How do I become a feminist when I was raised by a sexist

[AnxietyDream]

My beloved father is a huge sexist. Somehow I didn't notice this until I was 30.

My then boyfriend and I were making something together, and I realized my dad kept talking about it as his project. Then suddenly I thought back to all the 'jokes' about women that maybe weren't jokes. And I remembered being a child and being the only girl on the school football team, or carrying the heaviest luggage when we went on holiday, and all the other things I did to try to impress my dad with how much 'not like a girl' I was. And the more I thought the more I realised how firmly he had convinced me that girl = bad.

I loved English and maths at GCSE, but threw myself entirely at the maths side for a levels and degree because arts subjects are clearly effeminate.

It fucked up the ways I have related to boyfriends in more ways than I can count. I have always been desperate to please, to become worthy, to my own detriment.

I'm dwelling on it right now, because DH and I had a row which my parents found out about, and my dad's advice was that if I could just be more of a 50s housewife doormat DH wouldn't be so stressed. (DHs stress is actually post traumatic linked to his family dying and nothing to do with the fact that he had changed a few nappies).

Oh and apparently I need to give DH more 'space' because all men need more space. (I don't know what he thinks women need, perhaps they have no needs?).

When actually it was me who felt I needed more space because I was finding looking after toddlers so demanding I just wanted to be alone at the end of the day.

I think it's affected the way I relate to other women - for years as a teen I only really had male friends, because I felt in some way that only 'male' hobbies were worth pursuing.

I just feel I was raised with this really sexist and self hating worldview and one day I broke through and saw it for what it was, but I still can't change all the subconscious ways it makes me think.

I don't know what I want from this post really, to see if anyone can relate, or of anyone thinks I can 'unlearn' these toxic messages that women are second rate and that I am utterly worthless.

Question everything. You already are, it sounds.

You've obviously got a great insight into what's going on inside your head which gives you a head start on changing.

On the feelings of women and girls being lesser I would recommend getting involved in feminist websites, facebook groups and physical groups if possible to talk to and interact with as many fantastic women as possible.

On the feelings of personal worthlessness I would keep challenging them where you see them popping up, make sure people treat you with the respect you deserve and be assertive when you need to be. Therapy is something that might help you to do this.

You are fantastic, women in general are fantastic.

I share a lot of your feelings I think.

One of my brothers is very sexist. My dad was quite sexist. My mum is a total misogynist, and that’s really depressing. No mother or wife or granny on the planet is as amazing as her, oh no. (It was a shit marriage by the way.)

I have grown up feeling worthless, stupid, irrelevant, unimportant. The sun shines out of my brothers’ fragrant arses. God help their partners though, they’ll never be good enough in my mother’s opinion.

So many women are in this situation.

My father wasn’t sexist (well, other than in that I suspect it runs so rampant in our society that everyone probably is), but I picked up the same messages from other places. I was always trying to be “one of the lads” or “as good as a man”.

If you have time, I recommend some assertiveness training. I read this when I was in my twenties:

www.amazon.com/Assertiveness-Work-Practical-Handling-Situations/dp/0077095332?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I read it and realised that it had never crossed my mind that I had as much right to an opinion as any other person and that I had the right to voice that opinion without being shamed. Sounds ludicrous, but I really hadn’t worked that out.

It’s a work in progress. That was more than twenty years ago and I still struggle, but I’m way more outspoken that I once was.

I guess the thing is we all grow up in a patriarchy. And we all inherit its messages.

Some of us more than others, of course.

But OP, I think it's amazing that you recognise it now. And of course once seen, it can never be unseen.

And you will find that people (men) become rather nonplussed when you question things. Because the reason things have stayed the same is a sense of entitlement, that once challenged cannot be justified.

Do you like reading? I read feminist books, lots and lots of them. They helped me analyse the way I looked at the world and highlighted my blind spots. It sounds like you’re well on the way though if you recognise your internalised misogyny.

I had the same problem. My dad was ex-Army and incredibly sexist. He even went to my school and complained when I was taught about women's franchise and the Suffragettes.

However, it's surprising, but I found I was the quickest to spot the misogyny in the articles and examples that our teacher showed us at school. To me, it was instantly and blindingly obvious and I couldn't understand how no-one else could see the outrageousness in quotes such as
"How did you feel when you found out it was written by a woman and not a real person, as you'd thought?"
yet feminist girls didn't see it until it was pointed out to them - and then, of course, were appalled.

I think that a lot of feminists don't understand the difficulties of growing up in a very sexist home, but I also think that most people come to the realisation that their parents are not the fount of all knowledge and they did - and still do - get things wrong, sometimes very badly wrong be it racism, sexist or other bigotry.

Education is the key. Education in schools and, especially, self-education. The world's philanthropists and campaigners are often the opposite of what their parents would desire them to be.

I just feel I was raised with this really sexist and self hating worldview and one day I broke through and saw it for what it was, but I still can't change all the subconscious ways it makes me think.
Go easy on yourself. A change of mindset takes time.

OP, ALL feminists grew up in a sexist patriarchal society! Older ones (including me) were born when abortion was illegal in the U.K., the Equal Pay Act was a future pipe dream, no women’s refuges existed, there were 10% quotas on female medical students in London, girls had to get higher marks than boys to pass the 11 plus, women couldn’t even get a loan or buy goods on credit without a male guarantor. Domestic violence was regarded as a joke and contraception had to be paid for via a private prescription- it was not available on the NHS.
Yet somehow, we became feminists. I’d suggest the worse the discrimination, the easier it is to see, and it’s MORE likely to drive one into the feminist movement.
Keep reading, keep thinking, look at the excellent feminist board on MN, both for information/education but also with the chance to chat with some inspiring women. I’m always impressed by the knowledge of politics, statistics and law shown by the posters on here. Good luck with your journey!

How did you feel when you found out it was written by a woman and not a real person, as you'd thought?

I have to ask - what on earth is that a quote from?

Realisation is the biggest thing - you’ve done that

My dad desperately wanted a son and I desperately tried to be his stand in (my name is the female diminutive of the boys name he had chosen). I did ‘boys’ hobbies and followed my fathers favourite sports teams. I was desperate to please him.
By my mid teens I realised it was a fruitless endeavour. Man is a narcissist and a manipulator.

Sounds like you have already avoided the mistake of subconsciously picking a husband exactly like your father - you must be better at shedding your father’s influence than you are currently giving yourself credit for?

Have you talked to your mum about it?

I went to counselling for something unrelated where a lot of my daddy issues tumbled out. I thought counselling would be nonsense but it turned out to be worthwhile. Something to consider?

I think feminism in the individual happens precisely because of looking back at the subtle horrors of upbringing, idiot parents, and shitty life experiences that make one go, “hang on a minute!”

I found it around the age of two or three when I was ENRAGED when my parents were trying to get me into frilly underwear with ribbons on. (They thankfully didn’t force me.) My brothers weren’t subjected to such nonsense.

I was absolutely gutted for some reason when my dad I explained that I was his daughter, and not his son like my brothers.

Just a general sense of not being as good or worthy as the boys.

Aargh. I’m not terribly knowledgeable, I just know how I feel.

I totally threw a spanner in the works by not being the third boy they were expecting. It took them ages to come up with my names because it just hadn’t occurred to them that they might have a girl!

“How did you feel when you found out it was written by a woman and not a real person, as you'd thought?”

I have to ask - what on earth is that a quote from?

It was a quote from an interview with a celebrity that the teacher read out in class. I’m afraid I can’t say exactly where it was from, I can only remember the quote.

Shocking, isn’t it? I’ve never forgotten waiting for someone else to jump on it, but they just didn’t even see it. I remember, when I pointed it out, my friend said “Bloody cheek!!” and the teacher responded “But you didn’t spot it, Debbie! Only one person in a class of 32 girls spotted it!”
The teacher didn’t actually believe me when I first told her how sexist my dad was. She’d met him at parents evenings and thought he was very nice...
Until he complained

Hey op, I was brought up in a very sexist home and had subconsciously absorbed a lot more than I realised. Once my eyes were opened I was able to see things differently. Even now I might remember something from my childhood or something and think hang on a second, that wasn't right. It wasn't a dramatic, overnight transformation.

I also had the looking down on other women thing. A lot of us are brought up to see each other as competition I think, and to look down on anything associated with being female. I think what helped me the most with that, honestly it was Mumsnet. Spending time (even virtually) with other women. Well this poster said it better....

I’d suggest the worse the discrimination, the easier it is to see, and it’s MORE likely to drive one into the feminist movement.
Keep reading, keep thinking, look at the excellent feminist board on MN, both for information/education but also with the chance to chat with some inspiring women. I’m always impressed by the knowledge of politics, statistics and law shown by the posters on here.

I get it - I twigged quite early on that my Dad didn’t like women (I think he doesn’t mind me because I’m “like a man” and like you I rejected femininity to gain approval)

I see now my DM has a lot of internalised misogyny and only from becoming interested in radical feminism and reading/listening/watching have I actually come to appreciate women.

In the past, apart from a select few, I would honestly say I really didn’t like women either. I still prefer males and masculine women if I’m brutally honest. It’s what I’m comfortable with. But I am changing and seeing things differently.

There’s a lot of work to do for many of us; some are further ahead than others. Many of us have a lot of baggage!!

Once you see misogyny, that’s it, it’s everywhere and feels overwhelming.