excluded from womens services

[childrenandhomeless]

When already having learnt my 'how to appease men' lessons only too well, we arrived in Refuge (a safe safe for women and children) to be confronted with men! Terrified, by men, I reacted, badly, due to PTSD, and was emotionally blackmailed into apologising to the man I had offended so badly.

I was told how we must embrace the men who are suffering all the assaults, they didn't in any way even present as women, had all the characteristics that a male has with their loud deep voices, big physique, and entitled air.

That experience fucked with my head in ways beyond explanation. I had to be nice, be pleasant, accepting, but everything inside me was screaming, and at night I screamed in sleep, and cried out HELP ME! Or I just didn't sleep.

I cannot help how much this fucks me up, I have no way of stopping it. It makes me ill.

I cannot now go near any of the crisis services that support women so awesomely. I have made some calls and been repeatedly asked to take up counselling because of what repeatedly happened to me, but I cannot go near them. They are the experts, another service I'm excluded from because it will further damage my ability to live my life.

I am very frightened to speak about it, and I worry I could be banned for saying how seriously I am affected by this awful situatition of being told over, nearly everywhere I go, and yet having these extreme reactions which all cause further damage.

I have nearly lost my life to this, and therefore my children their mother.

I know I am far from the only one, so my story is not special in any way. I feel alone in this exclusion zone, isolated from the world of services that are supposedly for exactly my experience.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

I can't open my mouth for fear of more being shut down, told to appease and accept, despite the very real damage it causes, I am trying to have a voice, but told its not allowed.

I have tried to access a female MP, I am not allowed, because I'm not in the area of a female MP.

A refugee with no recourse to womens services, because the women's services have changed womens services to mixed sex services.

Isn't that exclusionary? Yet, I hear the other exclusionary term used against women who fight for those spaces. How shit, and how blaming.

We became refugees, because thats the best way to be safe apparently, to safeguard your children and yourself.

Homeless and isolated by those supposed to help.

This makes me so fucking angry. I am so sorry this has happened and you have had to exclude yourself from accessing help. Womens service need to wake the fuck up and support the women they exist for. Do you have anyone in real life who can support you? I have no experience of DV/A etc so have no advice but wanted to say many (most?) people would see that this is wrong. Well done on escaping the abuse

Thank you for saying that webweweave

many (most?) people would see that this is wrong. I really need to believe thats true, but experience tells me otherwise and screws up my thinking

If its for others then its not for women, and everywhere I turn its for others.

Tragically without specialist follow up safe womens services I am still living the abuse.

Oh bless you! What a nightmare! This is soooo wrong.

Are you in Devon by any chance? You may not want to say but there was a long thread about the adverts for their refuges a while ago . . .

childrenandhomeless
This is awful you've been put in an impossible situation. I'm so sorry your going through this. You deserve a safe space.I'm so sorry I don't know what to say or how to help, this is wrong

hi childrenandhomeless

Who referred you to the refuge and were they aware that you were specifically seeking women only provision.

I'm asking this as the Government has confirmed that under the Equality Act you are entitled to this.

Were you referred via the National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247. If so then they are not fulfilling the role they are funded to do. If you haven't then contact them and explain what has happened.

You can also search for local services via www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ but appreciate you many already have done that.

You could also try contacting Rights of Women rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/ via their helpline.

The other things I thought of would not help you now which is what I am assuming you need as you have tried to move to a refuge.

eg contact Liz Truss who is the Minister for Women and has recently said in Parliament that she wants to ensure that women's right to same sex services is not jeopardised.

I am not sure about for instance trying to contact the opposition's Minister for Women as it is Dawn Butler who has not always seems that sympathetic to women only services.

If I think of anything else I will come back.

So angry for you OP, fucking appalling

Sorry have somehow assumed you are in England. If you are in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland they have their own Women's Aid federations.

An additional thought - you are a very very powerful writer and have given yourself a loud, clear voice here. Please do consider writing to your MP perhaps from an email address so that he can reply directly, but not be able to contact you any other way. Alternatively write to a neighbouring MP. I did this once, knowing that my MP would not be sympathetic and although the neighbouring MP could not help directly, he took the time to write to me and to explain what he would do to help if I were his constituent. I started my letter saying "I know that you cannot help me but I need someone to hear this . . .His reply was helpful contained some useful pointers for me."

I hope that helps. Keep on posting here if you can, but stay safe - you know about the hidden part of MN, yes?

If you permitted, maybe one of the vocal GC people/names would tweet your story as a thread - show the reality of the trans agenda. The rawness is heartbreaking.

Have just thought that as many refuges also receive funding via local council have you tried contacting your local council. I cant remember the word that is used for the different regions in a local authority area, for for instance I have 3 councillors for the bit where I live, and 2 of them are women.

This is just a thought OP, and please do say no if you are not happy- would you be ok for all of us to send you incredibly moving and honest post to our MPs, under a “this may be one of your constituents, nobody should be left in this awful position, what are you going to do about it” type of covering letter? My MP is already well aware of my views on these issues, but they need to understand the real human impact of the decision being made.

I wish you and your children strength and happiness OP- you deserve all the help in the world and I am appalled at what you have had to face

There have been some really heart-warming things said on here, thank you.

You know when you get goose-bumps, well that.

I can't count the number of times I have thought being in it, was better than being out, because of our experiences, so how messed up is that!

We are hiding somewhere else right now, and have tried the neighbouring MP thing but was directed straight back to this wards male MP.

Whats happening now just isn't working.

If we're not helped to access services we either go back to the abuse (trading a 'secure' roof over our heads and food on the table, for living as refugees and still reliving the abuse over and over).

The escape from it doesn't stop your body and mind reliving it continually, whilst being stalked also.

The police, fail, the womens services, fail, the courts, fail, the crisis centres counselling for recovery, fail.

What's worse than being failed is that it all compounds the abuse as it is further abuse of what my mind and body is screaming at me.

Theres so much more but I darent say too much.

Women talk of getting PTSD from the court process alone.

WA helpline and many services don't offer anything once you leave, fail.

So sorry OP this is awful, so awful. It shouldn't be like this. I'm angry for you but glad you have a safe place for now. I'll
watch this thread to read news and see if there's any way I can help, I think we all need to write to our MPs to ensure that this doesn't happen again. You and women like you need protection and our help.

Everything I want to say, OP, has been said further upthread, and with far more knowledge and poise. But I just want to wish you the best, with the hope you can find a supportive space. It takes so much bravery to leave an abuser, and I just hope you remember that, even when you might not feel so brave.

Thoughts are with you and your children. Sending solidarity

I wish it was safe, we have to leave due to stalking.

If its safe for others to use my OP to raise this to their own MPs I can't see any harm, and if it does actually make any difference to us or others in this position then it will be worth doing.

I know women who, like me, can no longer access the services meant to support them. I mean also things like going to hospital for urgent medical care too as a result of horrifying intimate injuries, fail.

I can't face going into public toilets because of men with dicks out in unlocked and open mixed sex loos (Costa )

This whole appeasing thing is very much part of my nightly nightmares.

Desperation to get away yet stayed by the oppressive expectations of conforming or be judged, or actually suffer gruelling consequences, like being homeless.

Oh jfc, thank you for this space
What a release I just had.

OP, if need be, are you willing to leave the area you currently live in for refuge? It shouldn't be a case of anyone having to do so, and it's so frustrating that the question even arises.

This is sickening. Please take your stories to the papers, women have been silenced enough in history.

I cannot do more than I have done, Frothy

Its too much to do have moved area already so many times to stay hidden.

You see the law supports men finding women with children, the internet also, androids, idevices, SM, even cars with cameras, police, solicitors, courts. Its all about mens rights, and not the right to be safe and safeguarded.

Its increasingly difficulty to get an authority to take on responsibility. Anyone who has been to a housing /homeless interview will tell you how you can be treated and still rejected.

Its a suggestion but its all too much we are in no state to do more. Women in similar I mean.

OP, no-one should have to be in this situation. It's just so oppressive and patriarchal, and we should have come further. We've fought to get further.

Just here to send you warm wishes, and I'm so sorry that it's come to this.

I think that anyone who has been on the wrong side of what you've been through would understand immediately and completely why you need a female-only space to recover.

A huge well-done to you for getting out, and for getting your kids out. May you find solace, safety, peace and recovery.

Sending you love.

I just wanted to add that the feminism board is a busy, open, board, and sometimes visited by people who have strong desires to argue with or police the women who use it. You may be more comfortable looking for support (if you want it) on the relationships board, which is a bit quieter and less prone to disruptors.

Take the time you need to recover. You owe nothing to anyone, except yourself and your kids. Wishing you well.