How to explain feminist issues to young kids?

[RowanFox]

I’m struggling. My 6 year old girl has always been a tomboy, but now is starting to want to wear pink/glitter/tiny shorts because her peers do. There’s also a lot of “girls can’t do that” starting to surface. I just don’t know how to begin this conversation, and how to continue an open dialogue on this as she gets older. I would say I’m a pretty well read feminist and she’s been exposed to a lot of the “women who did great things” type books as well as general positivity around equality. But I need more. I need guidance on how to begin to explain women’s equality issues at a child’s level that dodges my anger around this and doesn’t scare her off.
Any advice appreciated!

Huge brain dump here of what I do say to day with DD(5) and DS(7) and have done for several years.

correct her / others as soon as the stereotypes come out. If someone comments on her looks, make sure you balance it with a comment and her achievement / talents.

Outright 'No, girls can be pilots - let's look some up' or 'there's no such thing as girls and boys toys'.

Actively DONT comment on other girls' dresses / hair etc but instead ask a question about what they are doing / feeling.

Find role models in your family / friends that buck 'traditional' roles - we have a female cousin police officer, a mum friend who's a GP, a male friend who's a teacher, a female scientist, my brother does all the cooking in their family etc etc. And talk about them a lot.

Point out the same on TV / films.

Praise girls for doing 'boy' things eg strong, brave, running and praise boys for 'girl' stuff eg creative, colouring nicely, being kind, looking after dolls / toys.

I've yet to actually deal with the societal issues of the patriarchy but I think I do occasionally and casually point out that the world is set up for men which makes it harder for women (I can't reach the oven clock etc!).

I think I may attempt to explain marketing soon as DS(7) could probably get his head around basic idea and how it's aimed at people but doesn't mean that ONLY those people like it.

I also try to centre women in DDs world by all neutral things eg animals / odd characters are female eg 'oh look DD there's a squirrel digging - I wonder what she's looking for'

I intend to talk to them both about it as much and as soon as I can so it's not a big conversation at a certain point but more an ever present lesson on how to smash the patriarchy

Don't worry too much. They go through these phases. It's all about fitting in with the group and will probably pass within a year or two as the fashion changes.

My daughter went through a phase when she thought dumbing down was adorable, but she's nothing like that now.

I think it helps to take the perspective that:
A. She's socially sensitive and trying to adjust. Good, this is a strength.
B. It's a good chance to show you respect her choices (you wouldn't pick pink sparkles but support her choice to do so)

But, yeah, keep saying that no, girls can do whatever. And boys can too, of course, wear pink etc.

I'm a STEM ambassador and as a female, one of the things I do is speak to young people about women in STEM and try to break down the idea that's it's a man's world.
We do a task with students where we ask them to draw a mathematician, a scientists, an IT professional and an engineer. 9/10 draw men in all these roles (doc brown as the scientist, guys like those from the IT crowd as IT professionals, engineers are men in overalls and mathematicians look like male professors with elbow patches usually). We then ask them why they've drawn men or why they haven't drawn women. Considering the session is ran by several women in STEM roles, they still draw men. Getting them to think about 'why' they've drawn men often helps the young people understand how unfair that is. It's only one small task but it's definitely a good one to try.

I like using good natured incredulity at the ignorance of a sexist society.

“Did you know that some people actually used to believe that girls can’t be firefighters!??? How RIDICULOUS is that??”

I do it so often that she has told me about some equally “ridiculous” thing another kid said about not/girl stuff.

Point is, these attitudes deserve ridicule and if she’s used to hearing that, then great.

We also talk a ton about how the ONLY differences between boys and girls are the reproductive system (whether you can have a baby in your tummy or if you have a penis). So that helps because it’s pretty self evident that should not be a career decider.

I have 7 year old who loves glitter, unicorn and all things pink- most of her friend are the same.
We’ve had lots of conversations over the last year or two about why she thinks there are things only boys can do, again peer pressure they repeat what they hear.
We all watched the Womens World Cup as a family and regularly cheer on women athletics and tennis finals, commenting on the strength of the athletes and how hard they train to earn their places.
We also talk about her future in terms of her choices: if she wants a family, if she chooses to get married to balance the narrative she is fed elsewhere.
I’ve steered clear of Disney and fairytales as much as possible; I really don’t like the messages in stories such as Beauty and the Beast, The Frog Prince etc.
We have the Great Women books too. She was flicking through the history one today and took A Vindication of The Rights of Woman from the bookshelf fit a flick through. Does she understand any of it? Definitely not, but an interest is enough for me right now.
She is aware of the difference between gender vs sex though- we’ve definitely had that talk 😀

Do the things she is being told "girls can't".
I had sons and grandsons and for them seeing me do the things "girls can't" is the reason they never pretend to be shocked when girls can.

I was at my cousin's about 10 years ago when I heard her grandson coming up the hallway chanting "girls can't" over and over again. He needed to believe it so badly he chanted it.

Yes - correct any "girls can't do X" as soon as they happen. Google images is very helpful for immediately delivering lots of women doing X.

Also - no boy or girl toys, just toys you find fun and toys you're not that bothered by.

Also by this age children have a well developed sense of fairness (albeit one often invoked selectively to their own advantage) so lots of "do you think it's fair that girls sometimes get told they can't do this/have to do that?"

I've always stated that there are no such things as boy's or girl's toys/clothes/hobbies/personalities/jobs/etc. That people used to think that there were, but these days most people knew better. Although there were still some people that still believed such things, which is why sometimes silly things were said.

It clearly has gone in based on a conversation we had the other day. The subject of pantomime dames came up. I started to explain that the tradition was one a man wearing women's clothes...

DD(8) interrupted me with a stern look.
"Mummy, there is no such thing as women's clothes"

A little sumptuary law history can be entertaining.

Brain dump here too. I have 4 and 6yo girls

I find I have to be careful not to demonise the pink and make it forbidden fruit! My approach is that for school shoes etc it has to be comfortable (otherwise boys are getting an advantage aged 4!) but for parties, t shirts etc, whatever they want.

I've found cbeebies really good too, Catie's amazing machines has a female rally driver, bits and bobs the engineer, Maddy's science program. We're also really lucky to know scientists and doctors who are women so I really push hard the career options open to them. I take them to science fairs and they currently (both girls) want to be astronauts and pilots.
My 6 year old corrected her teacher the other day when she described something as 'girly' ☺️. She says we should just put all the 'boys' stuff /girls' stuff in the bin! '

The only thing I'm clear on is they know only women can have babies.

Also as an aside, I showed my 6 year old the faces of the new Victoria secret ad and she picked out the male in seconds. I guess we are hard wired to identify sex!

I wouldn't worry about the pink glittery stage. At 6 my DD loved it, at 9 she is complaining about the lack of choice for girls who don't want pink clothes!

DS (7) was educated on the suffragette movement at the last election using the “ridiculous” approach outlined by a Pp. He’s well versed on “mummy, that’s silly, there is only one girl in Go Jetters/Octonauts” type thing and often points it out. He has also heard me say to people offering “boys” or “girls” things something like “oh, is it for putting on their penises”. I have no shame, at the moment I’m just making him laugh, will consider if this embarrasses him as we get older.

The book Girls can do Anything is great for younger ones. And a good conversation starter for older ones

My DD is 12.

I try to use non gendered language (eg don't automatically refer to a doctor as he if you don't know their sex). Horrid Henry books are really good for this, and your DD is just the right age for them.

I encourage my DD to do sport (as opposed to activities such as dance or drama), as I'm hoping that will do more to promote a can-do attitude and a view of her body as strong and healthy rather than thin and pretty. At the moment she is very keen on netball, but in the past has done swimming / tennis / tag rugby.

I try to explain feminist issues in simple, factual terms and not to bang on about them. Kids are usually very hot on 'fairness' as that's something they can easily relate to, so that can be a better word than 'equality'.

My DD likes wearing belly tops etc. Personally that doesn't bother me at all - it's her body and she can wear whatever clothes she likes and feels comfortable in. I don't think of it as a sexualised thing because it's not to her.

I’m very blunt with both my dd9 and ds5. If they say “girls can’t do that” I say “why? does it require a penis?” Get the dc to justify their assertion. Depending on the individual, it can lead to a discussion of why we might have been lead to believe that some activities are for boys and some for girls.
I’m a secondary school teacher and use the exact same approach with teenagers.

I've used the same as cuckoo, asking about why having a penis is important.

Mine is 10, I encouraged her to look at boys t shirts for example when we are shopping. She was so shocked at how much cooler they were.

I think it's a combination of batting back the stereotypes as you go, and opening their eyes to the social conditioning they are subjected to.

I do lots of the above. Mine are a bit older and encourage them to call it when they see it. Adverts, films etc then praise them when they do. We also talk about tokenism, sexualisation of women (in particular women of colour). We look at the make up of parliament, CEOs, rich lists, sports etc We also discuss why this has happened and how it could change.

It is a relief to see some posters use the 'does that need a penis?"/'will a penis get in the way of that?' lines. I do that, but was a bit embarrassed to admit it.

I am also clear that there are biological differences. So DS(6) knows he cannot have a baby - and I overheard him telling a friend that.

I have found that once you start pointing out things, children start noticing things for themselves. DD thinks it is unfair that the women on Strictly have to wear high heels but the men don't. DD has asked why there aren't as many female characters on various shows he watches - I'm particularly looking at you PawPatrol.

I don't remember having to do much explicitly. It doubtless helped that DH and I are both scientists, I write software from home so DD was never going to think 'girls can't' on that front. She had a range of toys of course, did a range of activities, clothes selected from any kids aisle (she went right off pale pink after climbing the Yorkshire 3 peaks over a couple of weekends when she was 6 in pink trousers and realising that mud stains don't come out easily.) . From about 3 she said she was going to be a 'builder' - she meant 'someone who builds things' ie an engineer. Her year 1 teacher told her 'girls can't be builders' ... DD was outraged at this stupidity! I guess she learned clearly from that incident that just because someone (even an authority figure, let alone a peer) asserts something doesn't make it true.

I'm not sure how much it's nature and how much nurture, but I'm sure it helps if they're more of a goat than a sheep - confident to be themselves.

Language is important - "drama llama" instead of "drama queen", expunging "throw like a girl", "man up" from the phrasebook.

Totally agree about being relaxed about pink and sparkles. (I think the thing to be zero tolerance on is sexualised clothes - but I'm pretty sure that one's obvious to anyone posting here).

The extra level that I know I struggle with is, that by heavily emphasising 'boy' stuff with my DD to balance out the message she is getting from society, I worry that I am adding to the 'girly is bad' message!!

DS has long hair and has had trouble with name calling using 'girl' as a derogatory comment so I used the how ridiculous approach with that as in why on earth would anyone use girl as an insult there's nothing bad about girls is there!!?

I just need to constantly watch myself to make sure I am not constantly devaluing the girl toys / clothes / colours.

Although when I looked at DDs birthday gifts from the in-laws I nearly cried - a styling head thing, a doll and several outfits to dress her up in and some jewellery

The bottom line is that we have to flag up the reality of sexism and structural inequality to our kids without disheartening girls and demonising or inadvertently further entitling boys. It is so difficult. I do many of the things above but also feel out of my depth, OP.

I know what you mean Geoff.. I've struggled with that one too - I remember one occasion when DS was climbing trees in the park with a couple of little girls from his class, and one said to me (very proudly) "I don't like girl stuff, only boy stuff" (which was pretty much me at that age).

In that respect I think it's easier parenting a boy - I could give him the "girl" stuff (my old dolls' house, a toy kitchen) without worrying about him internalising a message about "and this is the only stuff you should play with" (which is a worry with girls).

I stuck to a "no girls/boys toys, just stuff you like/aren't interested in" line (with a side order of "some toys are intrinsically better toys - I know this is bright and shiny and advertised on TV, but how long will you be able to play with this before you get bored?"

For me the traditional toys coded "girl" which are worthwhile are the ones that open up a child's imagination (dolls houses) or open the way to creativity (toy kitchens and an interest in cokery, sewing kits and a whole range of craft products). The crap ones are typically the ones that push messages about personal attractiveness being the be all and end all.

(Ditto "boys" toys - the good ones encourage creativity, construction and engineering skills, outdoors adventurousness, which should be encouraged in both sexes, the crap ones are the mindless destruction ones).

Yy to discussing fairness. We talk about equality and the way men and women are not depicted equally in film, tv etc.

We talk about girls and boys having equal potential, but that society blocks girls.

We talk about stereotyping, what that means and how limiting/ damaging it can be.

We talk about girls and boys being different (what biology means and how it can affect how you live) but equal.

We also talk about respect, boundaries and consent.

Which sounds like I drill them! We just discuss it when something comes up. I have no idea how much they take in though.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and advice so far, I am teary reading that there’s others parents out there - I’m not alone on this!