Spectator article about policing of reactions

[somebrightmorning]

www.spectator.co.uk/2019/11/why-is-no-one-admiring-debbie-harrys-resilience/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=WEEK%20%2020191130%20%20AL&utm_content=WEEK%20%2020191130%20%20AL%20CID_e79f5820c35f2afe86f632f6e93a34d3&utm_source=CampaignMonitor_Production&utm_term=Why%20is%20no%20one%20admiring%20Debbie%20Harrys%20resilience

not quite sure what I think. There is probably something in it. Maybe the problem is that stoicism and continued success/thriving is a rare combination. For every Debbie Harry and the Queen there are an awful lot of people suffering in silence.

I do think there's something in it though. I had one of the "adverse childhood" experiences growing up and my feelings about are not always what received wisdom says they "should" be.

I think that's a very interesting article. I've had the experience of being vilified because someone thought that I didn't have the "right" reaction to my own experience, not emotional enough apparently, and it didn't lead me to the right conclusions.

There can be a strong element of accusation of letting the side down with this sort of thing.

I had a shit time being bullied in my teenage years and I wish it had made me a stronger person able to overcome adversity and be a success, like you hear other people doing in 'misery memoirs', but actually it caused what is turning out to be lifelong damage.

However I'm truly thankful that life wasn't lived online then like it is now as I probably wouldn't have survived it. And I am, actually, a long way from being a so-called snowflake.

I admire stoicism. Doesn't necessarily mean someone is emotionally stunted. I can't bear the current spate of everything everywhere being 'triggering'.

Interesting.

One of my DC was a failing to thrive baby who would scream in pain for up to six hours at a time. The first time the GP sent us to A&E she stopped screaming as soon as we arrived and the doctors seemed to assume I was neurotic (indeed about that time I was reported to SS for appearing as if I was not coping, when all I needed was for someone else to share my very real concerns.).

The second time the baby performed. She screamed and screamed, with nurses running round looking panicked. Again I got weird looks. The fact that now it was someone else’s problem was a huge relief and I relaxed for the first time, probably since the baby was born. The nurses seemed to think that my lack of concern, when my baby was clearly in pain, was odd. I could not win. Other people seemed determined to decide how I as a mother should react, and judge me on that basis.

More generally I think assuming how people should react is dangerous. Using my recently acquired FWR knowledge, I am helping someone ‘grey rock’ a narcissist. The narcissist is demanding drama, engagement and reaction. Grey rock is not OK, when a bully demands attention. Yet it is probably the only way to get through.

Fair enough, but this is not a new thing. Camus' "The Stranger" is all about that, isn't it?

Everyone is different and we sometimes forget that. I've known lots of people who react badly to one bad experience, like a burglary or assault, for me it takes two or three repeats for it to particularly bother me.

I was frequently caned in primary school and I preferred that a thousand times to having to write out lines or the detention that we were given in secondary school, but I don't advocate that for other people.
And I didn't mind being caned at school, but I don't advocate f

Agree that we shouldn't police reactions and that stoicism or the stiff upper lip have been unfashionable recently.

The trouble in this context is that there are plenty of people who already don't give a enough of a shit about rape and plenty who would be quite happy to use this sort of example to say "See? It isn't the end of the world, women. No need for a long prison sentence" or whatever.

Yes Antibles I agree. It's a fine line!

I agree with you there, Antibles.

@Coyoacan nice reference!