Posted to FWR for relevance:
Today was the day that I closed a 50 million deal, and I feel like a fraud!
To be honest, I'm not all that awesome. I'm just some girl from a village, lower MC family, who did't really feel comfortable taking the predestined path of going to uni, working a couple of years, marrying the son of the local bigshot, having two kids and calling it a life.
So I changed subjects during my 2nd year at university, rather accidentally landed a job with a rather prestigious firm (to be honest: I applied to pretty much anything that said "graduate" at the time and got lucky that serious companies run their HR ops over the summer breaks and hopeless start-ups don't ...), worked hard because I was afraid they'd all find out I'm really a fucking nobody even sooner if I didn't, quite accidentally made senior executive in the course of things and now, also quite accidentally, landed a 50m deal that I only really got saddled with because nobody really believed we could make it happen ...
I'm literally panicking!
Truth be told, I'm not really all that great. Out of my four grandparents, only one could properly read and write. Luckily for me, she passed her genes to my mother, who, in her turn, went on to get a "proper" job and insist that her children take A-levels and degrees.
And yet, I look at my my male peers and think to myself "you've landed 10m deals and insisted we all bow to you and call you 'god'". I realise there's something wrong with how I look at the situation. I think I also realise that female socialisation has a lot to do with it,
And, yet, I've sold 50 million. I've never felt so ridiculously alone in my life! I've no fucking idea WTAF I'm doing, my mum says "that's lovely, dear", my partner says "so, fancy holiday next summer?" and my boss says "well done, old girl, you sold the fucker, now show me you can deliver it! - I'll buy you a drink!".
I feel that, had I been a man, I'd have been groomed for this. I haven't. I'm just an accidental success (and, yes, I've been building up to this one for years - it's just that, being the only woman executive around, it's been "unlikely long shots - won against all the odds" all the way.
I've just been asked to a meeting with the CEO to discuss how I'm planning to pull this off now that it's won. Every man I know would be beating his chest, calling his friends and bragging.
I'm not a man, and I haven't the faintest fucking clue how I'm planning to pull this shit off. I'm just a girl - woman really, now that I'm in my mid-thirties - who's got a good head on her shoulders, works hard, accidentally built a career and even more accidentally just did something really big.
I'm so afraid that, come tomorrow, they'll all find out that I'm a nobody who knows nothing and incidentally got fucking lucky.
And, see title, yes, I know what Imposter Syndrome is. I know it's a thing with me. But, in a nutshell, ...
... paaaaaaaaaanic!