impossible to get it out of your head. One's sexual responses then become conditioned to associate certain types of imagery, or act, with a sexual response.

It is not so much about 'liking' as about conditioning.

Justhadathought · 05/12/2019 11:17

So now I'm back to being a prude, and confidently so.The day sex became easily available to men is the day we all started to go downhill. We have to teach girls once again to say no. This time it's not to sex before marriage (that train has passed!) but to the ever more depraved demands of men

like you I had all sorts of sexual experiences when young...and put myself into, and got myself into, some pretty 'uncomfortable' experiences. 'Casual' sex doesn't really exist in a way that is healthy and self regarding - certainly not for women, anyway. What is being sought in most cases of 'casual' sex cannot be found there.

Lamahaha · 05/12/2019 11:28

Justhadathought, what horrifies me, looking back, is how easily I gave in to men's demands. In some cases I didn't even like him particularly. It certainly wasn't for my own benefit or pleasure. I simply slept with him because he wanted to. I had no desire whatsoever but I did it. Honestly, I could give the younger me a shake! And in those days it wasn't even oral sex that men were demanding -- that wasn't a thing yet. Once, it was oral sex. It was the first I'd ever heard of it, and I most definitely didn't want it, but I let him. What on earth was I thinking???

Thelnebriati · 05/12/2019 11:51

Lamahaha One of the things feminism has tried to change is that girls are brought up without a coherent sense of self.
We are disconnected from our own wants, desires, feelings and reactions. We are trained to shut up and put up, and go along with whatever men want.
At the same time we are constantly told that girls are more mature than boys, so we assume that our acquiescence is maturity.

Lamahaha · 05/12/2019 12:08

Sorry typo in my last post: once it was anal sex, not oral. Men were not even expecting or demanding oral sex back then.
But one guy asked for anal and I let it happen. So that was the most extreme thing I did. I felt awful afterwards.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 06/12/2019 03:54

I had dinner with a single friend a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed hearing about her dating life (I've been married wayyyy too long so like to listen to her stories). She was married for almost 16 years so she's all out there at the moment, good for her. She's actually gone from a "Charlotte" to a "Samantha" this year.

I was shocked to hear that she's had several partners this year who've smacked her and strangled her during sex - even the first time they've had sex. Thrusted unnecessarily hard into her. Pulled her hair. One was trying to stick his whole hand in her mouth?!! One ejaculated all over her face (and in her eye resulting in a visit to a&e two days later as she was still in pain).
She didn't like it so told them to stop (which they did), but then they proceeded to make her feel vanilla or a prude. Ha, a prude on a one night stand. They apparently claimed "all women love this" or "the ex loved it"??!!!

So we were discussing why men are doing this. I suggested porn, they see it there, get desensitized and view it as the norm. I also think things like 50 shades didn't help one bit. When that came out I think men everywhere were thinking most females had become kinky sex obsessed women over night. I've overheard teenage girls saying how they like to be spanked? Are they saying this to please males or be more appealing to males?

Anyhow, the story she told me that tickled me, was how she was on a one night stand with a young '20-something stud' who stuck his manhood in her ass before going straight into the vagina. Then again. Then again. She sat him down to give him a health lesson and a lecture on why you do NOT ever do that.....then guess who turns up for a graduate interview at the bank she works at?!! 😂

Creepster · 06/12/2019 04:50

When the police do it to a suspect they call it "lethal force". When a man does it to a woman they call it "breath play".

HepzibahGreen · 06/12/2019 17:07

Of course you can enjoy casual sex and one night stands as a woman. I have some fond menories, but even when I was a teenager I was unusual among my friends in being committed to only doing things I wanted, not to pleasing males.
Even in the 90s there was pressure on girls to be up for anything, but the pressure now must be so much worse.
As an adult woman dating a few years ago I encountered men who assumed hair pulling or slapping were just fine, but who had no idea how to actually please a woman!
I worry all the time about porn though and don't know why violence against women is legal to show just because it involves sexual parts? I worry about my dc and the fact that some kids have watched a woman be anally penetrated before they have even kissed anyone. It's going to warp their whole sense of sexuality.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread