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Original poster

HR make women leave halloween party for dressing too male, "triggering" transwoman colleague

55 replies

wigglybluelines · 29/10/2019 11:40

I saw this post on Reddit. This is another level. I can well imagine a TW would get upset by this, that's not surprising. It's that any HR professionals are indulging this bonkers behaviour that has me Shock

I'm 26/F. Yesterday my job had a halloween party that I looked forward to.

I dressed up as Harvey Two Face, spent half an hour having half my face done with makeup, etc. I didn't go as a female Harvey Two face with a feminized outfit, etc... I went as the male Harvey Two face wearing a men's suit (my boyfriend helped me pick one out), men's shoes, etc.

Everyone loved the costume and for the first hour or so things were fine. Two of my male coworkers also showed up in gender bending costumes (one was Captain Marvel in a body suit with a wig, the other came as Harley Quinn in a skirt). Overall everyone had a good time.

Then my coworker who is a transwoman (let's call her Sarah) got to the party. I've never had an issue with her and as far as I know no one at work has given her a problem (although I'm not HR so I can't know that for sure).

A bit after she showed up HR pulled me to the side along with my trans coworker and told me that it would be best if I left because my costume was offensive and triggering to Sarah.

I asked what she meant and Sarah told me that me being a woman and dressing as a man is triggering to her, because people still know I'm a woman, but if she were to dress as a male character people would doubt her womanhood because she's trans.

I told her that I don't understand and that there are other people here (the two guys) who are in gender bending costumes, and she said it wasn't about them and that I am the one who is triggering because I have "cis female privilege". She also said that for all she knows the two guys might have trans feelings they aren't ready to come out about, so it isn't her place to tell them that they can't dress feminine.

I told her that she is assuming things about me that she isn't about them and that I don't mean any harm, but I like my costume. At that point HR told me she can't make me leave, but that Sarah had been crying in the bathroom earlier and that it would mean a lot if I just left for the night.

So I said my goodbyes and left, but I cried in the Uber home. I was having a good time. I didn't mean to hurt anyone with my costume, but I don't understand why being a female means that I had to leave, while the guys were free to wear their feminine costumes.

AITA for feeling this way? AITA for showing up in a costume without thinking about transwomen? I'm confused.

There's another party a friend is having tonight, but I don't know if I even want to go because I don't want to upset trans people.

I'm still dealing with this as it happened last night, but now I'm upset that I'm being censored on reddit. From what people who have PM'd me have said, they knew my post would get removed because reddit doesn't allow anyone (especially women) to say anything about trans people (specifically trans women).

I just think it's wrong that I was made to leave the party while the two men who cross dressed were allowed to stay. I don't get it.

What's next? Women won't be allowed to wear pants because it will trigger transwomen? After that? What if women existing triggers transwomen? Where does it stop? Why do her feelings matter more than mine?

Reddit thread here: It seems like a lot of transwomen hate cis women just for existing and reddit doesn't want people talking about it. I was recently a victim of this

It includes info about how Reddit initially deleted her post and also follow up that she's contacting a lawyer and that one of the guys who was crossdressed contacted her after to say he's outraged at what happened to her and left in protest.

I really hope she sues.

OP posts:
TerfTalk · 29/10/2019 13:24

She says she’s taking legal action, so we should find out if it’s true or not soonish?

Fatshedra · 29/10/2019 13:31

Sounds far fetched to me, the story not the behaviour.

skql · 29/10/2019 13:36

i never have known there's female harvey.

BarbaraStrozzi · 29/10/2019 13:37

It's possible, but unlikely. I can imagine something like this happening in Portland or Vancouver, as pp have said. My "cool story, bro" response is largely due to a lot of troll threads on here - you get a sense for when "hot button" issues are being woven into a post with just the right amount of froth potential and scope for later drip-feeding in the thread ("Now some of the men have got in touch to back me up", "Now I'm consulting lawyers...")

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 29/10/2019 13:38

Can you be sure on Reddit that stuff isn't made up? It's an entertaining story but one that I'd take with a pinch of salt.

On the other hand, if it is true, then we're all doomed and the sooner a comet takes out the human race the better.

This. It feels too much like a story identifying as a screen shot grabbing opportunity.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 29/10/2019 13:41

I am reserving judgement on this one (and who has work Halloween parties?)

Fatshedra · 29/10/2019 13:47

If the trans person was such a touchy snowflake then the poster, as she is a colleague, would know this and avoid dressing as a male or do stuff to trigger her.

Apollo440 · 29/10/2019 13:51

Fatshedra If they were this controlling I would do what the fuck I want to make a point.

Apollo440 · 29/10/2019 13:52

I should add that I am male so perhaps a typical male response to challenge.

JellySlice · 29/10/2019 13:56

I don't understand why being a female means that I had to leave, while the guys were free to wear their feminine costumes.

Because penis?

(Or have I fallen for the Bingo card?)

RuffleCrow · 29/10/2019 14:01

It's jealousy and misogyny combined. I bet she looked awesome, that's what this was really about.

PopeHalloweerious · 29/10/2019 14:10

It does really read like similar threads that were pulled from FWR for being bullshit.

BreakWindandFire · 29/10/2019 14:36

I am reserving judgement on this one (and who has work Halloween parties?)

Americans?

Jaxhog · 29/10/2019 14:44

I would write to HR and tell them that as a woman thinking of transitioning to a man, you were deeply hurt by this experience. Claim 'trans priviledge' back.

I wish I didn't believe this either, but the way things are going...

JenniferM1989 · 29/10/2019 14:59

People don't really have work Halloween parties and especially not on a Monday before Halloween either. Then a friend is also having a party 3 days early too? Doubt it

Original poster
wigglybluelines · 29/10/2019 15:05

People don't really have work Halloween parties

Not in the UK, not. But Halloween is a much bigger deal in the US (where this thread is from I think).

Google "work Halloween party" and you'll find loads of American links with tips for organising an office Halloween party.

How common it is I don't know, but it certainly isn't unheard of, anyway.

OP posts:
QuantumEntanglement · 29/10/2019 15:07

Entirely possible that this is not true, but it was not HR but the male who told the woman she had cis-privilege.

Reread it and it was the HR woman who said it though. Actually it's partly this that makes me doubt the veracity. I live in the wokest part of Wokeville, Wokiefornia and it's like treading eggshells in the workplace here, HR don't make a move without first checking with an army of company lawyers in the current environment and doubly so at company social events so a costume party with all the potential for accusations of cultural appropriation, racism, sexism? Nah.

The OP later states she is the only black person working in the company and the complainant is white.

This makes it even less likely anyone in HR would touch this without legal eagle reinforcements working with a nit comb through the privilege scale implications of a transperson v a person of color - if the HR person valued their job that is! That pushes it over the edge into well over-egged for me.

If this scenario were posted in AIBU with that kind of massive dripfeed, well, most people would have to sit on their hands to avoid being pulled up for troll-hunting.

PopeHalloweerious · 29/10/2019 15:37

I've been to several work Halloween parties in both UK and US. This is not the part that's ringing false.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2019 15:38

It does seem too bizarre to be true ....however last year if someone showed me a picture of Laurel Hubbard and told me that she was a female weightlifter I would think it was made up too Confused

CharlieParley · 29/10/2019 15:41

Reread it and it was the HR woman who said it though

Sarah is the male. Everything from "Sarah told me" to "At that point HR told me" is the male talking to the OP.

As for HR not daring to put a foot wrong - it depends where she lives and what industry she works in. When we lived in the States we came across a lot of discrimination going on, both being reported on and discussed publicly as well as privately from friends and neighbours. The law varies from state to state and on FWR we actually discussed at least one case of discrimination at work recently (on dress code) where HR was part of the problem.

I still don't know whether this story is true or not - people make up all kinds of stuff - but when it comes to claims of infringements against people who identify as trans and everyone else's rights right now, the situation is far from clear cut. And HR have their hands tied more often than not.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 29/10/2019 15:44

who has work Halloween parties?

Um, I've spent the afternoon dressed as a witch.

I was working with pre-schoolers at the time though.

(my daughter works in car insurance and her workplace has Halloween parties so it does happen in adult settings)

I understand people being wary of this type of story but it is very worrying that we are living in a time where I even entertain the idea that this did happen rather than one where everyone falls about laughing at the sort of idiot who thinks bog standard XY people can ever be anything other than men so it never could. Yet here we are.

Michelleoftheresistance · 29/10/2019 15:46

I know what you mean. The batshittery has reached a point where I'd believe almost anything, because what's the diff?

On the other hand, please please let this be fake news, because I am not standing still while women are forced to fake femininity in order not to upset male born people/not to shake their illusion. Because that's way past any line of tolerable imposition on others. That's the point you find your sobbing trans employee a good psychotherapist who is going to help them get a grip.

SleepWarrior · 29/10/2019 15:53

This sounds fake to me. Not the series of events per se, but the neat, convenient way it was told. The bit in the Uber where despite feeling angry and crying, she decides not to go to the other Halloween party because she doesn't want to upset any more trans people. Just seems a little... disingenuous and made up.

But as others have said, who knows these days. Annoying if it's fake and destined to stir up hate, even more annoying if it really happened.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/10/2019 15:55

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kesstrel · 29/10/2019 18:27

Seems likely the party would have been on the Friday night, which makes sense for an after-work do in the US. She seems to have written the post the next day, the Saturday, and posted it on the first reddit. Then when it got deleted, she reposted it on the Monday (2 days ago). And if you're going to have a Halloween party on a Friday, you'd probably have it the Friday before Halloweeen rather than the Friday afterward.

I can believe it - the HR person didn't tell her she had to leave, just asked her to. The way transwomen are kowtowed to these days I can definitely see that happening. Not all HR people are experienced and unflusterable.

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