Talking to your sons.

[ILikeyourHairyHands]

I am a long-time feminist and a woman from a mixed-race family.

I tell my son that he can ask me anything.

And he does. He's asked me about 'anal' and everything.

He's only 12. And asks all he needs to know.

Good god a 12 year old has heard of anal ! So glad my kids have grown up now

I have sons. Fk. What did you say?

Youd be shocked what they talk about at secondary.

What did I say?

The things kids are hearing about in Secondary school now is appalling. My DS is a similar age, but luckily those discussions haven't infiltrated his friendship group yet.

I told him what it was! With the addendum that it may be something that is spoken about more than it is practiced and lots of sexual acts are not as 'regular' as you might believe, and that much of what his friends speak about may come from porn which is not representative of what an enjoyable and healthy sex-life comprises.

I also opened the conversation that the majority of pornography depicts women as victims and sex as a violent act that is done to them rather than a mutually consensual and satisfying experience.

It's bloody hard navigating modern life with adolescents!

These aren't particularly conversations that I want to have but I do think that they're conversations we all need to have. Because if we don't tell our sons what's good and bad, that information will filter in from somewhere and as hard as it may be I think an open discourse is better than the alternative.

And DS doesn't look at porn, our internet and his phone are locked down, but I know that merely the act of pretending it doesn't exist won't protect him, it needs facing head-on.

I have three sons, the eldest in Y6. Your conversations are brave and inspiring. I hope my son will continue to ask me about anything as he gets older, and that I can give answers as good as yours!

DS is year 8 now Macaroon, I started these conversations just after he started yr 7 because I knew that once he started secondary my influence would wane unless I got on top of it and anticipated the influence of his peers.

I just started the conversation as 'you may see and hear some things that worry you, but you can speak to me about anything, I won't judge and I will answer any quuestions you have as honestly and truthfully as I can'

It seems to be working so far!

DS does not ask me anything but I had him captive in the car last week so took the opportunity to discuss porn & how it is not representative of most people's preferences. He's 15 so I got a bit graphic about the injuries/long-term consequences of anal. Strong emphasis on consent generally & suggest nothing you're not prepared to reciprocate/accept yourself. No it was not a conversation he wanted to have but needs must.

Oh and I think it's really important to tell young people that there's nothing to be embarrased about any questions and thoughts that they might have, and that none of us know anything until we learn it and that adolescence is a really confusing and difficult time that we've all been through!

Good work Love. It's just so neccessary now I think.

Thanks. I hope DS becomes a kind and considerate adult and that includes in sexual relationships. As you say there has to be a balance to the peer provided bollocks stories.

DS has just turned 12. I’ve found a couple of porn sites in his search history over the last few months. FWIW I don’t really think he understands what porn is, despite hours of talking with him. I think he’s looked at it because his mates have told him to, which is a stupid excuse and he was punished appropriately. He’s actually had his phone taken off him in the medium term for breaching my rules for a third time, although not for porn. He’s now got a Nokia and will have for the foreseeable. He’s clearly too young and irresponsible for a smart phone. He’s actually been a different child since it’s gone tbh. His attitude has been nowhere near as bad.

I always lean very heavily on the would you like it done to you’ angle when discussing porn, and’ if you wouldn’t like it then what makes you think a girl would?’ He knows what I think of porn and that the vast majority of the women involved are doing it because they’re forced in one way or another, because common sense, who would actually like that done to them? Hopefully some of that has gone in.

Me and DS do talk a lot anyway. We’ve been through a lot together so we’re quite close. I just hope I can plug enough decency and common sense into him before the influence of his peers really kicks in.

And DS doesn't look at porn, our internet and his phone are locked down, but I know that merely the act of pretending it doesn't exist won't protect him, it needs facing head-on

OP I love your approach and the openness between yourself and your son. But locking down your own devices and household isn't or won't be a protector as they often seem to see this stuff at someone else's house, or on someone else's phone while out. Deeply frustrating but it seems unavoidable too. I couldn't agree more with you about the difficulties of navigating life with adolescents!

Oh I know 3times, I'm absolutely aware that he will see it somewhere, hence my approach. I've also said to him that someone probably will show it to him and he will probably find it exciting or appealing, I think my view is that it's sadly inevitable that my DS and DD will see pornography in its modern form, I'm just trying to mitigate the effects as best I can.

I had a conversation with dd (17)

She cried...i think she wanted me to stop

My DS is 9 and this is definitely on my mind. They pick up these things so early from school and online.
Interesting thread. DS tends to be quite open about asking questions which is great, but I'm very aware that the harder ones are still to come.
Excellent to see a thread on how we can handle this sort of thing with our sons.

@ILikeYourHairyHands - sounds like you're doing everything you can. I think you're right that we can't avoid these conversations but I resent having to have them (if that makes sense).

I am curious as to what your race has to do with it.

No relevance at all AF, that was an autocorrect that I didn't notice until the next day, I can't even remember what I actually meant to say, we're not a mixed-race family (unless you count Welsh and Yorkshire as mixed-race ..).

I work in a college and have a friend who is a mentor in a school. We used to talk at tea time at the dinner table about our work "problems" about things like how dangerous it is to base your understanding of sex on porn, especially if you were SEN with a diagnosis of Autism because of the dangers of literally thinking that this was normal, obfuscating meanings of language like birds and bees for instance, (unrealistic, filmed, fantasy, lack of proper orgasms , fakes etc) whilst my y7 and y9 sons sat agog trying to be invisible.

We also covered sexting and how damaging it was, bullying and homophobic behaviour with some fictional students that we invented, although some of the scenarios were real. We covered drug use and how early drinking and smoking of canabis was dangerous for mental health. My kids wouldn't ask me things/talk about stuff so this was my alternative "education" programme.

We have since both moved on in jobs but it was one way of getting the message out there to them